Page 55 of Flying

With a rueful smile I let her know, “You can pay me back. I know how.”

I walk her to Nessa and Delia’s place. The look from Nessa when she came down to help with the coffee made me suspicious but thankful. They’ll steer her back to me again and again. This is better than a kiss during truth or dare.

thirty-nine

Lily

Once I watch his jean-clad ass retreat down their front path I can’t hold back. “Pretty convenient that River was waiting for me.” My eyebrow tilts as Delia shuffles away.

Nessa smiles and shrugs. “Stef’s waiting for us. Let’s go.”

Following them into the kitchen, we gather around the familiar table Delia’s gran had here growing up. The square wood, the wicker woven backs and metal frames, everything about this moment could be a step into the past. The old ivy print border still frames the kitchen, peeling in a few places. The dark wood cabinets and faded white appliances are clean and well cared for but their age shows.

“The king has returned,” Nessa says in a deep voice.

Stef turns on “The Circle of Life” from her phone and I raise Pete in the air like the movie causing an outpouring of giggles.

“Yeah, yeah, getting out of the mountains was a little harder than expected, but I’m here.” I try for nonchalance.

“What did you do, use a covered wagon that Pete pulled? It took you nearly a full month to go from Denver to eastern Kansas. That’s barely an eight hour drive,” Delia glares.

I fidget and stare at my straw.

“I’ve been back for days, what the hell? You were supposed to help with coverage. River’s drowning because I took the class and you didn’t bother to be back in March like you promised.”

“I know,” I explode. The anger, the fear, the resentment, and the overwhelm of it all bubbles over. “And if you hate me, if he hates me, it’s earned. I tried, I swear. I left on time, I made it to Kansas and then I just was too scared. Okay? I have been afraid for years now.”

Arms folded over my chest, I hug myself knowing that the rejection I’ll get for this behavior is my own doing. I created this problem, I keep avoiding things, and trying to disappear. Mirroring my position, arms cross over chests around the table. I shrink further into myself, my knees raising and my arms pulling them in to hug myself.

“I’ve been trying to be a good friendandprotect myself. I’m really fucking scared. I should have told you all this sooner, but, after September I was having a really hard time. Like, as bad as when I first left.” My voice cracks.

Softest of us, Stef asks the question on everyone's mind, “Why didn’t you tell us? You’ve seen us since then.”

“Because I’m supposed to be independent, because I don’t need a husband or parents or anyone. I’ve got this. I can do it on my own! Except, I can’t, so I started with a new therapist.”

“Good,” Nessa interjects, staring hard into my face.

“We realized, um, we realized I have ADHD. So, sometimes it’s hard for me to get started. Sometimes, it’s hard to stop the feelings from being big—like when I just yelled—except then I feel foolish, and now I’m going to be afraid that will be all everyone remembers, my stupid outburst. Then I’ll shame spiral, and this all sounds like excuses.”

Nessa’s tone shifts to professional. “It sounds like you’ve figured out that you have emotional regulation skills to work on, and maybe some rejection sensitivity?” Her posture softens to match Stef.

Delia holds firm. “Yep, sounds like an excuse.”

Nessa interjects for me, “Not an excuse, it’s a really important explanation for a bunch of things we’ve seen for years. As soon as school ended, the lack of structure put Lily all over the place.” She gazes over at me.

“Take this with love, okay? I’m on your side, I swear. But, you were the all-star student, and then you sort of tripped your way through the last section of life. You set your own schedule and we know some things looked better from the outside than they werealong the way but we never called you on it. We know that what happened with your folks was hard—dare I say traumatic—and we never gave up on you. You are our sister.”Leave it to the girl with three siblings to get loving someone messy.

Stef reaches over and holds my hand with silent support. I’m nodding into my knees still unable to undo the tight ball I’ve wound myself into.

“That doesn’t change that you ditched River. I know he spent the last month extra stressed because he thought he would have help, and I know you care about that. Abouthim,” she pushes.

“I really do. It’s what scares me the most,” I whisper. Six eyes stare at me, waiting. A thick and heavy silence weighs on the room.

“Because of Grant. Do you remember Carlie, my ex-girlfriend? She didn’t want me seriously either. We played pretend. Acted like a couple until she left me for someone serious. After her, I stopped trying. I’ve had flings, and every one of them ends with them finding the person they want to be with forever right after me. That person is not me. It’s like, it’s like I help them realize what they want: someonelike me but not actually me. It’s because of…” Unwinding my hand from Stef’s and dropping my legs, I wave a hand around my tear-streaked face and crumpled outfit.

“Sweetheart, I think you have to be honest with yourself,” Stef says.

“Admit you want something to last is what the nice one means,” Delia adds brashly.

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