Page 55 of Rise By Sin

To say I wasn’t exactly proud of my behavior was a sever understatement when at two A.M. the next morning I found myself quietly rifling through Jack’s kitchen in search of alcohol, preferably vodka. But I needed it.

I hadn’t slept a wink since I slipped into my room earlier that evening, unable to with the thoughts that were eating at me. Fears of losing Colt, and the surety that he would never have been taken at all had I just answered his fucking phone calls. Add to that my confusion over what the hell I was doing with the guys, and my own self loathing at every single part of me, body and soul, and I was spiraling. The desire to just drink until I felt numb had been all consuming, I had waited until long after I heard Jack go to his room, and Mason got to the other guest room before I slipped out of bed and pleaded with my legs to just cooperate enough to get me what I needed most.

For the most part they were holding me up for now, but my pain was back, and my legs were shaking in a way that assured me I better search and get to bed fast if I didn’t want to end up on the floor. My head was pounding, a tension headache radiating from my back and I was seriously taking more pain meds, even though it would mean me taking way more than had been prescribed. I had done it before and lived to tell the tale, but I knew fromexperience I’d regret it the next morning when I woke with what felt like the world’s most intense hangover.

Finally I found a full bottle of scotch in the top corner cabinet and pulled it down with so much relief it made me feel ashamed. Had my life really come to this? Had alcohol really become that much of a crutch for me?

I didn’t have the strength or energy to get back to my room. I didn’t have the will power to wait either if I were honest with myself, so I slid down to the floor and half sat / half collapsed into a sitting position against the cabinet. I twisted the cap off of the bottle and took a huge drink, just desperate for something to numb all of my pain – the physical and the mental. My darkness was fighting like hell to push me down deep into the depths that filled me, and I felt like I was being ripped right open.

I coughed as the scotch hit my throat and fought to stifle it, not wanting to wake the guys. But scotch wasn’t really my drink and the burn of it going down took me by surprise as I slammed my hand over my mouth to stifle the noise. The burn was making my eyes water too, but none of it deterred me from throwing back another large slug. I didn’t care what I drank, as long as it numbed the crushing pain.

“Ava?” I pulled my lips from the bottle and glanced up. Mason was stood before me in only his very snug fitting blue boxers. His hair was a little mussed from sleep and he looked so different out of his suit and all relaxed. I hated the way he looked form the already almost half empty bottle in my hand and to my face with disappointment. “Thirsty, were you?” he asked dryly, and I hated that the bitter tone he used when I first arrived in the city again, was back in his words.

“Don’t start, Mace,” I groaned as I glared at him. “I’m really not up to dealing with your bullshit right now.” I lifted the bottle to take another drink, but before I could the bottle was ripped from my hand and Mason poured the whole lot down the sink before I even tried to get to my feet. “You asshole!” I yelled. I had already given up trying to stand. My legs weren’t going to work with me, and pain was enough to bring tears to my eyes with every movement.

“We said no more drinking, didn’t we?” he questioned as he dropped the empty bottle in the sink and dropped to a crouch before me.

“You didn’t magically fix me with your crappy speech and overinflated ego, Mason. I’m in pain and that is the only thing that helps,” I snapped.

“That is not helping, Ava!” He pointed up to where the empty bottle was and there was anger in his eyes, but concern too. “I know you think it is, but in the long run it will only make things so much worse. If you’re in pain, you come to me and Jack. You don’t reach for a bottle and hide from us. I thought we were past all of this.”

“I’m not past anything, Mason. It doesn’t matter what I do, or even what you guys do, the darkness lives inside me and it won’t stop trying to rip me to pieces in here.” I tapped the side of my head as I met his stormy eyes. “My injury too, The pain is alive in my body and that won’t let me go either. No sweet words, or even dominant commands can fix any of that,” I sighed exhaustedly.

“Maybe not,” he agreed as he dropped to the toiled floor and pushed himself around so he was sat right beside me, his thigh pressing against mine. “But you won’t know if you never come to us and give us a chance. Maybe we won’t have a quick fix, butif we know what’s going on, e can try to find alternatives to help you. Drinking until you pass out isn’t the answer, sweetheart and you know it.”

“I don’t know who I am any more, Mace,” I admitted as I fought not to allow tears to fall. “I k-keep losing pieces. No, not losing. They get taken from me by monsters and I…I don’t think there’s very much left of me in here. I feel so hollow and I keep fucking everything up.”

“Easy baby,” he soothed when I started to gasp slightly as my emotions overcame me. He wrapped his arm around me and pulled me into his side, his heat enveloping me and making me feel lass alone and afraid instantly. “I know it feels that way right now, but you’re not hollow. You’re still in there. I see you. Jack sees you. You just need some time and peace to find yourself again too,” he told me.

“ don’t want to be broken for the rest of my life. I don’t want to be weak and dependent on other people. I want to be strong again and I…I’m so scared I can’t. If I lose Colt, I don’t even think I want to try,” I confessed.

“You are strong. So fucking strong. Just because you occasionally need a little help doesn’t change that. Trusting others to be there for you is just another way in which you show your strength. And don’t for one minute think Jack and I don’t feel honored every single time you push past that stubborn streak and actually reach out for us when you need us. It hasn’t happened much yet, but I’m proud of how hard you’ve been trying.”

“More like failing,” I scoffed. “That’s what it is every time I have to ask for help. Me failing yet again.”

“Jesus woman, you didn’t get less stubborn with age, did you?” he growled as he wrapped his hand around the back of my head and pulled it down until I had my ear pressed to his chest, his heartbeat soothing some of my raw emotion with it’s steady, comforting rhythm.

“I hate myself. If it weren’t for me Colt would be at home in bed, maybe with Kylan, where he deserves to be. I should never have allowed him to destroy his life and take me in all those years ago. He gave up his sown fucking mother for me, and I couldn’t even be there for him when he needed me.”

“Enough of this, Ava. You’re stuck in this circle of hate for yourself and guilt that does not rest on your shoulders. It’s hurting you and I’m not going to allow it anymore. None of what has happened is your fault and I’ll tell you that as many times as I need to until you believe it,” he lectured. He had both arms wrapped around me now and I knew it was pointless to try and move away from him. He wasn’t going to let me go, not that I really wanted to. The touch of his bare skin and hard, muscled body was more comfort than any bottle of liquor could ever be.

Remembering how being with Jack had eased my pain earlier I turned so I was almost facing Mason and pushed up on my knees, ignoring the pain that movement caused to pulse up my aching legs, He studied me as I moved closer to him, then our lips crashed together as if we were in a race to see who would get there first. I grabbed his shoulders to try and keep my balance and instantly his slid his hands around my waist to hold me too. We kissed in a frenzied clash of teeth and tongues as I clung to him with everything in me, pleading with my kiss for him to never let me go. It was desperate and almost angry as we clung to each other and kissed almost ferociously. One of Mason’s hands slid to my ass and he held me there as he moved me with ease soI knelt in his lap, out chests now touching as we pulled apart to gasp for breath.

“You made me wait far too long for that, Ava,” he growled as he held me close and lid kisses down behind my ear and to my neck. My pain and fear turned to desire and longing with every kiss he touched on my skin, the brush of his heavy stubble against my skin only making me want him more.

I tore off the oversized t-shirt I still wore so I sat before him in only my cotton bra, my chest heaving as my breaths became more like pants, my need to feel something with him consuming me.

“Fuck. How could I ever forget how perfect you are,” Mason uttered as he very softly ran his finger over my right shoulder and down my side. I hadn’t realized until that moment that I hadn’t even considered my scars before I ripped off my t-shirt.

“I’m a long way from perfect,” I told him as I self-consciously slid my hand down to cover the brand on my stomach.

“You’re perfect to me, baby,” he whispered as he lifted me up by my hips until his lips could reach that hideous brand on my skin, and he kissed it, over and over. I could do nothing but brace myself against his shoulders and fight the emotions the reverence he was showing was making me feel. As he lowered me back down he stopped to kiss the scarred over bite mark that showed above the cup of my bra on my right breast. There were more beneath, but that was the most prominent.

“I missed you so much, Mace.” I whispered as he carefully set me back down and framed my face with his hands. “I already told Jack but you need to hear it too – I’m so sorry I ran from you guys. It was a mistake I will always wish I could go back and change.”

“We all have regrets. Jack and I should have come after you, and I will regret our decision not to forever too, but we’re all together now, and we still have long lives ahead of us to make the most of every second we get.”

“I love you,” I told him before I crashed my lips over his and kissed him hard and fast.

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