Page 159 of Gates of Tartarus

Maddox turns to address me again. “Tanaka’s going to think I’m using this as an excuse for him, and it feels distasteful to him, I’m sure, like he’s not owning his shit, or like he’s placing the blame somewhere else. But I’m giving you straight facts. His mom was getting sick, and her treatments were fucking expensive. CDS let Tanaka put his mom on his health insurance, which covered her hospital visits and hospice care. CDS has excellent health coverage and benefits because they don’t want to lose the few operatives theydohave.”

I frown at Tanaka. We hadjustbecome partners when his mom really went downhill. We weren’t even friends yet, not exactly. Maddox keeps talking. “If he broke cover, and hell knows how but Gomez would have found out, it wouldn’t have been just Tanaka burning, it would have been his mom. No chance he could have afforded her care on his own. It’s part of what Gomez does – she ties you to her with rope, then iron, then steel, and then cuts your tendons so you can never leave. She bound him using his mom. And he barely knew you at that point. Not enough to give up his family. By the time his mom passed away and he had an out, he decided to stay in to protect you. If he left, she would have just assigned someone else to you, who wouldn’t keep your secrets. I think, and correct me if I’m wrong, Tanaka, that he felt he could do more good staying where he was.”

Hideo nods and sighs, focusing on the table in front of him. “And by that point I’m pretty sure he felt he was in too deep to tell you,” Maddox says. “So he decided to find a way out. Gomez was about to pull him from Seattle, and he would have given it another few months before resigning, I think. But then Babylon, and Kronos, and Gomez needs him because you refuse to entertain the idea of another handler, as we saw.” Maddox sighs and rubs his face tiredly. “The fact is, we need him as a CDS agent at the moment, and Gomez needs to think his ultimate loyalty lies with her, because we have no fucking idea of what she’s doing with Tennireef. And she’s taking great delight that Tanaka hasn’t broken from being an “Agency Man”. He kept solid during the ultimate test of loyalty, seeing you in the hospital and kicking you when you were down, and she thinks he’s 100% in her pocket based on that. Which was reinforced by your distance from him the past couple weeks.AndBabylon is refusing to accept an alternate CDS agent on the team at the moment since they don’t trust Gomez anymore. Gomez apparently feels it’s better to havesomefoot in the game, even if it’s not her favorite, so Tanaka has to stay there at the moment. But Kailani,” Maddox stares at me seriously, “that guy is 100% solid, and 100% on your side, even if it doesn’t seem that way at the moment. The scrambling I’ve seen him do in meetings with Gomez in order to cover you is nothing short of heroic.”

“And you?” I say quietly.

“Me?” he says, laughing tiredly. “Me? I’m just a fuck up.” The words are so strange and innocuous coming from the enormous, seemingly confident man. “A few years back, I was in charge of a multinational task force. Not Babylon – this was before I knew about Babylon. We were meant to go in and grab intel, that’s it. The team was composed of several backgrounds – British, South African, American, and Australian. Great group of guys.” He gulps slightly and stares up at the ceiling. “We really bonded. Probably too much. Became friends and lost the structure of the unit. It seemed fine at the time, like a good idea, everyone getting along, hanging out together, drinking. Seemed like it would make it easier in the field – the bond would be dependable, would mean we’d die for each other, like we could count on each other. But it made the hierarchy of the group messy. People began to question instructions in the field, thinking we were more friends than a military unit, and when you’re in certain situations, you don’t have time for discussions or debates. You just need to fucking move with one person steering the ship.”

Maddox’s knuckles are flexed white, pressing on the table in front of him, as he recounts the events in a flat, emotionless voice. “We were passed bad intel. I didn’t trust it. My second in the group didn’t trust it. The Australian, who had brought it to the table, was pissed that we were discounting his sources, and wanted to act on it. The team got in a massive argument, and I laid down the fucking law, which caused a rift. They were under my direction and weren’t following that lead. My second backed me, and the rest of the team seemingly gave in. That night, though, when my second and I were reviewing information, the others took off to pursue the intel, contradicting direct orders. They went into a booby-trapped building.” He gulps, cords of his neck flexing against the feel of the words in his mouth, a shudder running down his body. “Seef and I found out when we heard the jeep start. We grabbed our shit and followed them with a tracker, but we just couldn’t catch up. The team had already entered the building when we finally got to them – just this empty, fucking building. Nothing there but huge pieces of shattered glass covering the floor, and shards of concrete everywhere. The team wouldn’t fall in line because they thought we were friends. Then Seef heard this ‘tick-tick-tick’. It was so fucking faint. I don’t know how the hell he heard it over the other guys. He grabbed my arm and yanked me to the floor, and I didn’t fight him because I knew if he was acting, shit was about to go down. I grabbed this tarp thing near us and tried to pull it over us. The rest of the guys were still arguing and fucking around and fucking BOOM!”

The noise explodes out of a white-faced Maddox, his hands shaking, and the rest of us jerk back, like we could hear it ourselves. “Boom,” he says softly, staring down. “The shards of glass and concrete turned into shrapnel. It shredded the guys standing. Just skinned them alive. The screams were… And there was fire everywhere. Everywhere.” He turns slightly and pulls off his shirt. Now that I get a closer look, I can see that the upper portion of his tattoo is twisting around and over thick scar tissue, blended so expertly into the design that it’s difficult to see. But the tattoo ends on his shoulder blade, and the side of his back where the tattoo ends is covered in small, thin, silver scars, like someone took a knife and cut him hundreds of times, with a long, vivid burn scar down the edge of his shoulder blade. He pulls his shirt back on before continuing. “Seef saved my life, and it cost him. He could have gotten out if he hadn’t watched out for me. We were close enough to the door he could have made it. Instead, he lost his arm.” Bitterness and self-recrimination fill his voice. “The pain knocked him out. I couldn’t move this side of my body –” he motions towards his tattooed arm, “so I picked him up with this arm, really fucking dragged him, and got us out of the building. One of the guys was clearly dead, but the other two were still alive, barely. I couldn’t do shit for them. By the time I got Seef out and turned around to go back in, the place was nothing but a gate to hell.”

Maddox sighs deeply and rubs his face. “I couldn’t get back in. I fucking tried,” he says, almost desperately. “I tried. I could hear the two who were still alive…” Maddox swallows convulsively, body shaking. “If I hadn’t let the team structure fall apart, that shit never would have happened. Never.” Hardening his face and looking directly at me, he continues, voice now flat and controlled. “I made the choice to keep Tanaka’s involvement with CDS secret from you, despite what I knew it would cost you, because I knew the team would fall apart if you found out. I made the choice to trust Gomez, repeatedly, despite your history together, because I trust…trusted... the system. The hierarchy. I’ve viewed you as a valuable tool for Babylon, rather than a person, because if I focus on you as a person it will be more difficult to put you in positions which could negatively impact you. Ican’tchoose to protect you over others on this team… despite my personal feelings.”

We stare at each other as I process his words. He continues, “I have chosen to lie to you, and members of this team,” he says, inclining his head towards Walker, who looks at him with a long, level gaze, “because I thought it was the correct course of action. That we didn’t need to share all of the information because it would muddy the waters of the hierarchy. I would pass along any relevant things on a need-to-know basis, to prevent group-think, and a repeat of what happened with my initial unit.” His tone suddenly turns wry, a brief, almost amused look flashing across his face. “I underestimated your stubbornness, rebelliousness, and complete and utter refusal to accept any kind of order fromanyone.Someone could tell you to breathe, and you’d rather pass out from lack of oxygen if they didn’t give you a good enough reason why. I don’t have toaskyou to put yourself in danger. You just fucking gravitate towards it, despite any word of caution. You are,” he says, frustration warring with affection in his voice, “completely fucking infuriating. But despite all that, I thought things were rolling along, more or less merrily, structure maintained. As it turns out,” again he looks towards Walker and Jonah, who glare back at him rebelliously, “the guidelines given to members of this team regarding... ah… interpersonal relationships were systematically ignored. Previously rigid foot soldiers have become... less willing to abide by the rules. Which reinforces my course of action.”

Walker flashes Maddox a vicious grin, more a baring of teeth than anything, no humor on his face, and Maddox just stares back, face blank. “I’vealsobeen informed that I can go to hell regarding requests to limit outside camaraderie,” here he glances at Hideo, who has a little life in his face for the first time in weeks, “and that there will be no obfuscation of facts from this point on. So now what?” He throws his hands up in the air, staring at the ceiling. “Here is what I’m willing to own. I tried to run this unit without flexibility, based on what has been asked of us, and what has been successful in the past. I’ll acknowledge that this is a radically different situation. We’re not a military unit; we’re not in combat, per se. There’s room for discussion, butnotgroup-think. I’m willing to concede that noteverythingneeds to be me saying ‘jump’ and you asking ‘how high’. Iamsorry, Kailani, for not hearing you out more often, and for contributing to an environment that ultimately hurt you, very deeply.But,” he says, a note of caution in his voice, “theredoes haveto be a leader! I can’t apologize for that. And this,” he motions awkwardly towards Jonah and Walker as I blush furiously, “needs to be figured out. Because fighting over a girl would ruin everything we’ve worked towards. It can’t happen. I’m sorry. But it just can’t happen. If you need a… casual encounter... take it outside the team.”

Jonah speaks up for the first time, his smooth voice tight with anger and, oddly, a bit of triumph. “A) Kai isn’t justa girl, which you should well fucking know by now. B) There’s no fighting. To put this in terms you’ll understand – there’s a committee and a hierarchy, and we talk things out like any team. C) We’re not insane. We have fucking plans, Smith. We’re not idiots. And, D) Fuck you and your ‘casual encounter’ bullshit. What about this seems casual to you?”

Smith’s eyebrows hit the freaking ceiling, mirrored by Deo’s. “I’m sorry, what?” he asks, confusion clear in his tone.

“You need a briefing?” Jonah asks sarcastically, the tone odd on him. “We’ve got this well under control. Lachlainn is team lead, to use your terminology. He’s not part of this –” Jonah motions around the airplane, “so it makes more sense for him to handle any disagreements, etc. That way it doesn’t impact work. We bring it to Lachy and accept his judgment on the matter, and leave it there.”

“Wait, what?” Smith repeats. “A committee? Are you implying… What? And – Baird?? Not Kailani?” Smith asks, and I turn, also interested in what the fuck they’ve decided aboutmy freaking relationships.

“Not Kailani,” Walker says firmly. He looks at me almost apologetically. “Not because we don’t care what she thinks, but she shouldn’t have to handle mild disagreements between her boyfriends. Yes, we have a relationship with her, but we also have relationships between us –” he motions between him and Jonah, “and we can’t expect her to take sides every time we have an argument over who is spending more time with her or some shit. That’s extra pressure and stress on her, while trying to navigate an already fucking weird relationship. If it involves her, that’s fine. If she wants to hear about it, cool. But otherwise, we work things out amongst ourselves, and Lachlainn gets final say.” The last is said reluctantly, and Jonah pokes him. Walker rolls his eyes in response, saying under his breath, “I know, I know.”

“Boyfriends?” asks Smith incredulously.

Walker frowns. “Partners?” he turns to Jonah. “That sounds really clinical.” Both look thoughtful.

“Yeah, butboyfriendssounds... I don’t know, man. Kai?”

They both turn to me questioningly, but my mouth won’t work, and Jonah turns back to Walker. “Put a pin in it. We’ll discuss possibilities at the next committee meeting.” Walker nods seriously.

“How the fuck is this supposed to work? And whatplansdo you have?” Smith asks, jaw clenched. “Because this could all blow things to high hell, and you don’t seem to be fuckinglistening to reason.”

Jonah shrugs casually. “We’re working on them. Mostly what to do when this –” again he waves his hands around the airplane, “all calms down. Kai and I already have moved into Lachy’s house –” a wave of sadness washes off Gemma, who stares at the ground in front of her. “We’ll see what Walker wants to do.”

Walker shrugs. “Eh. Saves me some rent. And nice running out there. I’ll probably come out if Baird has a spot for me.”

I cannot breathe.What the fuck is happening?

“How is this going to affect the team?” Smith is almost apoplectic. I have no idea why he’s so angry, other than the fact that his handpicked team is at risk of imploding because I’m dating two of them.Eh. Maybe that’s enough of a reason.

Walker mimics Jonah’s earlier shrug. “Let’s be honest, Madds,” he says, using my nickname for him, and Maddox’s lips twitch to a quick smile before he quells it, “Kailani was already the MVP on the team for both CDS and Babylon. Our job from the start was to learn about her, get her as an asset, and then protect her during missions. Nothing about that changes. It’s inyourfancy little rule book from Babylon. Right? Reed’s safety is our priority and all that? So what changes if we follow those rules, just a little more enthusiastically?” He shoots me an evil little grin, which I don’t return, and his expression morphs into confusion. Walker and Jonah exchange concerned looks, then direct their attention back to me before Maddox commands it.

“Are you seriously telling me that Reed is... dating… you, Shotridge, and Lachlainn, andnoneof you have a fucking problem with this? Walker, be serious. You don’tdogirlfriends. It’s impossible for you to maintain a relationship with this lifestyle. And I know you. Iknowyou. You’re a jealous man. What happens when she finally picks one of you?”

Walker shakes his head, almost amused. “You’re missing the point, man. It’s impossible with this lifestyle because I can’tshareanything with the girl I’m dating, usually. I can’t say, ‘I have to leave for a while and you can’t know where or why or when I’m coming back.’ She wouldn’t understand. And it’s hard to stay committed when the secrets are the size of mountains. It’s pointless to try to… I don’t know, Madds...buildsomething together when there’s nothing real or true about it. This –” he motions between him and me, “worksbecauseof my lifestyle. I leave for three months somewhere, Kai will understand. She’ll probably even be part of it in some form or another. So I won’t have to hide things from her.”

“Yeah, but you could have that ifjustyou and her were dating. It makes no sense–”

“It makes all the sense,” Walker bites back, clearly growing frustrated. “She understands the camaraderie here because she’s part of it. She knows the dark humor, understands the brotherhood, gets that she’ll have to take a backseat sometimes to someone else because she’sin this. There’s not going to be bitching about how much time I devote to the job, there’s not going to be complaining about me going out for drinks with you, or me spending time on my own, or me keeping secrets, because she’spartof the team. She knows you guys. She can feel when I need to be alone; she has clearance so secrets aren’t an issue. I don’t have to worry about her when I’m gone. I won’t be distracted wondering if Gomez or whoever-the-fuck has grabbed her. I’ll know she’s okay. I don’t have to panic if her brain is melting because Jonah and Lachlainn both can help fix it. She has a problem with trust and knowing what’s true and what isn’t. We can balance that between us. Jonah zens her out and energizes her somehow; Lachlainn is her safe spot... I’m... well, we’re figuring that out. And I can come back, full of anger or sadness or whatever, and I don’t have to talk it out. Not really, which is good because I suck at talking. She won’t do that thing where she’ll want to analyze every fucking feeling and have ‘discussions’. But she’ll know anyway and won’t get pissed at me for being silent. She’ll just know. It’s too hard to explain, man. If you don’t get it, I don’t know what to tell you. It’s weird, yeah, for sure. It’s not something I was looking for. And I’m not sure how my jealousy will play into it. But we’re trying it.”

The last is said defiantly, and he and Jonah are clearly playing good cop–bad cop, because now Jonah is speaking, his voice smooth and smoky, full of compassion and understanding towards Maddox.

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