Page 75 of Flying

I’m waiting in deafening silence. So much so I fill the silence with the first words that come to mind, “I’m offering to take her place. Six hours accounting for time spent away from town, but, I’ll do it. Provided I get meals and bathroom breaks, so we can make this go away. I can’t make her forgive me, but I need to make this right. Punish me, not her.”

We’re in a staring contest. I’m smoothing the bottom of my black T-shirt over and over while my stomach knots and sinks. It takes everything in my power to stay put where I stand. The urge to pace the room as they have a silent conversation is growing nearly impossible to suppress. I can feel the sweat beginning to pour down my back, from my hands, my underarms, there is going to just be a puddle to mop up of the liquid formerly known as River soon.

Anna Lucia nibbles nervously on the hard edge of her cookie without dunking it this time, creating a sharp cracking and crunching in the room. The sound of water running through pipes and mechanical humming begins, signaling Sofia has started the washer.

This feels like an eternity. I attempt to wait, my impatience is growing more and more thin with each ticking second. In fact, the seconds are literally ticking. There’s not even music on in the background, it’s been replaced by the sound of the wall clock, Anna Lucia chewing, and the hissing noises of the appliances. It’s enough to drive a man insane.

Finally, she nods. Not even truly addressing me, Anna Lucia relents, “Fine, Ma, you win. Whatever you decide to do from here, I’ll back you to Jim and James. But you know that James Kelly is going to have a fuckin’ field day with all of this. He prides himself on being the first to know things, bringing this to him is going to mean I have tosit through another one of his long-winded diatribes. Which means you and Pop owe me a Sunday where you come to me for gravy.” She pushes her cup away, drops a napkin on the chair and storms up the steps.

With Anna Lucia gone, Ava Marie smirks with satisfaction, “We’ll be in touch with next steps River, pleasure as always doing business with the Hendrix family.”

For the third time today, I’m going to admit I cannot figure this one out alone and head back to my parents with my tail between my legs.

fifty

Lily

Sunday Evening

A vet techgreets me when I open the door, and I can see Jim at his desk through cutouts in the wall. I take a deep breath, “Can I get a few minutes with Mayor Kelly, please?”

The tech begins to protest, but I hear a woman’s voice cut in and request I join them. The tech says they’ll prepare Pete to come home, but there’s something about the uncomfortable pinch to her face.

Former Mayor James, Jim’s dad, and Ava Marie Salvatore are sitting in the guest chairs across from Jim. Well, this is a much larger audience than I wanted.There’s no running now,I remind myself.

Surprisingly polite, Jim pushes his desk chair back and comes to half stand in greeting. Clearing his throat, James rises and excuses himself, “I know, son, I will let you handle the town’s affairs as you see fit. Just be sure to follow the code and do not feel bad for being the voice of reason keeping us together.”

He doesn’t acknowledge Ava Marie or I, before stomping out of the office and nearly tripping over the lead the vet tech has Pete on. Good. What an asshole.

Pete starts to pull on the leash and brings himself over to mestretching forward and swaying his tail excitedly. I kneel and scratch at his head before taking the lead and turn back to the room.

“I hope he was good for you all this weekend,” I sheepishly say, before adding, “you know, for a stubborn shiba with a tendency to run away.” With a shrug and a small smirk I figure what the hell and add, “You know, like mother like son, which is what I wanted to discuss and I’m guessing with your dad and Ava Marie here, you do too, huh?”

Ava’s mouth twitches suppressing a smile before they both nod.

“Alright, here’s the deal.” I try to keep my confidence but I feel my legs shaking. “Can I—” I gesture towards the chair because I’m going to throw up or faint. “Can I sit, please? I can barely say this all.” They both nod.

I start by addressing the woman who has a hand in all town business, “Ava Marie, some of this is older than just the Grant stuff so I need a moment for just Jim here.”

It's clear that this deference is lost on her, but I turn anyway, “Jim, I’m sorry we called you a narc for so long. I just couldn’t believe you ratted me out when I tried to throw that one party. Do you know how much cajoling and begging it took from Stef and Nessa? The coordination between Stef and our moms to make that weekend a chance for us to have a sleepover while the parents were out of town together? We couldn’t understand the sabotage!”

I’m nervously playing with the lead as I try to make sure to be as sincere and kind as I can, “But, I just heard your dad as he left. I’m guessing you know what it’s like to be under pressure to be a perfect rule follower, too. Huh?”

The recognition in his eyes is a good sign.

“We’re pretty similar, you know. I was shoved away from my dream of going to college with my bestie and into a wedding gown. I ended up a stay at home wife in the wrong era. Outside of Carmine trying to teach me to cook, I was friendless.” I glance to Ava Marie, hoping to right that overdue acknowledgement. “I’ve wanted to thank him every time we’ve been at these events but I’ve been scared to approach him because then I’m approaching the whole family.” I gaze down at the floor, knowing that it doesn’t make it okay. “Please, lethim know I’ve always been very appreciative of his kindness. I still suck at cooking.” I laugh.

“Anyhow, that’s not important. Know what really burned? Not the stupid hockey things, but the fact that I felt like everyone turned on me. It didn’t matter that I was cheated on and humiliated, I was somehow the problematic one which is why I left, and that first Christmas I called home, because I wanted to be with my family, they made it clear they didn’t want to hear from me.”

My hands are shaking, my voice is breaking but I continue, “This weekend was a reminder of all the reasons being isolated has been a ginormous punishment for me. Worse, there were people who knew beforehand and let Grant show up to the wedding and marry me. He should have never ever gone through with it. His behavior being unpunished is truly the most,” I unfurl my palm looking at the words Delia wrote in sharpie on it, “the most patriarchal, misogynistic, and predictable behavior despite being seen as a liberal and progressive place.”

I feel the tears coming slow and hot, and I can’t be tough much longer, so I just accept this is my fate. I feel Pete scoot back towards my legs and press against me in a sign that he’s here.

Without realizing it I start to make my thoughts audible to the room, “Thinking back over the last eight or nine months, I realize while the girls said it today… River showed me this. I’m doing this for him too. I meant it when I said I love him, he meant it when he said he loved me. He just… messed up by not telling me. I know I can bend and not break, I can be soft and strong at the same time. Oh shit, that was out loud.” I look at them wide eyed. “I mean, I’m going to get this over with. But, can we skip the festival adjacent, fanfare to get it over with quietly? Consider a shorter amount of time since I was away for so long? And, I won’t do it without meals and bathroom breaks.”

Peering up at the wall above Jim’s head I see the photos along the muted yellow-beige wall behind his desk. There’s the standard diploma photo, flanked on each side by a proud parent, then there’s his wedding a few years ago, and his firstborn. His vacations with family. A typical dude-bro photo holding a giant fish in the air, hisbuddies cheersing beers in the distance. This is not a teen but this man at thirty is also not exactly the most sympathetic figure either.

I’m not exactly sure the feminist rant I included is going to curry my favor, but what can I do? I just have to wait.

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