Page 126 of Gates of Tartarus

“Jesus,” he says on a breath, nothing more. “Jesus. Kai.” He shakes his head slightly and reaches his hands up to move the thin straps of my top off my shoulders, tracing his fingers across my shoulders, feather light across my chest, down over the front of my breasts, barely touching me. I’m holding my breath, just staring at him, and he threads his hands through my long hair, pulling me back down to him and into a deep, long kiss, leaving me breathless and electrified.

“Jonah,” I whisper. “I can’t… I don’t know…” The events of the past two days have ruined something in me, and as much as I care for the man I’m with, I don’t want to make any promises with my words or body that I don’t know if I can keep.

“I know,” he whispers back against my lips. “I know. It’s okay. This is enough. This moment is enough. We won’t… It’s not the right time. Not yet.”

I’ll only hurt you if you let me…the words wrap around the room, pushing into my head, the music in the distance humming in my ears, until Jonah rolls me under him and makes all of the sounds in the world disappear but the quiet whisper of my name in his mouth. We kiss until my lips are bruised, his hands exploring every inch of my body, memorizing the curves and valleys before him slowly, like he’s carving every moment in his soul.

It takes everything in me not to go further, not to lose myself in him completely, but I know he’s right. This is enough for this moment. I am learning him, the way he plays, his tongue dancing across my skin, the way his teeth nip, the way his hands grip. I feel like the teenager I never was, making out with my boyfriend beneath the stadium bleachers, and I realize Jonah is giving me a gift. He’s giving me butterflies and first kisses, secret glances and love notes in lockers, and even though I’m far beyond those experiences in some ways, it’s all new in others, and it makes me want to cry in happiness.

As the last few embers fade, leaving the idea of light more than light itself, Jonah sits back and gently peels my chemise from my body. Almost instinctively my hands rise up to cover myself, and he reaches forward to grab my wrists in an iron grip. Staring at me, he swallows audibly and says in a low, deep voice, “You are the most beautiful woman I have ever seen in my life.” I make a small, scoffing sound, but he shakes his head seriously and reaches out to touch my skin reverently. “In mylife, Kailani.”

And then, until the fire dies completely and the cabin grows cool, he proves it to me.

Tom Petty or Petty White

Monday, 3 December – Kailani

Jonah is taking the day off work to help me move. Well, help Lachy move me, anyways. I’m beyond useless at the moment, still worryingly shaky after a week of doing nothing but lying in bed. Nothing is working quite right – like a soundtrack that’s out of sync with the picture. I’m hearing and processing things moments after they’re said, everything in a strange, echoed cavern. Lachy and Jonah have found me several times staring straight ahead, eyes blank, and when they try to get my attention, it’s taken several attempts. The memories of what I was doing before I drifted off or how long I’d been sitting staring out at nothing are empty, and I pretend not to notice them exchange worried looks over my head.

Today’s a special day, though, and even in my odd, off-kilter state, I can’t help feel a little frisson of excitement that mixes with an almost unbearable sadness. I’m leaving my home – the only home where I’ve ever felt like I belonged completely. Leaving my low porch overlooking the water, my tiny kitchen, my shared closet, my no-longer sister. The last thought makes me catch my breath in pain – the thought of no more late-night sleepovers despite the fact that our rooms are… were... right next to each other, no more Sunday coffees, lazy movie nights… nothing. There is a gaping hole inside me where I had made space for my friendship with Gemma, where she had built walls and laid a foundation, and for a brief, stupid moment, I want to forget everything that happened and just go back to the way things were. But I don’t know how to, am not sure I’m able to, not really.

Lachy has been carefully conscientious, bless him. He’s watched endless hours of baking shows with me, gamely trying to comment on the rise of the bread, or the stiffness of the meringue, but it’s fallen flat, no pun intended. Walker and Jonah have been insanely busy at work – they, Smith, and Tanaka have been fingerprinting every victim, creating files on each, logging their injuries, tracking down bloodwork, and setting rotating guard shifts at the hospital. Everything is tense, though, because we’re not sure where the mole is and know from Maela’s experience that Kronos has the ability to infiltrate hospital staff. We’re fairly certain that they have someone on the SPD too, so there have been guardsonthe guards, and Smith, Walker, Tanaka, and Jonah have been running between three hospitals to make sure things stay safe.

When Jonah comes home at night, he usually falls face first onto the couch after checking on me. Lachy puts dinner in front of him, and he passes out sometime around halfway through whatever movie or show we’ve chosen for the night. I’m beyond sick of television, but I can’t force my eyes to focus long enough to read… the few times I’ve tried, I’ve wound up with a massive headache. Two nights ago Walker came back unexpectedly with Jonah, asking Lachy diffidently if it was alright if he came in. Lach grumbled, but I think it was more for show than anything, and fed both the guys. There was a sweet camaraderie, a brotherhood, between the men, Walker gently shoving Lach into a chair and pushing a plate to him, then serving himself. Jonah grabbed all three beers from the fridge, and then he and Walker did the dishes after. Their low tones were comforting, the occasional bark of laughter turning up my lips, a lightning flash of happiness in the dragon’s maw of despair.

After dinner Walker looked at me carefully, staring blankly at the TV, and shook his head. He lifted me gently, carried me to the library, and pulled a book off the shelf.

“Gatsby?” he asked quietly, and my eyes widened in response. “I heard you tell Tanaka that one time that it’s a favorite. Chapter Three, right?” I nodded slightly, and he grinned at the surprised expression on my face. “I’m gonna keep surprising you, Hellcat. You should get used to it. Once I’m in, I’m in to win. Now be quiet.” Smirking, dimples flashing, he started reading, voice beautiful and deep, wrapping around me, quieting the empty chaos in my head. “There was music from my neighbor’s house through the summer nights…” It’s amazing, really, how loud and heavy silence can be, and Walker filled that space, pushing back against the emptiness with patient care. One hand flipped through the book, the other stroked my long hair as I lay, curled up against him, until his voice lulled me into oblivion.

It was the first night I slept through with no dreams clawing at the walls of my head.

Today, though, today is the start of something new, something I’m not sure I’m ready for, but there’s nothing behind me but burning rubble, and I can’t look back. A tired Lachy stumbles into the kitchen and stares, surprised, at the coffee waiting for him on the counter.

“Jonah here already?” he asks, then does a double take, looking me over. “You’re dressed? What’s going on?” he says, almost suspiciously, and I smile, a real smile, and walk over to him to wrap my arms around him.

“I”m feeling a little better today,” I reply quietly, and I can feel a previously unknown tension drain from him as his shoulders release the weight of constant worry.

“Hmmm,” he rumbles against me, and I canfeelthe smile spreading through him, cool relief icing my skin. “Don’t do too much. In fact, the getting dressed and coffee was enough. Okay? Go rest.”

“I’m sick of resting,” I mumble petulantly. “I want tonotrest.”

Pulling back from me, though not letting go, he grins down at me, whiskey eyes dancing with delight at my tone holding something other than blankness. “Now don’t go getting cranky on me, Suge.”

Frowning, I stick out my lip. “I can be cranky if I want to.”

Leaning forward quickly before I can pull my lip back in, he captures my lip in his teeth, nipping at me lightly, then kisses me. He suddenly lifts me effortlessly onto the counter, still mid-kiss, and pulls me tightly against him. “It’s good to have you back, Kailani,” he whispers against my lips, kissing me very,verygently, and I’m two seconds from grabbing him and showing him that I’mnotbreakable when Jonah’s slightly disgruntled voice calls from the front door. Lachy gave him a key, but Jonah still makes sure it’s okay that he enters, still feeling very much a guest in Lachy’s house.

“Hey, Cutie! Lach! I’m here and ready to get to it!” There’s a brief mumbling sound, and he says, clearly perturbed, “We’rehere. Walker took off the day to help, too.”

My eyes widen in surprise, and I hop off the counter, only wobblingslightlyon the landing, Lachy steadying me and giving me a warning glare.

“Walker skipped out on work?” I ask, shocked as he and Jonah enter the kitchen. Both level considering looks at me, then look at each other, smiling.

“You showered!” Jonah says, surprised. “I mean, it’s not that you were... What I was trying to say is…” Walker and Lachy laugh at his fumbling, Walker walking over to me and kissing my cheek confidently.

“Looking good, Kai,” he says sweetly. “And no, you don’t have me all day – I can’t get away that long. But I convinced Smith to give me the morning to help out. Where do we start?”

“There’s not that much…” I say, almost reluctantly. It feels strange to have the guys touching my personal stuff, but I can’t go to the cabin. I just can’t. They do their bro-code thing and gently direct me to the couch and turn on a show for me before lumbering out the door and hopping in Lach’s truck. It doesn’t take them long. They work steadily and without much chatter, clearly trying to get it done as fast as possible. The furniture doesn’t need to be moved, since I have a set at Lachy’s place, and none of the kitchen stuff or common-area things need to come up. Mostly it’s books, some photos, my clothing…

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