Page 167 of Gates of Tartarus

“Mmmm.”

“Wrong choice?”

“Are you looking for my opinion? Or just letting me know?”

“Your opinion, Lachy.”

“You’re a puzzle missing a piece when he’s gone, Kai. He grounds you when you're away from home. I’m beyond angry at him. I’ll probably punch him in the face next time I see him. But I think that, if you can, if youwantto, it will help you heal.”

“I… also… I… uh... kissed Walker,” I say in a rush, face red.

His familiar roar of laughter echoes down the line, making me smile in spite of myself. “Oh, Suge. Don’t worry. You don’t have to report back. I know you’re just checking in, and I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you, but the guys have this worked out. We don’t want you being nervous or uncomfortable with anything. We’re trying to make this as smooth as possible for you. It’s okay. I promise you.” There’s a pause, then, “He kind of grows on you, anyways,” Lachy says grudgingly. “He’s not as bad as I initially thought. And he keeps saying he’s going to be bad at this and how strange it all is, but he’s the one who got a group chat up and running and organized a ‘family calendar’.”

“What!?” I ask, shocked. “What group chat?”

“What’s that?” Lachy asks, voice teasing. “I can’t hear you. This connection… breaking... up…”

“Stop it, Lach! What group chat?”

He laughs again. “Kai, you’re so much fun.”

I look at my watch. “Shit. I have to go, Lach. I need to get ready.” My voice grows sad, catches for a second on the last words, “I miss you.”

“I miss you too, Suge. But I want you to go have fun. Take lots of photos. Text me. Pretend to be Anne Boleyn!”

“She lost her head, Lach! What the hell?”

We laugh together, his voice rough and warm. “I love you, Kailani,” he says, no hesitation. The words knock the laughter from my throat. They leave no space for air or sound. His tone is still the gentle, teasing warmth from before, no hint of upset or worry in it. “Ah! I’ve learned the secret of the Sphinx! Just speak the truth, and it will knock her over. I love you, and I don’t care if I have to say it a million times until you believe it. I have forever to convince you, because you are the Alpha and Omega for me. It all begins and ends with you.”

The silence grows thick, but he is patient and doesn’t rush me to speak. After a minute, he says quietly, “You need to head out now, Kai. So say goodbye.” Still light, still teasing, still warm and…

“I love you too, Lachlainn,” I say in a rush, before taking a deep breath and slowing down to make my words clear and precise. “I love you too.”

“Well,” he replies, his voice shaking slightly for the first time, so much emotion in that one word it fills the room. He clears his throat. “Well. Have a good day, Suge.”

“You too, Lach,” I say and hang up the phone. For a moment I lie, slightly shocked at myself, staring up at the ceiling.

Maybe I’m beginning to heal, I think.Maybe this is me, fixing myself. And I smile to myself, Cheshire-Cat grin squeezing my cheeks till they hurt.

A New Normal

Monday, 10 December – Kailani

The tour of the Tower was amazing. The British team had organized a special tour for us with one of the head Yeomen, and we even got to meet the Ravenmaster. Gemma and I spent the entire time asking questions, at first to the Beefeater’s amusement and appreciation, but by the third hour I could see his eye start to twitch slightly every time one of us said, “quick question…” Jonah was quiet most of the time, just taking photos every single time I oooo’d or ahhhh’d, which I really appreciated, as it gave me time to focus on where I was and just take it in. Walker was surprisingly into it, stealing the Guard’s thunder a couple of times when he told us about the zoo and the polar bears that used to live there, and pointing out where repairs were made from damage during World War II. Deo just walked silently along beside me, jumping slightly every time I would get excited and grab his hand to pull him over to show him something. In the moment it was hard to remember why things were so awkward with him – he’d been hearing me dream about visiting England for years, and finallyseeingthe ax and block in the armory drove all thoughts of the last few weeks out of my head. Eventually I just ignored the unsettled feeling and pushed it to the side, knowing I wanted this memory with Gemma and Hideo at the Tower to be a good one. And Maddox watched over the entire group with careful eyes, quietly and surreptitiously watching out for us, checking the rooms before we entered them, making sure that everything was clear. I’m not sure he heard a single thing on the tour, but I’d catch occasional twitches of his Viking lips every time Gemma or I would get loud with excitement.

Afterwards, we decide to go to a little Irish pub nearby that has a private room at the back and absolutely stuff ourselves on Shepherd’s Pie and Boxty. The guys, other than Hideo, all have a few beers, the watch being passed from Maddox to Deo with a stern look and a nod, and Gemma orders some atrocious concoction called a blackberry and cider. I just drink tea and curl up on an old stuffed couch in a snug in the corner, watching the back and forth between everyone at the table. Jonah looks over at me at one point, clearly concerned, but I smile a little and he goes back to the conversation, which started out stilted but has become easy and laced with laughter as the drinks flow. There are a couple of musicians having a bit of a session in the front room, and the music drifts back to us, floating through the peat smoke and sounds of the bar. When Madds and Walker get to their feet and head for another round, Jonah lures me to my feet and spins me around the room for a song, much to the delight of Gemma and the tolerant and envious gaze of Deo. He twirls me in the small space, coaxing quiet laughter from me, then pauses, and pulls me tight against him, swaying, and sings along with the song softly in my ear, “not much more to be said, the world we just should ignore, so I took her hand and I spun her around, said you’re still the same girl I adore…” I can feel his heartbeat through his chest, thrumming with the music and the dancing, and mine echoes its call.

Madds and Walker return as the song fades, replaced by a raucous version of “Beer, Beer, Beer”. The two men look at each other and whoop with delight, clinking their pint glasses and shouting along with the chorus. Jonah joins in by the second time through, and Gemma’s high, tone-deaf soprano joins in for the third. For a moment, the rest of life doesn’t exist – even Deo’s teasing groan of pain towards Gemma makes me laugh. The song transitions again, this time to something keening and soft, and the table settles down, Walker telling a story about Maddox and a pub in Ireland that has Madds bright red and wrestling Walker like a kid, trying to get him to stop talking. Gemma and Jonah roar with laughter at their antics, and Deo is grinning at them, though still keeping a watchful eye. I settle back into my seat and drink it all in, the emotions knitting around me in shining, silver links.

Minutes or hours later, the fire is dying and the music has stopped, the earlier sounds of the pub fading to background noise. The low, indistinct murmurs lull me to a half-sleep state, the time difference catching up with me and the warmth of the fire cocooning me. A strange feeling comes over me, skitting around the edge of my consciousness like butterfly wings, barely there, as though if I look at it too hard it will disappear altogether, but I chase it down, eyes still closed, trying to identify it. It’s difficult to catch, but just as I'm about to give up, Hideo says something, and the soft chime of Gemma’s laugh blends with the deeper baritone and base of Walker and Maddox, with Jonah’s amused groan in the background, and in that moment, I realize what it is I’m feeling. It’s contentment. So simple, yet so strange. It’s deeper than just happiness... more happiness mixed with something – a sense of satisfaction, of things beingrightor in their right places. And I let that feeling fill me, drifting through my veins like mist, the sounds of my team creating a safe space to rest.

‘T’ Is For Team

Tuesday, 11 December – Maela

Today is T-day, Teams’ day, and I’m feeling unaccountably nervous, like I’m fourteen-years-old again, plump, brace-bedecked, pimpled, and about to start high school. Or, no, I think to myself as I brush on mascara, trying desperately not to blink, it’s worse than that. It’s more like the first time I walked into a class of undergraduates as their teacher. I was in charge, with the power of life or Fs, and yet inside I was trembling like a very small and particularly timid mouse. Thirty pairs of eyes had settled on me, some eager, some hung over, some still half asleep, all expecting me to deliver a masterful opening lecture on the British Romantic poets; and all I could think was that there had been a terrible mistake and I would soon be exposed as a charlatan and a fraud. The wand slips. I’ve narrowly avoided blinding myself, but I’ve left a dirty great smudge by my eyebrow. Great. Now I’ll have to redo my eyeshadow. I grab a bit of tissue, dab it with my tongue, and rub.

Given that this is the first time the two teams will be meeting, I want to make a good impression, so I’ve chosen my “casual yet serious and stylish but professional” outfit: plaid skirt, black pullover, and black beret. I wrinkle my nose. I’ve got to remember that my class on the Romantic poets was a success and that I’d actually been quite good at my job. “Now, Maela,” I murmur to my reflection, “you’re good enough, you’re smart enough, and gosh darn it, peoplelikeyou.” I nod and stick out my tongue. It is what it is.

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