Page 174 of Gates of Tartarus

London is a gossamer web surrounding me, strings of lights muted against the grey sky, tiny diamonds of water refracting dimly colored bulbs against pane-glass windows. There is a quiet hush of people hurrying by – no one seems to want to linger in the heavy mist. It’s not quite rain but somehow sinks into your skin, cold and damp, even through heavy clothing. Though it’s morning, the sky is dark enough to feel like early evening, and I feel almost at home, despite the strange accents around me, the cold grey chill not feeling far away from a Seattle winter. For a moment I’m so homesick for Vashon and the quiet Sound, the fireplace, the pine smoke, and Lachy, always Lachy, that I feel a pit in my stomach.

Jonah glances down at me, as though he can feel the pull towards Vashon, and smiles, a slow, secret play of his lips that sends fire through my blood.

“Come on,” he commands playfully. “Before Maela gets here. Your first Covent Garden Christmas only happens once.” And he pulls me closer to the enormous Christmas tree in the center of the square. It has to be sixty-feet tall, wrapped in red and white, twinkling lights, and is sitting in a large wooden wine barrel with an enormous red bow and a tag that says “Love From Covent Garden”. We stop beneath it, close enough that I can reach up and rub the edge of the pine between my fingers, releasing the woodsy smell of the oils onto my hand. London is a strange city – the history overlays the modern in such all-encompassing ways that, when the fog is right and the traffic is a white hum of noise, there are moments when I expect a horse and carriage to drive through the square. I feel like I could push through the fabric of time here, small rips in the seams, and end up somewhere, or somewhen, completely different.

Glancing away from the tree, I meet Jonah’s smiling eyes, though his face is still and thoughtful. He opens his mouth, pauses, and looks away from me before saying quietly, “I was surprised you asked me to come along this morning.”

Frowning, I squeeze his hand lightly, forcing him to look at me. He does, face abashed, and he shrugs uncomfortably. I’m not used to seeing Jonah like this. “Why?” I ask, concerned.

“I don’t know…” he begins slowly. “I guess I thought with you and Tanaka making up, that maybe things were going to change.”

I want to deny it immediately, want to reject that thought right away, but take a deep breath andthinkabout what he’s said before replying. “Jonah…” I say slowly, and his face falls slightly, as though he’s anticipated and is expecting what I’m about to say.

“I know, Kai.” His voice is soft and sad, but understanding, and it’s the understanding that kills me.

“Youdon’tknow, J, and I’m so, so sorry that I’ve taken this for granted and haven’t made it clear to you.”

Puzzled, he raises an eyebrow as I continue. Turning fully towards him, I take both his hands, willing him to understand what I’m about to say, and praying that I get the words right. “Jonah, I... I asked you to come with me because I wanted to experience this with you. Because I wanted to be with someone who would experience itwithme. Deo and Walker are wonderful, but Walker would be on guard the whole time looking for the next attack, and D has spent his entire life masking his emotions, so he never... he never lets himself get completely lost in them. This is myfirst timein a place I’ve been dreaming about for my entire life. I’vealwayswanted to visit London, and to see it atChristmas? I feel like a kid, a real kid, not the type of kid I was. This…” I sigh, searching for the words. “This feels like what childhood was meant to be. The wonder and excitement and happiness and magic. And I know I can be that way with you, and you won’t judge me or smile at me like ‘look how cute she is’, because you’re in itwithme. Being with you gives me a version of myself… it gives me the version of myself that might have been if the rest of my life didn’t happen. We get to be silly and stupid and… you feel like what I think a high-school boyfriend would have felt like.”

He half smiles. “I’m not sure how to take that,” he jokes, and I grin up at him.

“It’s untainted by experience. By life. It’s just... what I feel for you – it justis. Like first love. Like what you read about. Like a crush, one of those butterflies-in-the-stomach, passing-notes-in-class crushes. And there’s nothingbutthat there – no history swirling around to make those feelings heavier. Every time I’m with you, it’s new, and unexpected, and maybe it’s selfish, but I wanted this time together, alone, touring Covent Garden. I didn’t want to do it thinking about everything going on right now, and my responsibilities, and what could happen. I just wanted to be with my boyfriend, holding hands under the light of the Christmas tree, drinking hot chocolate, and dreaming about the mistletoe.”

Jonah’s face is a heartbeat, and the happiness in it thrums in my blood. I never knew, before the last few months, how painful happiness is. It hurts sometimes, it’s so sharp and bright; it cuts in its own way, and I can feel the burn of tears across the bridge of my nose looking at the naked emotion on his face.

“Kai.” His voice is soft, hesitant, like I won’t like what he’s about to say. “What happens when I’m not happy? Will there still be a place for me, with you?”

“Jonah…” Waves of devastation crash through me. “I’m not explaining this right at all if you think…” Gripping his hands tightly in mine, I fumble with my words. “It’s not just the good stuff... My only boyfriend up until now made me feel small, all the time, and stupid, and... I mean, hehadto date me. Literally was assigned to. I’ve never had arealboyfriend. Never. I have history with Deo and Lachy, so they’ve seen all the ups and downs of me that are just part of me as a person. But you’re my first realboyfriend. You’re the first guy to ever ask me on a proper date. You and I, we’re something outside of everything else. I feel like, like you would have maybe asked me out if you’d just seen me at a coffee shop.” I blush, and he grins.

“Hell yeah I would have.”

“And we would have done all this newness together, learning how to be happy and sad together, how to support each other and – I love that you text me randomly throughout the day. I love your little cartoons that cheer me up, that we watch stupid movies together, that you jump into bed to warm me up without thinking, that you shut your phone off when we’re together. We’re something different than what I have with anyone else. You’ve never made me feel small, or unseen. You notice me – more than that. Youlookfor me. And today is important to me, because I know I’ll always remember it. And I wanted to remember it with you.”

Stepping forward into him, I press against him from the toes of my boots all the way up to our shoulders, our long hair blowing into tangles together in the wind, and I stand up on tiptoes, touching my cold nose to his. “I look for you, too, Jonah,” I whisper and kiss him.

Jonah’s lips curl into a smile beneath mine, and I pull back to see his eyes sparkling like Christmas lights. “Mistletoe,” I whisper quietly, looking up at the small bunch of tightly tied berries hanging over our heads. Leaning forwards, he kisses me back, soft lips warm against mine, sending little shots of fire-bright joy through me.

“Mistletoe,” he says happily, lips still brushing my own. “But you’re freezing. Come on. Let’s get you a hot chocolate. Girlfriend.”

Grinning, I grab his hand in mine, lacing our fingers together, as he pulls me towards Apple Market and the promise of warmth.

???

We’re on our second cup of hot chocolate with a heavy topper of whipped cream and a freaking delightful addition of something called a Cadbury Flake stuck on the top, and I’m starting to get worried. Frowning, I check my watch for the tenth time.

“What’s wrong?” Jonah asks, and I shrug.

“I’m not sure,” I reply. “It’s just... Maela’s late. And she doesn't seem like the sort to be late. I mean, based on our limited interaction, but... yeah. Ohshiiiiit…” I breathe out, and Jonah instantly goes on alert.

“What? What’s wrong?”

“Just, ah, go with it…” I mutter, grab him, and kiss the heck out of him. To his credit, he doesn’t hesitate and proceeds to kiss me back so thoroughly I forget what I’m doing in the first place and am interrupted moments later by an obvious clearing of a throat. Pulling away from Jonah, face flushed and hair a mess, I meet the amused gaze of Elizabeth and a slightly stressed, flustered Maela. Fallon trails behind them, looking uncomfortable.

“Eep!” I squeak, fussing with my hair and trying to straighten it. “Ah. Sorry.”

Maela grins, and it’s only slightly forced. “What happened to Girls’ Day out?” she chirps, a teasing note in her voice. Elizabeth mock-frowns, though her eyes are dancing in amusement.

“My goodness, Kailani. We’ve obviously interrupted something.” Her tone is much more laughing, and I blush.

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