Page 33 of Sinful Restraint

“He’s okay,” Titan whispered. “He’s just lost in the kill.”

“You can go to him if you want,” Storm encouraged. “You’re his calm.”

His calm? Am I really?The notion that I wanted to be whatever he needed is what compelled me to move.

I dropped to my knees beside him, my hands closing over his that were slick with blood. “He’s dead, Cruz,” I whispered, my voice shaking. “It’s over.”

For a moment, he just stared at me. And then, his bloodstained fingers curled around my wrists and pulled me to him. Seconds later, Titan and Storm were ushering us through the door and into Titan’s vehicle that was parked down the street.

It took a while for Cruz to talk, but hearing the sirens as they passed us to head to the gym snapped him out of it.

“We almost lost you,” he rasped.

“You didn’t,” I told him, cupping his face and beard. “None of you did. I’m still here.”You didn’t lose me like we lost Rev.I didn’t say it, but I felt like he saw the sentiment in my eyes.

A strangled sound left him that was half growling, half groaning as he leaned down, his lips crashing into mine. Unlike our kisses before, the desperation in this one wasn’t one of passion, but of fear of losing me.

I leaned my forehead to his when we broke the kiss, my eyes wandering to the front seats where Storm had lowered his visor and was lookin’ at me just as attentively, and Titan’s piercing stare was more on me in the rearview mirror than it was on the road.

I scared them all.They cared about me that much, that tonight had rocked their foundation.

I understood the feeling.

I felt that way about them, too.

But also, I didn’t want to tell them what my heart was still trying to come to grips about. The day had started full of excitement for me and had ended with me being more terrified than I had in my entire life.

When we got home, I hugged them all and thanked them for being by my side today before I rushed upstairs, opting to use the bathroom in my ensuite than the one I had been using downstairs.

Only then did I let the tears fall down my cheeks, my mind all over the place while I tried to come to terms with the fact that I had been involved in a full-blown shootout. I kept my wails as silent as possible, hoping that the water drowned out the noise.

Yet, for the first time upon arriving here, I was truly afraid. Not only for their safety, but for my own.

I knew they would do everything in their power to keep me safe, but hadn’t Rev thought he’d make it home that day, too? I knew what kind of man Cruz was. You couldn’t do what he did every day and not make peace with the fact that one day may be your last.

Because while they were shooting at those masked men, I was hoping they killed each and every one for daring to shoot at us first.

And if my first instinct was to kill, and with every man down on their side, I inwardly rejoiced, then what did that say about me? In my mind, there was the Santari I always thought I was, and the Santari I was morphing into with each day that I stayed in this house.

It was up to me to decide which version of myself I wanted to be. I only wished Rev was here for me to talk it out with.

chapter twelve

The walls felt too fuckingclose, and it wasn’t because of the plants. Sitting on the edge of my bed with my elbows braced on my knees, I stared at my bruised knuckles like they held answers I’d never get.

Even after a shower and bourbon on the rocks, I still hadn’t shaken off the day.I’ve been too distracted.I was never careless with security, but now that I was a partner in the gym, I should have insisted on more manpower like my Club Fetish locations had. Between developing feelings for Ri and trying to find Rev’s killer, my mind had been all over the place.

It’s the same goddamn crew from Tennessee.When Santari escaped to her room when we got home, Titan, Storm, and I exchanged notes on what we noticed during the shootout. Those muthafuckas were wearing the same dark green that those bastards wore on the mountain when Rev was killed. I had even called my brother Sinceer to make sure that scumbag, Ralph Little, hadn’t had any scorned family to avenge his death. He didn’t, so that brought us back to what we suspected.

My clubs were always poppin’ and swarming with too many witnesses had they tried something at one of my locations. Therefore, they targeted the gym because they were tryin’ to take me out. And if they knew to find me there, then as much as I didn’t even want to think it, all roads led back to Baarbie … my brother and the man who I hadn’t been able to track down ever since we let him go after we killed Calvin.

Junkies didn’t just disappear.

Unless they were more alert than they put on.

When Mekhi sent us photos of the men we killed, we went through each one of them on a preliminary search to see if anyone looked familiar before we dug into them more. As suspected, I knew a few of those dark green muthafuckas … and so did Baarbie. In fact, a couple of them had been his boys back in the day.

I released a frustrated exhale, my mind cluttered. For tonight at least, the fight was over. But in my mind, it was a war zone. Sleep wouldn’t come. Not after a day like this, and definitely not after the look of fear on Ri’s face and the anguish in her voice that would hunt me for years to come.

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