Page 152 of Gates of Tartarus

Hideo chokes a little on his words and clears his throat before continuing. “I just looked at you and knew. And now…” his voice breaks, and as mad as I am at him, as angry and confused and betrayed as I feel, that sound still hurts, “... and now I’ve taken that smile from you. And I’m so sorry, Kailani. Jesus, I can’t tell you how sorry I am. All I’ve ever wanted in my life since I met you was to see that smile more, and…” his voice lets go, and he leans his head forward against his clenched fists.

I stare ahead, not moving, but the numbness ebbs in and out, with waves of grief crashing into me like boulders before fading again. My head is pounding, and I feel sick to my stomach.

Hideo starts speaking again, voice slightly muffled by his hands. “I started working for Gomez when I was 21. It was just after I graduated college. She was my mentor, and God, I looked up to her so much. I believed in what she was doing – her plans, what she was trying to do for our country. But more, she gave me a place. I knew from when I was little that I was always a little different. I always felt a bit set apart from people – watching and trying to be the same, but always looking in rather than being a part of something. I was good at masking my feelings, but not good athavingfeelings. And Gomez looked at that as an asset, not a detriment. She didn’t know what I could do exactly, but she connected me with people who did, and they helped me learn about it, control myself. It was so valuable to me – it meant so much to me to be a part of it, and to learn, that I truly believed that anyone with an ability would be better off with CDS, where they could be valued, and taught, and trained, and where they could be around people who understood them. Some parts of me still believe that.”

“You have to understand, Kailani. I believed that what we were doing washelpingpeople. That it was better for them in the long run to be part of a place thatacknowledgedthem, and where they were offered something more. I thought, these people don’t know what isoutthere, thehelpthat exists for them. It never occurred to me that some of them wouldn’t want our brand of help, that maybe they were okay as a therapist, or a priest, or a nurse or whatever. Maybe they didn’twantto be pulled away from their contentment into something bigger.”

“So when I met you, and we had our assignment, I thought that what we were doing was right. But I’d never been a handler before, only recruited and left. And when Gemma backed out and quit, I was somad, Kailani. I wassoangry at you.”

I make a small sound, and he shakes his head slightly. “I know it wasn’t you. I know. But I lost my friend and partner, and I couldn’t see why, and wouldn’t listen to her explanation that maybe the way we were doing things was wrong. I was so sure that what we were doing was right... but then I was tasked as your handler. And six years of being sure, six years of knowing, six years of feeling like what I was doing was helping on the right side of history… you started washing that away. And I was lost. And I didn’t know what to do. So I did what I could to hide you from Gomez. I sent in false reports. I left your name off cases. I altered paperwork. Made you look good at guesswork, tried to take credit for your information.”

I drop my head, staring at my hands. “You sent me out of the area every time Gomez returned?” I say, thinking back on the last-minute trips Gemma had planned for us, the times Hideo had stacked work at the front of the month so my monthly case allotment was used up by the end and I could take a few days off. He nods in confirmation.

“Gomez came by regularly to check on the trial program. She was getting enough good hits from people like Daniels to maintain the program, but she wouldn’t drop you. She wassurethat I was hiding something, but I’d never gone against her before, and I’d always been her man, so that left enough doubt that she let me continue on as your handler. I tried to get you to quit…”

“I know,” I reply, thinking back to conversations we’d had.

“It wouldn’t have worked anyways, and after a while I was too selfish to give you up.” His jaw muscles tighten, and I can see them flex as he tries to get a hold of his emotions. “I should have tried harder, but after a few months I didn’t want to anymore. Convinced myself that I could protect you more if you were with me. But with Gomez watching and waiting for reports back to her, I couldn’t... I wouldn’t… All I wanted, all I have wanted foryearsis to be with you, Kai. ForyearsI have loved you.” His voice breaks, anguished. “But I could hide our friendship. I could pretend that what we were as partners was just partners. And feed just enough information to her that she didn’t press for more, didn’t dig deeper. She was always taken up with the trial programs in DC and New York – Seattle was her smallest run. And then with the sister program in Britain and their work there – it took up enough of her focus that I thought if I just waited it out she’d forget about you, forget about Seattle entirely, and maybe then… I wouldn’t be able to hide anything if we were together, Kai. I’ve spent my whole life learning to mask my emotions, but when I look at you, when I’m with you, all I want to do is scream out that you’re mine. I’d never be able to mask that.”

“I have spent what feels like a lifetime loving you. And I’ve never done it right. I’ve built walls; I’ve lied to you; I’ve done it all wrong; and I thought I was protecting you, keeping you from a life you never wanted. And I kept thinking that someday I could get out, and get you out, and we could…” He leans forward into his hands again. “The problem is, I believe in what we’re doing. I believe in CDS, in its mission. I believe it can help people. I don’t like what Gomez has become, but when we started it she was different. And I feel like I’m part of something when I’m with CDS.” He pauses, thinking, and then says softly, “But as much as I feel like I’m part of something with CDS, I feel like I haveeverythingwhen I’m with you.”

“You broke me,” I say, voice raw with grief. “I’m nothing but pieces right now.”

He moves in front of me, kneeling on the floor, and grabs my hands, pressing his forehead against them, and he whispers into me, “I know, Kai. I know. And you have no reason to, none at all, but I swear to you if you forgive me I will spend the rest of our lives putting those pieces back together.” His voice is desperate, full of lost hope, the sort you feel when you know there’s no hope at all but you’re still clinging to a wild prayer thatmaybe, maybe.

I try to pull my hands gently from his, but he grips them more tightly, and I feel wetness on my fingers where they press against his eyes.

“Please,Kailani,” he pleads. “Please.”

“I don’t know if I can, Hideo.”

He sits back on his heels, meeting my eyes briefly before closing his. Before I know what is happening, I feel a low thrum, and that same golden feeling from the factory, the glowing, glittery tidal wave of pure love surrounds me and hovers just over my skin. It’s so clear I can see it, lighting the air like fireflies, just waiting. Despite everything, I can’t help butreachout, just a little, to touch it, and as soon as I do, it floods into me, swallowing all of the darkness, chasing every shadow from my soul. It races through my veins, rushing from my fingertips through my heart and up into my fractured psyche. Like before, it knits the pieces together, this time more carefully, pulling tighter, carefully stitching the jagged edges with searing lines of light. Abruptly, I pull away from Hideo, who is shadow still, barely breathing in front of me.

We stay that way for what feels like an eternity, staring at each other, until an awkward throat clearing interrupts the moment. Jax hovers anxiously at the door.

“I’m so sorry, you guys. I just have to lock up. I’m sorry to interrupt.”

I stand, forcing Hideo to his feet.

“It’s okay, Jax. We were just finishing here.”

“Cool. So, um, when do you want your painting delivered, Kai? And where is it going?”

I look at him, surprised. “My painting?”

He points to the work hanging on the wall.

“He agreed to sell it to me?” My voice goes up an octave, and despite everything else happening, an unexpected happiness fills me.

Jax looks confused and uncomfortable. “Uh, I thought…” He glances at Hideo, then back to me. “He agreed to sell it to him like two weeks ago,” Jax points to Hideo. “And then he said to deliver it to you right away, but the truck was broken, so it’s just now we can get it to you.”

I look at Hideo, shocked. “How did you... How did you even know about this?”

Hideo smiles grimly and sadly. “If it’s important to you, Kai, I know about it.”

“But how did you get him to agree?”

“I’ll tell you the story someday.” He shrugs, a dark despair hanging over him.

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