Page 42 of Fighting

It’s too quiet, so I connect my phone to a speaker and pull up Nessa’s latest podcast episode. The sound of her voice makes me feel like we’re together.

“Welcome to Flicking the Bean with Rabin,”she says after the intro music,“where we dive into the relationships women have with sex and themselves. I’m Doctor Nessa Rabin, and as always, this podcast contains explicit content not intended for anyone under eighteen. So, if you’re listening to this and not a legal adult, please hit Pause and come back in the future. Thanks!

“Now that we’ve gotten that part out of the way, today’s topic was sent in by listener ‘Diamonds and Dildos.’ Awesome. Let’s dive in!”

While she talks, I grab the little mouse toys and the laser pointer off my desk and open the cat apartments. The kittens tentatively step onto the tower I’ve added for them to climb andscratch, then one by one, they leap down and explore. In the background, Nessa continues to speak to her listeners.

“Hey Dr. Nessa! Thanks for taking the time to read my note.”

“Aw, of course, dear.”

“I’m a longtime listener and a first-time writer. I’m recently engaged to the love of my life, and a few weeks ago, we moved in together.

“I was unpacking and he opened the box I’d packed my toy collection in, thinking it was something else. He’d never seen them before. I should probably mention we come from pretty conservative families, so some in our circle consider this a taboo subject. One thing led to another, and we had a huge fight where he insisted I throw them all away. If you ask me, he just feels threatened.”

“What do you think, kitten? I can guarantee Nessa’s got great advice for her,” I say, scratching the soft fur of the orange and cream cat who’s rubbing against my thigh.

Her reader continues.“When I refused, he argued that I now have ‘unlimited access’ to him. I hoped to defuse with humor, joking about his inability to vibrate, but all that did was make things worse. I want to have a mature conversation about this. Help!”

“Aw, D&D, I’m sorry. This sounds like a terrible way to spend your first night cohabitating. Fortunately, you aren’t the first to go through this.

“Also, let me say—congratulations. I’m so glad you’ve found someone you’d like to spend your life with. Moving in together is a big step.

“Before we try to decode someone else’s feelings, let’s dig into your own. Is there a reason you kept your solo session supports from your partner? Can you examine that to start?”

Gently, I lift the kittens one at a time, nuzzling little kisses to their heads, then return them to their homes.

“Fresh water and kibble coming up,” I say.

They meow in understanding.

“Perhaps you were aware he’d react this way,”Nessa says,“given your background. Perhaps you were afraid for another reason. Either way, it seems like explaining your reasoning could help you meet your fiancé with vulnerability instead of combativeness.”

I bark out a laugh. Nessa, queen of combative, is doling out advice on vulnerability?Okay.

“Next, while it doesn’t mean you have to accept them, I suggest providing him with the courtesy of discussing his boundaries. But as a reminder, his boundaries aren’t allowed to include shame or restriction on your alone time.

“As for fights—nobody likes to fight with their partner. That’s obvious. But it’s important to discuss how we ‘fight’ or disagree. How we handle difficult conversations. They’re an inevitable part of life. It sounds like while you wanted to defuse with humor, he was prepared to be direct, and potentially even combative. Have you had big fights before this? How did each of your families handle disagreements when you were children? Like it or not, that is the style of conflict management you are potentially still the most comfortable with.”

That shuts down my laughter. There was little fighting within our house, but now I’m combing my memories to reflect on how each of my family members behaved.

“Deflection with jokes, dismissing the other person’s feelings, or neglecting to meet their needs and our own can all create a recipe for a person to be left feeling unhappy in the relationship. To have a successful partnership, you must work together to foster safety. Don’t worry if you’re imperfect at itnow. The goal is to learn and grow together. Let’s get you prepared to be a Dutchess of Dialogue?—”

I tap the pause button on my phone screen. Dutchess of Dialogue? That would be a hilarious contact card change, but Ivy is personal. So instead, I push Play.

“—in your own life. I want you to do a little exercise. Grab a pen and paper now, and when this episode is over, leave all your devices in another room. Then take a few minutes to yourself—maybe outside if the weather is nice—and free write answers to these questions.”

I lower the volume as she moves into specifics for the letter writer and lift the first bunny from its crate. “Seriously, this chick,” I murmur. “She’s saying this all with a straight face when she’s just as bad.”

Stroking the little critter’s long, soft ears, I reflect on these last few months. Have I been honest with everyone? What do I need to ask for? What do I want?

I’m certain about one thing I want—I want to impress Nessa. But none of my usual tactics are working. I pause the podcast again, then send a FaceTime request to my sister. Propping the phone against the wall, I sit back down to supervise the bunnies while they hop around.

“Hey, Matty. What’s up?” she says, the screen dark like she tappedAudio Only.

“Stef! Look at these cotton balls. I need to make sure they all find a home.”

“Um, okay?” Her voice is raspy, like maybe I woke her up.

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