Page 39 of Scarlet Sins

Alina hesitates, then shakes her head, laughing. “How can I say no to that?”

“You can’t,” I say. “He’s very convincing.”

She picks him up and hugs him. “You’re too cute, Sasha.”

“I know.”

And we both laugh, Sasha joining in a few seconds later, not knowing why, but for him, merriment is merriment, and his laughter is beautiful music.

Alina hands me Sasha. “I’ll go change.”

“Why? You look great.” And she does. She’s got on designer jeans and a pretty top in dark blue that matches her eyes.

“Are you sure?”

“Sure. I’m in jeans, too. But we can wait for you in the car if you want to change.”

“I’m good.”

We all head out, and Alina insists on buying Sasha an ice cream, which I have to spend time cleaning off his face, shirt, and sticky fingers, but it’s worth it for the smile he brings to her face.

Sasha loves the park and zooms around, his goat flying behind him by one leg as they run.

He plays with some other kids under the watchful eye of me and Alina and the guard. And who knows how many other guards I can’t pick out.

It makes my heart swell to see my son having such a good time. And as I now hold his goat, I’m excited about the baby growing inside me.

Sasha’s growing up, I can see that. And I’m glad his firsts won’t be my lasts.

Then it hits me.

All the firsts Demyan missed. Because of me.

Sasha’s first smile, first word, first step. First everything.

My fault.

No wonder he was so angry.

And now… Hell, is he going to be happy or angry about the pregnancy? Angry because this baby complicates things on another level. If he has to marry this other woman, as much as it makes me want to throw up, excusing away Sasha is one thing; me being knocked up is another.

Then there’s that basic level of where we are. He says he wants me and not this Stefina. The beautiful Stefina. I can’t compete with someone so glamorous and gorgeous. I can’t. What if he wants to get rid of me from his life? Another baby will make that hard.

Demyan takes duty seriously.

I don’t want to be a duty.

“Are you okay?”

I glance at Alina. “Fine, just thinking. He’s growing up.”

“He’s two. He’s got a lot more growing to do, Mama.” Then she takes the goat and hugs it. “You know, Demyan didn’t get the goat. I don’t think there was a lot of love in his life, even before our father remarried and I came along. So something like the goat he sees as old and run down, not loved. Not something given in love. But he will.”

“I hope so.”

If he married this gorgeous Stefina and she deigns to give him babies, I hope… I swallow, clench a hand. I hope he’ll share himself like he does with Sasha.

What am I thinking? Demyan would and I start to dislike that mythical child. I’m a terrible person.

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