Page 57 of The Bookshop Ladies

‘Not at all… sorry…’ Fern brushed herself down and tried her best to compose herself, which was not easy, since her heart was racing and now she felt like a scarecrow, standing there in her pyjamas with bed hair and sleepy eyes. ‘No, I mean, I really am so sorry,’ Fern stammered and as she said it, she realised, that night, in Joy’s flat, it was the one thing she hadn’t said. She should have said it, because shewassorry. Hadn’t she spent years being sorry for what she had done to Joy Bachand? Even if she couldn’t regret sleeping with Yves because it had resulted in Robyn, she’d always felt badly about him being married. ‘Actually,’ she heard the words on her lips before she had even planned to say them, ‘would you like to come up for coffee?’ Fern’s heart was literally pounding in her chest. She held her breath, strangely nervous, as if she was waiting for a prognosis that might be life-altering. Joy didn’t owe her anything, least of all forgiveness, or a second chance.

‘I…’ Joy stammered, ‘I would like that, thank you.’ And she followed Fern up the darkened staircase to the flat over the bookshop.

‘Of course, our coffee is nowhere near as good as Shane’s,’ Fern prattled to cover her nervousness.

‘Pff, that doesn’t really matter, does it?’ Once in the kitchen, Joy stood with her back to the door, her hands behind her back as if she was waiting for the inevitable.

‘I just wanted to say…’ Except now that they were standing opposite each other and the kettle had boiled and it was time to actually make the coffee, Fern had no idea what she wanted to say or how she might go about saying it. ‘I just wanted to say…’

‘I am so sorry, Fern.’ Joy blurted it out and Fern could hear the emotion in her voice. It surprised her because she had a feeling that Joy was the sort of woman who would work as hard as she could to keep her emotions pinned down and not cry, lest she make things even more awkward.

‘I think if anyone needs to apologise here, it’s me…’ Fern said.

‘No, not at all, don’t you see, you already did apologise.’

‘When?’ Fern’s hands were shaking; she couldn’t quite follow the words.

‘That night on the pier, I knew you were talking about Yves. I knew it was my marriage you felt guilty about. After that, I could see it so clearly. It drained the life from your art. You’ve been carrying a world of guilt on your shoulders. The truth is, you’ve already suffered far too much, because we were fine… really. We had a good marriage, better than most.’

‘Certainly better than mine, it turns out.’ Fern laughed in spite of herself, because it was the truth.

‘Don’t you think you’ve endured enough already?’ Joy whispered.

‘You’re meant to be angry with me, not encouraging me to forgive myself.’

‘Who says what we’re supposed to feel? I felt very differently before I came here.’ Joy dropped into one of the mismatched kitchen chairs and placed her mobile phone on the table. ‘I planned to come to Ireland, shove that painting in Robyn’s or your face and hightail it back to Paris again. I needed to understand how Yves could have betrayed me and I wanted to see who this other woman was – this woman who I despised, if I’m being completely honest. I wanted to hurt you, really hurt you, until I met Robyn and I have to say, that from that first day in the shop, when I could hardly speak, both of us were somehow out of our depth. I was so sick with nerves but I knew, immediately, that she was the innocent party here and I began to like her.’ She smiled sadly. ‘In spite of myself, I began to really like her. She is very special.’

‘Maybe it’s because she’s Yves’s daughter?’

‘No, she may look like her father, but the parts of her I warmed to, the vulnerable, kind-hearted parts, are all you, Fern. They’re all your traits, she is your daughter more than she could ever have been Yves’s, I see that now, and…’ she stopped, perhaps trying hard to overcome the emotion that was thick in the air between them. ‘I think it’s a good thing. Between you and Albie, you have made her into a really fine young woman.’

‘She is. Oh, Joy, I love her so much and I thought… you know, after we saw that painting…’ What had she thought? That she was losing her to Joy? Was that it? ‘Maybe I didn’t know what to think.’

‘You thought I was the wicked stepmother, out to exact some sort of horrible revenge for your affair with Yves?’

‘It wasn’t even an affair…’

‘It doesn’t matter, it’s all so long ago.’ Joy held up her hands. ‘As Albie would say, all that matters is the here and now, nothing else really counts.’

‘Truce?’ Fern held out her hand but she stood for a second, wondering if, after all that, Joy was going to accept this small olive branch.

‘Oh, yes.’ Joy got up and threw her arms around Fern and soon they were both crying like babies. Fern’s relief felt so palpable, it permeated the whole kitchen. ‘Truce,’ Joy said when they stood back and eyed each other shyly. ‘Now, what about that coffee?’

‘Perhaps I should just tidy myself up and we’ll get some from Shane and bring one to Robyn also?’

‘Brilliant idea, Fern, I really think it would be the one thing she would love at this point.’ Joy stopped and turned to her. ‘Actually, I’m glad you’re coming with me, I have something to share with Robyn this morning…’

39

Robyn looked up to see both Joy and Fern smiling down at her. She took the coffee cup from her mother gratefully.

‘A celebration?’ she asked. ‘Has peace finally been brokered?’ she looked from one to the other.

‘It has,’ Fern said and she looked happier than Robyn had seen her look for a very long time. Joy simply nodded and took the copy ofAlicefrom her bag, placing it carefully on the counter top between them.

‘I have something else to tell you…’ Joy said and tapped the book with a thin finger. ‘This is not just any copy ofAlice’s Adventures in Wonderland.’

‘What do you mean?’ Fern asked, tilting her head a little to look at the cover properly. ‘It’s quite old and tatty, isn’t it?’

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