Page 33 of Flying

Stef & Leegot engaged. I was brave. I went back to NJ and celebrated. I saw Nessa, Delia, Seth & River

Seeing River sparked our friendship back to a new/old level and we had another visit in VT, and we text and video chat regularly now

Thorns:

Belinda Long walked past me like I was air

Grant Morgan is still a total asshole, he tried to blame me for everything from back then & everything with mom now

I’m still struggling to remove these toxic things from my brain, the insecurities creep in on their own but hearing and seeing their sources made it worse. I’m practically ready to scrape my memories with bleach

Manifesting:

Being in Peacock Springs can be as good or bad as I allow it to be, for the coming year, I will remember the woman I am beyond town. The confidence and self-love I cultivated lives in me, and I can drown out the naysayers. My open heart gives kindness and empathy out, and I will accept only that energy back towards me

I will welcome love in all its forms in my 29th year, and I will continue to watch it bloom like flowers in a well tended garden. Love for myself, for my friends who are my family, and love for others who cannot show the same love back

Next,I think about the assignment from Dorothea and let myself just spill it all out. No matter if it is logical or not. I tell myself all that matters is writing.

Mom (and Dad),

Grant chose Landan and broke up our marriage. Which was embarrassing and painful. I looked around at my friends and couldn’t help but compare myself. What was I doing? I was cleaning up after a man only a few weeks older than me. Sitting around, alone, wondering how I got here. It was like everyone else moved forward and I was stuck.

Landan is superficial, selfish, and cruel. But, wait. Why am I faulting her? Is this on her? Has anyone else noticed that our comments are directed at the wife and the mistress. Where is the outrage at him?

Have you ever noticed that Grant is ignored in this?

We all know that burning a few of Grant’s possessions on our lawn was a bad look. I’m in no way trying to excuse that choice – it was an embarrassing moment of rage due to the betrayal I experienced. His betrayal pales in comparison to yours. You could have loved me unconditionally and supported my hopes for higher education. Instead, you are more concerned with how this reflected on you. So much so that you were willing to turn me in for public shaming. How would your daughter sitting in the stockyard to be humiliated again help anyway? What kind of parent wants to see their child punished for being hurt?

I used to think returning was impossible. The panic I fought while driving back for Stef’s party was huge. But then, I saw you at the proposal and you acted like I was invisible. Seeing you reopened so many old wounds. Worse, it reminded me of all the times I’ve felt like a child thinking ‘I want my mommy.’

Whether it was missing an opportunity to share something good or needing comfort, I still wanted some version of you. There is no comfort left between us though, and I hate that, but it’s the truth.

So, my cards are on the table: I’m not letting you keep me from the people who love me unconditionally.Stef & Lee, Delia, Nessa, Seth, and River are too important to me, I can’t let ghosts keep me from them.

Love, affection, and showing up are two way streets in any healthy relationship. You have always held me to conditional love, and so this is me saying goodbye. My friends, they’ve loved me unconditionally through those hard times and cheered for me as I’ve succeeded.

Goodbye, Mom. Goodbye, Dad. I appreciate that I exist, thank you for creating me. It's such a shame you can’t see the person I truly am. I’ll follow your lead and ignore you next time I’m in town.

The followingweek I read the entire thing to Dorothea to start my session.

“Very powerful, Lily. Do you believe you’ll be able to feel that way still when you go back. You mentioned before that you wonder if it’s the physical distance that gives you strength?”

My body stills, uncertainty floods me and I cannot answer. I try to calm myself enough to contemplate the chances. It feels like I can see scales with poker chips in my mind, one side has ‘you can do it’ and the other just someone laughing hysterically at me. Each thought I weigh adds another chip: with River, my friends, my new understanding of how my brain works I can do this. If I see Grant or Belinda I’ll crack, it doesn’t matter who is holding my hand. I failed. I didn’t fail, they failed me. I can’t decide so I admit it.

“Probably not, but I want to.” It comes out as barely a whisper. Dorothea nods and makes a note on her pad. We confirm our upcoming session, and the screen turns dark. Leaving me to wrestle with the mixed feelings and thoughts.

My phone rings with a video call from River, so I quickly swipe at my tears and try to put on a happy face. He is beaming when I pick up before he notices the red rims around my eyes and how I’m still lightly sniffling, and softens his voice significantly from the original greeting.

“Oh, Lily. Why are you upset?” I sniffle and he waits patiently, always so willing to let me feel out my words and figure them out while I think out loud.

“You caught me at the end of therapy, and thinking about what you told me…” I drift from my thoughts, wiping my eyes again.

“It’s total bullshit that I just had to disappear when Grant fucked up, not me.”

Two heavily emotional conversations in a row leaves me fatigued, so I’m not even sure what I say to River specifically, time just becomes fuzzy and unreal.

Before I know it he’s sharing with me, “Gemma and Alice Mills-Whitter are planning to renovate the back cottage. Don’t be alone, come here. You don’t have to miss things. You can have us.”

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