Page 151 of Gates of Tartarus

I gulp. “We’ll… we’ll just have to work quickly, I guess. I’m not signing up to be a test subject. But maybe once we’re in, we’ll get enough to act on. If I can just get a good reading, or if Maela can just get a good viewing, we’ll know where to move.”

“How though?” Jonah asks. “I’m not doubting you, but you got one readonce. How is this going to happen?”

“Maela and I think Fallon is the key. We think she can block me, block Maela. So you guys need to handle that. Fallon needs to be removed somehow. I don’t think Elizabeth will panic initially, because there will be so many people there, and she knows I’m having a hard time with my shields, so she’ll think she’s safe, at least for a little bit. I’ll make sure to make a big deal about keeping my shields up, about getting a headache, that sort of thing.”

The guys all nod slowly. “And Maela?”

“She’s got to meet as many people as possible. I’ll read who I can, but stay quiet. But her visions... they seem to work better if she’s met the person, I think. I don’t know – Smith?” I ask, and he nods.

“I’ll talk to Seef. Immediately. Lachlainn, do you have a room I can use?” Even with everything going on, a nervous, polite tone enters Smith’s normally gruff voice, and I smile internally. The big, gruff idiot is like a little star-struck kid around Lachy, and it’s funny to see how quickly the switch has flipped. Lach takes Maddox to the library, and the rest of us keep planning around the table.

“So who do you think is best to be on you for the evening?” Walker asks thoughtfully, and I immediately answer.

“Jonah, for sure. I’m going to be stressed to the max, and Jonah helps with that.” Nodding thoughtfully, Walker makes notes on the paper in front of him, and I can feel little starbursts of happiness skitter over my skin. “Like that…” I mutter to Jonah, and he turns to me, surprised.

“You can feel that?” he asks, and I nod.

“Even with my shields up, when you’re happy, it’s lightning in my veins. Everything is easier when you’re next to me.” I mean it regarding shielding and emotions, but it hits Jonah deeply, and the look on his face is overwhelming. Reaching out, he takes my hand gently and just squeezes it.

“How are we getting Gemma there?” he asks, and I purse my lips thoughtfully.

“I don’t know. I mean, I don’t even know if she’s coming…” my voice trails off. The fact is, her cooling presence is making day-to-day life bearable as my brain heals, but I can’t ask her... I just can’t.

“I’m coming,” she says firmly. “Does Elizabeth know about me?”

I shake my head. “Not from me. She may know from Gomez through Tennireef? But Gomez plays her cards close to her chest usually, until she’s sure. I’m guessing she hasn’t given any more than is absolutely necessary.”

“So a risk, but maybe one worth taking…” Gemma says thoughtfully, and we exchange a long look. It’s strange: everything is becoming easier and harder with her all at once. It’s easier to get used to the hurt, the pain of the betrayal, as it ebbs from a slicing agony to a dull, steady throb. But it’s harder because every once in a while I’ll forget, just forget, and I’ll look for her like I used to. And she’s always looking back at the same time. It’s strange that the loss of a friendship can feel like a divorce or a death, but a death where the person is there and gone all at the same time.

“What else, what else…” Walker mutters, staring at his list, when a mug of steaming tea appears in front of me.

Looking up in surprise, I meet the steady, careful gaze of Hideo, who puts a plate of buttery toast and marmalade next to my drink.

Jonah tilts his head. “I didn’t think Kai liked tea…”

Hideo raises his eyes to Jonah and explains gently, almost like a teacher passing knowledge along, “Black coffee is for when she’s overwhelmed by emotion, when she needs to clear her thoughts, when she’s feeling foggy and needs to snap out of it…” Pausing, he waits for a second, then says, voice sharp, “Take notes.” Jonah just looks at him, thinking he’s kidding, then fumbles for a notepad and pen when he realizes Hideo is being very serious. “If you’re going to have Kai’s back for the night, you need to know. Mochas and milky coffees are happy drinks. Tea is for headaches and hard mornings after long nights. Or late afternoons if she’s tired. Whole milk and the smallest amount of sugar. She doesn’t remember to take care of herself when she’s working.” Jonah’s writing furiously as Hideo continues. “High-sugar foods if she’s really tired or running low. Fruit is good, but always have a bar or two in your pockets. No, Shotridge, not candy…” Hideo leans over Jonah’s notes, crossing out a line. “Like a protein bar. Motrin gives her a stomach ache if she’s read too many people, so always have Tylenol…”

As Hideo continues to list the little secrets he’s learned over the years that help make my day-to-day life easier, a knot forms in my stomach, a strange stinging across the bridge of my nose. I know he lied. I know he betrayed me...None of it was real, I have to remind myself, but it’s hard, so hard. He lays out the shades and shadows of me before Jonah like a treasure map, all of the subtle ways he’s learned, without me knowing, to keep me strong and steady. I realize, as I’ve been listening to him, that my hand has drifted up to my chest of its own accord, pressing hard against my heart, trying to keep the pain from waterfalling out.

Deo’s voice has been my tether for so long, my grounding force… it’s no wonder I feel so lost. He has been my guide through a world where I never fully belonged, watching my steps, holding an umbrella over my head even as it meant he got wet, and I wonder, suddenly and wildly, if I’ll be washed away and drown without his quiet presence beside me.

Kintsugi

Friday, 7 December – Kailani

The rest of the day is too long, a constant flurry of activity in my quiet space, and by the end of it, my head is aching and my body is sore. I think Maddox realizes how much trouble I’m having and asks me if I can run to town and grab some, I’m fairly certain, totally unnecessary files for him, giving me a chance to be alone. After running by the office, I realize I’m not ready to go back to the war room, not quite yet, and decide to go to my version of church. I need to think, need room to breathe, and go to the only place I feel that sanctity of silence.

The gallery is dark by the time I get there, close to closing for the night. In spite of that, they let me have longer than usual in the back room, staring at my painting, searching for some peace and some part of myself that I’ve lost over the last few days. We’re due to leave for Europe the next day, despite the pieces of me still jagged, stitched together like a rag doll, and I’m not sure I can make it. I’m tired. Not just tired, actually. Marrow-deep, suffocating exhaustion blankets me, and no matter how much I rest, I can’t chase it away.

I came tonight because I knew Gemma was off – I haven’t been in since everything happened – and while it’s painful to be somewhere that reminds me of her and our friendship, I needed to get out of the house and be by myself. Sitting in front of my painting is what I guess religion must feel like to other people – some quiet communion of the soul. Jax, Gemma’s coworker, knocks quietly at the door to the room. “I’m almost done here, Kai.” He looks at my face carefully and sighs softly. “Maybe a few more minutes, yeah?” I nod wordlessly, and he slides the door partially shut, leaving me swallowed in the darkness.

A few minutes later the door slides open again, and I look up, expecting to see Jax, but instead meet Hideo’s dark gaze. I freeze, eyes locked on his, a cold knot expanding out from my heart to my fingertips. I feel sick and numb at the same time, staring at him dumbly, unable to speak, unable to move. He walks in silently and sits beside me on the love seat, not near enough that we’re touching, carefully giving me my space. I can’t keep looking at his face – it’s breaking me apart, stealing my breath, stinging my eyes – and I look back to my painting, lost.

He lets out a weary sigh on a shaky breath. “I remember the moment I realized I was in love with you.” I don’t move, am not even sure if I’m breathing now. His voice is tight, fighting to stay even. “You were interning with the department, and there was a case with a little girl. She’d been to five foster homes in less than six months… It was... the things that had happened... unspeakable. The system was failing her at every step.”

I clench my jaw, still staring ahead, and whisper, “Jayden.”

I feel more than see him agree. “Jayden,” he says. “She was just six when we met her. She’d had her birthday the week before. She wasn’t talking anymore. And you walked in, and sat down on the floor and started playing a game by yourself, not even looking at her. And she moved closer and closer, and by the end of the hour you were best friends. She was talking, whispering all of her secrets to you. And I didn’t know exactly what I was seeing, but I watched her shoulders relax, and her face lighten, and at the same time your shoulders sag and face turn grey, and I knew you were taking something from her that was too big for her to carry, maybe too big for you to carry, but you didn’t hesitate for a second. And she was able to remotely testify, and got placed with her forever family. And you... you hugged her goodbye and smiled and sang to her, and as soon as she left you were so sick. You were ashen, and leaning against the wall, and looked like you were going to pass out, but you looked at me and smiled... God. Your smile.”

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