Page 83 of Gates of Tartarus

Grabbing me gently under my arms and legs, he lifts me like a baby. I breathe in the woodsy, pine-tree smell of him, all cold air and snow, and I snuggle closer into him for a moment. He smells just like Christmas, and I bury my face in his neck, inhaling deeply and purring with happiness. Lachy freezes briefly, then moves me to the couch and tucks me in under my blanket.

Looking around the room, he carefully makes his way over to the kitchen. “Coffee?” he asks.

“In the cupboard near the sink,” I call back. “But none for me please. I’m fiiiiine on wiiiiiiine!” I sing. I pretend not to notice him wince slightly at my off-key declaration.

“Okay, Suge. But at least have a little water, hmmm?” He brings me over a large glass, and I take a few sips, and it wakes me up a little more. Even with my head floating above me like a balloon, I know something is off. Singing along under my breath to the music, it comes to me all of a sudden, and I sober up quickly.

Looking around frantically as my heart tries to escape from my chest, I dive beneath the blankets on the couch and pull a heavy pillow over me. Lachy comes over from the kitchen and sits down carefully next to me. “Everything okay in there, Kai?” he asks, a smile in his voice.

“You have to GO!” I whisper yell. “You probably can’t tell, but I’ve been drinking, and I can’t put up my shields when I’m like this! You have to go, seriously!” My voice is shaking as waves of panic wash over me, flushing out all of the happy feelings from earlier. I can feel Lachy move, then hesitate, and then finally feel his gentle hands move away the pillow I’m cramming over my head as a shield.

“Kailani.”

I shake my head, eyes screwed shut.

“Kailani” he tries again. “Suge. I…” He lets out a deep breath. “Will it only hurt you if I have negative emotions? Or will anything harm you?”

“Only negative. But anything negative, like if you laugh at me for my Christmas stuff, or you think I’m stupid for how I act if I’ve been drinking, or... Just go, Lachy!” I babble incoherently. I tense, waiting for anger to flow out to me, or disgust, or impatience. With my walls down it would flood me and sink into me until it became my own feeling. I keep trying to put my walls up, but they slip through my grasp, like grabbing at smoke.

Lachy sighs again and speaks very softly, such a low bass rumble that it’s almost hard to hear.

“Kailani. I… if I promise you that I won’t feel any of that, can I stay here with you? Just until I’m sure you’re okay? I’ll help you get those lights up and everything.”

I shake my head. “You can’t promise me that, Lachy. How could you?”

He speaks even more quietly than before. “I can promise you, Kai. All I feel when I’m with you, all I feel whenever I think of you, it’s only happiness. And gratitude. And… just… I can promise you, Kai. I’d just like to be with you, just for a bit, while you're able to be unguarded.”

Pausing for a long time, he waits for an answer, then gets up to leave. “It’s okay, Suge. I understand.”

I hear him move towards the door, hear the door knob creak slightly as he turns it. Lying still, frozen, underneath the blanket fort I had made, I argue with myself. I can’t get my walls up! Lachy will drown me in emotion if he doesn't go. But… Lachy has never broken a promise he has made to me. In fact, he rarely makes promises because it’s so important to him to keep his word. He is one of three people I trust implicitly in this world, and all he’s asking for is a chance. He’s never asked for anything, not once since I have known him. All he does is give, and comfort, and care. And he wants to stay. To make sure I’m okay. Taking a deep breath, I call his name softly.

“Lachy?”

I hear him pause. The air is so still, only a soft instrumental carol playing in the background ripples the silence, but quietly enough that I can hear his breath shake as he waits for me to speak. I push cautiously towards him, ready to pull back in an instant if I sense any bitterness or disappointment from him. But all I feel from him is hope. Bright, desperate hope, flickering like a candle in the night, waiting for someone to blow it out.

“Could... can you help me with the lights? I can’t do them alone.”

The hope flares up, blinding like a bonfire, and sparks into such happiness it’s infectious, flooding the room, the entire cabin, with its power. Even if I’d been fully shielded that surge would have knocked down my walls in a second. He still hasn’t moved, standing frozen at the door, and clears his throat before replying.

“Sure, Kai. Sure. I’d be happy to help.”

Half an hour later, I’m shouting with laughter. Lachy started on the lights with the utmost confidence, clearly thinking I hadn’t been able to untangle them due to the wine. Tears are pouring down my face, and I’m having trouble breathing watching him grow increasingly more frustrated with the mess.

“How many strands are in this?” he growls out after disentangling the fourth set of lights from the web, seemingly making no progress at all. Despite his hair standing on end from him running his hands through it in exasperation, and his annoyed tone of voice, the initial happiness that had flooded out hasn’t changed a bit in its intensity, though it has settled into a smaller range. Every time he makes me giggle or outright laugh with his antics, though, it flares again, laced with contentment and satisfaction.

He shakes fistfuls of lights at me, and a pleading tone enters his voice. “Can we just pitch these and buy new ones?”

“No way! I’ve spent ages collecting the good ones!”

“Well, can we at least turn on the lights? I know the Christmas village and the Christmas lights are prettiest in the dark, but I’m crying uncle, Suge. I’m not going to be able to do this without some decent lighting.”

I fake-frown at him but grab my wine and hop out from under the covers on the couch where I’m curled up. The two glasses of water I’ve downed have pushed back against the drunken chaos I was descending into and righted me back to perfectly tipsy. I’m currently nursing the rest of the white to maintain my happy glow.

Stumbling through piles of decorations, I dance towards the light switch near the door. Just as I flip it on, The Backstreet Boys’ “It’s Christmastime Again” begins blasting from the speakers. Oh gods! My secret shame for sure! But the song has a great beat, and it always makes me happy and dancy, so I shake my ass for a minute as the melody pours over me. A strangled sound comes from the floor behind me, and I turn around in concern to find Lachy staring at me fixedly, pupils blown, focused intently on my outfit.Oh... right. I give an awkward shimmy in my tiny “Nice” crop top and say weakly, “I dress up to decorate?”

He clears his throat, starts to speak, clears his throat again, and rumbles, “That’s fine, Suge. As long as you’re not expecting me to join you…”

The image of Lachy dressed in tiny boy-shorts that say “Naughty” across the ass lights up my imagination, and I screech with laughter. My knees give out as I drop to the floor, barely able to breathe, thinking of his bearlike physique packed into the Christmas gear. Every time I try to stop laughing, I look back up at him and it sets me right off again.

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