Page 203 of Sins & Secrets

“You don’t have to tell me anything. I just want you to know that you can be not okay around me. I get it. Some days I’m not the best, and it’s nice to just go out and get a chai … and a muffin.”

“Like today?” I ask him.

“Yeah, like today.”

“I have a hard time getting a read on you, Jake,” I tell him.

“What do you want to know?” he asks me.

“What do you want from me?” I ask him then immediately regret the blunt question. It’s rude and risks losing him and the only distraction I really have.

“Just company, until you want more,” he says with his dark green, hazel eyes staring straight into mine as they heat.

“I don’t know that I’ll want more, though.”

“I think you lie, Kat. I think you already know you want more.”

“It’s only because I’m lonely.” The words slip out and I hate that they’re true, but a weight is lifted with my confession. I expect Jake to react negatively. Maybe to be angry or offended, but instead, he nods his head.

“Yeah, I know. I am too.”

“Sometimes I do stupid, reckless things when I’m lonely.”

“Well, if you ever want to be lonely together, I’m free.”

I should feel guilty about how Jake makes me feel.

Wanted, appreciated, like he doesn’t want to lose me.

It’s foolish to entertain what’s between us. But I feel so rejected. My husband doesn’t want me and yet Jake does. Even if it’s only because I’m the only person in the entire state who he knows.

We can be just friends.

At least I can pretend we can, for a little while. Or what did Evan call it?A short while.

Diary Entry Two

Hey Mom,

I havea secret to tell you. Do you remember how I told you about Markie in middle school? He’s the one who was in Mrs. Schaffer’s math class. He had a crush on me and passed me that note. It wasn’t important really and I doubt you remember. But I had this feeling back then and I kind of have it now.

It’s weird and it’s mixed with all sorts of other things.

Obviously, I shouldn’t see him, and I shouldn’t even be considering talking to this guy, but I’ve been crying almost every night for so long. I started playing sad movies on the television at night, so I could blame it on that. I know I’m lying, but I’m so tired of crying.

I’m exhausted, Mom, and this guy gives me something else to think about.

It’s wrong, isn’t it?

I don’t even have to ask you to know that it is.

I’m using this man, and I’m still married to Evan. My heart is still waiting for him, even though he’s given me every reason to stay away from him for good.

Maybe I’m a bad person. Maybe I deserve all this.

I don’t know. Could you tell me, please? You used to give me little signs. I know they were from you. I could use one now.

I don’t know what’s going to happen and I’m really tired. I’m ready for change and some sanity. The exhaustion is probably from a mix of what’s going on with Evan and the pregnancy.

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