Page 78 of Sins & Secrets

“Is that what you want?”

“You won’t let me leave,” is the only answer she gives me.

“That doesn’t answer my question.” My heart pounds in protest at the question: Would she really rather die than love me again?

Jules looks away, turning her head to the side even as I grip her nape tighter. I pull back slightly, forcing her to look at me.

“That would make it easy for you, wouldn’t it?” I ask, hearing my own voice crack. I nip her earlobe with my teeth and wait a moment for her to answer, but all I can hear is the combined sound of our heavy breathing. “It would be so easy to hate me if I were the monster you want to believe I am.” I struggle with how true my words are. “If I wasn’t the man you fell in love with, but I am.”

I kiss the side of her neck, my fingers trailing along her skin and pulling her sleep shirt up slowly. My body’s so close to hers but I don’t touch her, because I want her to feel my absence. I want her to crave how I make her feel.

I trail the words down her neck, whispering against her skin. “All I want is for you to remember how much I love you and how much you love me.”

I want her to beg for my touch again, just like she did when we first met. I know she will. She needs me just as much as I need her. “Give me one month.” I speak without thinking, desperate for a change between us. “One month of just pretending. Of trying to forget or forgive and going back to what we once had.”

She peers up at me with a brightness in her eyes, but they narrow with distrust. I add, “If you hate me still at the end of the month, I’ll let you go.” I can barely speak the pained words, but I push out the offering.

My heart beats hard in my chest, knowing it’s a lie. But it’s something she can hold on to. It’s a deal with the devil for her, and I’m sure she knows it.

She doesn’t reply, and I couldn’t give a fuck so long as tomorrow things have changed for us.

My strides are heavy as I leave her to grab the ring from where it lays, once again on the floor. She stares at it rather thanat me when I take her hand. “I’m the same man I was when I first put this ring on your finger.” I slide the diamond on her ring finger and hold it there, waiting for her eyes to reach mine.

I lean in and breathe in her scent, closing my eyes and forcing myself to let go of her. “Don’t take it off, Jules. That ring will stay on your finger.” I watch as her eyes close and her chest rises. “I’ll make sure of it.”

JULES

The mind plays tricks,

It likes to deceive.

What once brought you joy,

Will now make you grieve.

What to think, what to do,

When there’s no easy way out.

When your heart’s torn and broken,

And all you know is doubt.

Iwish a hot shower could wash it all away. As if the steam and heat could cleanse the burden of knowing what Mason did nearly a year ago. So long ago, when we were both two different people. When we were both strangers to each other.

I don’t know what to think, and I don’t know how to react or which emotion is coming through the strongest. It makes me feel crazy. It’s like the sway of the ocean. As soon as one wave comesand crashes over me, another is already waiting to drown me. It’s making me weak.

It’s late, but I don’t want to sleep.

I move to my dresser and sift through the nightgowns mindlessly, remembering how even last night, I questioned if I should refuse him. When Mason laid his arm across my belly, turning on his side to be closer to me, I hesitated before asking him to move and let me be like I have been. It comes down to one truth: I wanted him to take the pain away. The pain he caused. Only him. He’s responsible for it all.Just the same, only he could take it away.

Glancing down in the drawer I trail my fingers across a nightgown; it’s all silk and fine lace. Tempting, luxurious and expensive. I bought new lingerie a few weeks back, for Mason of course. The shine of the navy blue silk catches my eye, but I can’t bring myself to pick it up.

I don’t want to tempt him anymore. I don’t want to try to look beautiful for him. My heart aches with a pain that feels as if it will strangle the life from me. I wish Mason were done with me, because I already feel myself needing his touch again.

It makes me feel pathetic, but what choice do I have? I have no one and nothing, and I’ve been forced into a corner I can’t escape.

I shut my mouth tightly, gritting my teeth as I ball up the silk gown’s matching thong in my hand and slam the drawer closed.

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