Page 14 of Flying

“Shut up!” she whines and laughs. My chest lightens. It does notever matter how long we’ve been apart, it always feels like no time has passed with her.

“Anyway, it’s not a diamond, thank you very much. It’s an opal.” She actually squeals. “I’m hoping it’s one from Mom’s collection direct from the South Sea.” She sighs while thinking about Filipino opals. “More importantly, Lee had to prove to Susan his commitment to not just me, but keeping us close by. You know how she’ll get about things like grandkids and God only knows if Mateo will be in a relationship ever.”

Stef’s older brother is off in New York working in real estate, doing something that is time consuming and pays very well. Beyond that, he’s been sort of a mystery to us the last few years. “Although, I hear he's been trying to get involved in some social good things now too. I don’t know if I buy this change in him, but I hear he’s been asking Nessa some questions about her work at the hospital.”

Nessa, our friend-therapist-turned real psychologist, has been passionate about women’s rights and advocacy for as long as we can remember. “It’s weird they’re talking, right?”

“It’s even more weird that they still hate each other,” she confirms.

The longer we’re together, the more my heart feels like it’s being tugged at. I’ve missed her. I’ve missed them all. I don’t want to miss things anymore.

I’vealways beena little bit flighty, so it doesn’t surprise Stef that I’m lost in my daydreams as I drive us home. It took a moment to realize she had been talking but I missed part of her story.Crap.I quickly glance over to see her with tears in her eyes.Good ones? Bad ones? Crap.

My brain must have heard some of this, even though I wasn’t paying attention, because before long I put together that she’s blubbering.

“I’m about to get engaged, and you’re just still, rootless. Floating from gig to gig, no permanent home. We’re your family you know, even if your parents are going to suck. We’re still all here.”

“I disagree, I have a permanent home.” Tapping above my heart,Iremind her, “The only place I need to live is your heart. It’s even rent free. My favorite price.”

I hope this keeps the heat off me for now, because the part I do not want to blurt out is how she’d change her mind. If I came back and everyone watched as I fumbled, they’d be annoyed. I’d have one really ‘fun’ night being over the top before hiding out on my own for days on end. Forgetting to call them back. Forgetting plans.

“Everywhere I go I find other wandering souls. I get to have you all as my foundation, then float in and out making new friends everywhere I go.” Desperately trying to maintain a mask of chipper excitement, despite the exhaustion of fast friends, fast friends-with-benefits, and consistent change.

When I have started to think maybe I do want roots, my partners have not been on the same page. Every time I catch an unreciprocated feeling I watch the story play out identically. First, we end things because one of us will be hurt. Sometimes, we re-run and hook up again because it is just “easy”—although it isn’t. Magically, after the commitment-phobe moves on, they meet someone they want to spend a lifetime with. Like that movieGood Luck Chuckwith that terribly not funny dude, Dane something. I am the person you fuck to find true love. I’ve said it before but Stef won’t accept this for the fact it remains. So I bring her back to something that I know will hold her attention.

“Stefanie Anne Santos-Manolo almost Carter,” I reprimand, “do not deflect this and make it about me right now!”

She manages to burst out at the same time, “Lily Jayne Long, don’t you dare claim you cannot find love again to me.”

eleven

River

“She stayed here last night,” I tell Delia matter of factly as we prep the bar for tonight's party.

“We figured that out when you two were spotted together this morning,” she says before heaving a dishwasher rack of glasses onto the bartop.

“And?” I nudge. Knowing well enough by now that Delia has an opinion on this and she will share sooner than later.

“And,” she hums suggesting she’s thinking about this for the first time, “I’m wondering if you think she’s going to change for you.” The confidence, the sharp bite of the words said almost flatly.

What is that supposed to mean? Aren’t they close? My brain begins to ask questions at a rapid fire pace. I raise the empty clear blue ice buckets up and say to her simply, “Kitchen.” Walking away before I scream, or ask too many desperate things, or say something I regret.

“Boss!” Delia yells barely audibly over the noise as I dip the bucket into the industrial ice maker and shake in as many cubes as I can. The cool air helps to calm my anger and frustration, and the lifting and adjusting allows some of the twitching in my muscles to subside. Lugging the two heavy containers back to fill behind the bar I work in silence hoping to move on.

“River,” Delia says more gently this time as she takes the bucketfrom my hands. “I’m sorry, I’m mad at her. I’m so happy she is here, but I’m so sick of this. I’m not sure if calling her on it is even fair. I just am watching a good friend hold on to something so illogical. I watch those meditation streams she runs, the confident and calm person she portrays isn’t my Lily.”

Delia proceeds to uncork a bottle of white wine and pour herself a half glass. I raise an eyebrow before motioning for her to proceed.

“River, come on. You aren’t stupid,” she sighs at me.

“Delia, come on. You aren’t saying anything,” I mimic back to her.

Gulping down the remainder of the glass and refilling, she hands it to me and motions for me to drink. While my mouth is full of the dry, tangy, cold liquid she continues.

“She cares too much about what other people will say or do. She’s avoided joining the six of us unless it was either in the city or we went to her. She’s focused on things here as though it’s all of Peacock Springs against Lily Long, when you know it’s such a small group who would even care. The sticklers for the outdated town rules are shrinking every day. Seth took over the bookstore, you took over here. We’readultsnow, and we have as much of a voice as anyone else. Why isn’t she letting us help her? What is she doing? I know she isn’t as happy as she says. It’s why I call so often. It’s why I push Nessa to keep her book club brunches going over Zoom. I know very well what it’s like to have only you all as family.”

“Fair point. And, were you telling me this is foul?” I make a face finishing off the bit of wine Delia had given me.

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