Page 47 of Rise By Sin

No. My self-induced isolation and fake strength hadn’t really gotten me anywhere except alone and deep in misery. It had also been the cause of Colt getting himself in way too deep in all of the shit going on. It was the reason I now fear with every single breath I took, that I would never ever see my brother again. It was the cause of whatever hell he had endured and continued to endure.

I had to get him back. Maybe if I could save Colt and bring him home, then I would try to start again, and be less stupid and stubborn about it for once. If I could bring him home. If I couldn’t? We’ll then I was pretty sure I would never be able to live with the guilt I carried for cutting him from my life selfishly when he needed me most. I would never be able to live with the fact the monster who killed him still walked the streets because of my stupid fucking pride and fears. I cared for Deacon a lot, especially considering how little I knew him, and I loved Mason and Jack just as deeply as I had a decade before and every day since, but if my brother was gone then I already knew that love likely wouldn’t be enough to make me keep living. Losing Colt would be final shove, casting me off of the cliff I had barely made myself hang on to for the last couple of years.

A knock at the closed door pulled me from my confused thoughts. I was still sat in a plain set of black panties and bra, rubbing at my hair in the hope I could get it dry enough to just tie back. Pulling out a hair dryer and hair products wasn’t really my thing since the shooting. In fact, I really didn’t care that much about my appearance at all any more. I didn’t even own make up beyond a ChapStick.

“It’s just me, love. Are you up?” Jack called through the door.

“Yeah, I’m up.” I called back.

“Can I come in?” he asked with the hint of a chuckle. I looked down at my pale, thin frame and sighed deeply. On top of the ‘SIINER’ brand on my stomach, I also had the scar of a brutal bite mark on my left breast, and my back was a crisscrossed mess of scars from the multiple whips, canes, floggers and who knew what else I had been tortured with that night so long ago. Some of the scars curved around my sides too.

Before that night I used to find so much pleasure in the pain some of those items brought me when I played with Jack and Mason. We never used whips or anything that inflicted too much pain, but I’d enjoyed being flogged just enough to leave marks and give me the bite of pain that I needed to let go and just fly under Jack and Mace’s expert control. They never pushed me past what I could take and they had taken me to heights I never thought it possible to reach so many times that I longed for my next scene with them the second I left their arms after they slowly brought me back down to reality during aftercare. I had felt like we were made for each other back then. I was able to submit enough to their dominance that they both got what they needed and I always got what I needed form them, completely trusting them to protect me at all times. I had longed to tell them how I felt about them and for us all to take things further. I wanted to play with them outside of the club. I wanted to know what it would feel like when they fucked me. I had already known I wanted everything with them, even if a menage relationship would be a tricky thing to navigate. Then everything changed.

“Ave?”

“Yeah, sorry. You can come in,” I called back, realizing I’d zoned out. Maybe Jack seeing my body in the light of day would make him believe me when I told him I wasn’t the woman he remembered any longer. Maybe the scars would force him to believe me.

He opened the door just a little and popped his head in, looking over at me and then averting his eyes, which was incredibly out of character for him. He’d always been the first to remove my clothes when we played together, always telling me he hated when I hid any part of myself from him.

“Sorry. I didn’t realize. Do you want me to wait outside?” he asked, hid gaze now locked on the wall to the left.

“It’s not like you haven’t seen it before,” I scoffed. “I mean…most of it anyway.” Insecurity hit me as I realized he was likely being awkward because he didn’t want to see my scars. Maybe he wouldn’t be quite so eager for me to be without clothes as he used t be now I was damaged. “It’s fine if you need to wait in the hall or whatever. I won’t be long,” I added hurriedly as I dropped the towel in my lap and rearranged it to try and cover the brand on my stomach.

“Idon’t need to wait in the hall, Ava. I just don’t wantyouto be uncomfortable,” he sighed as he glanced my way and focused on where I was awkwardly holding the towel over my front.

“It’s fine. I didn’t think about my scars. I get it. You don’t have to start backtracking,” I told him, trying to put up the guard I had stupidly allowed to drop the day before. “Just go and do something, would you? I’ll be out soon. You don’t have to check up on me like some toddler.”

“I’m coming in,” Jack said firmly, and before I could even argue he was in the room and slamming the door closed behind him.

“You’re gonna wake the whole damned building!” I snapped as I got to my feet and tried to move for my backpack, which held my last clean outfit. I wanted to get covered up as soon as possible. I had no idea why I had thought allowing him in was a good idea, but I suddenly felt way too vulnerable.

“Ava, stop.” Jack said. It wasn’t sharp and even firm, but I knew his dom voice when I heard it, even after all of these years.

I wanted to ignore him, but my body had other ideas, clearly desperate for some control from him.

“I need to get dressed,” I argued, but I was frozen in place just a few feet from him now, the small towel from my hair clutched against my front.

“You’re not going anywhere until you explain to me what just happened,” he told me as he stopped so close I could feel the smooth cotton of his untucked white Oxford shirt brushing against my side. He placed his hand at the small of my back, then slid it up over my raised and puckered scars until he reached the nape of my neck.

“N-nothing happened,” I stuttered as I tried hard not to show how good his touch felt on my naked skin.

“Don’t lie to me, love. You know we doesn’t lie to each other,” he warned as he gently squeezed my nape in his large hand. “You invited me in, then when I hesitated for a moment, I lost you. Why?”

“Why did you hesitate?” I threw back as I forced myself to look up into his eyes.

“Remember who’s in control, Ava. I ask the questions. Stop trying to hide and tell me what just happened,” he pushed, and I saw the fire in his eyes. He craved being in control. It was what he needed - likely the result of his unstable childhood. I loved all sides of him. The caring, protective side he’d shown me since I arrived back in the city had been what I needed, but this – dom Jack – this was my favorite and the one I saw in my dreams. This was the side of him I would always need when I felt like things were beginning to spiral for me.

I sighed and tried to move away from him, thinking it would be easier to tell him the truth if we weren’t so close, but he wasn’t going to allow that, and I wasn’t going to fight his dominance. Quite the contrary – I needed it right then, and it was turning meon no end. I hadn’t had sex for over two years, and I was pretty sure I had never had really good sex. Jack, Mason, and Deacon seemed to have relit my libido and then some.

“No love, no more running,” Jack said as he wrapped his free arm around my back and pulled me right into his front, holding me as close to his body as he could. He smelled and looked amazing, and I had no idea how. It was barely six A.M. for Christ’s sake! Jack moved his hand from the nape of my neck and placed his finger under my chin, lifting my face until I was gazing up at him, just as he wanted me to. “No more hiding from us either. You can be as snarky and defensive as you need to be with others, but not with Mace and I. We know you too well, and we see right through it. Now, tell me what happened and why you tried to push me away again. You told us you’d stop doing that,” he reminded me with a questioning lift of his eyebrow.

“I’ve been taking care of myself for a really long time Jack, and that snark, as you called it, is what kept me safe. Just because I know you guys see through it, doesn’t mean I can just drop it. It’s a part of my now. My armor,” I tried to explain.

“You don’t need armor now. You have us,” he told me as he moved his hand from under my chin and cupped my right cheek instead. I pressed into his touch and gave a weak nod. I knew they believed that, and I did too if I were honest, but that didn’t mean I would drop everything that I had used for so long to try and protect myself. Having them at my back was everything, but it would never make me stop taking care of myself too.

“It was my scars,” I admitted, changing the subject. “When you looked in at me, then looked away, I thought it was because you couldn’t face my scars. I mean… I get it of you feel that way. Who’d want to look at me in this state?” I laughed, but it fell flat.

“Me. I want to look at you at all times, but especially when you’re showing me your beautiful, sexy as hell body. I don’t want to hear you talking like that again, do you understand? You’re perfect the way you are. Those scars just prove everything you’ve survived and remind me how lucky I am to have a bloody warrior as my woman.”

---