Page 15 of Vanish

I hesitated before an intangible, burrowed desire compelled me to reach out, pausing inches away from his hand. He waited patiently as I summoned my courage; after a moment he inched slightly closer, making it easier for me to bridge the last of our distance to rest my hand over his.

My breath hooked. My invisible body prevented me from feeling his inviting warmth or the roughness of his palms calloused from sword training, yet something tingled in the spaces separating us, creating the shadow of an impression that we were touching.

He closed his eyes, as if savoring the sensation we both imagined passed between us. I could almost feel his featherlight touch stroking my palm as his fingers curled around the outline of my hand, instinctively tightening his grip even though there was nothing to hold.

The shadow of a smile grazed his lips, such a contrast to his usual serious countenance. “This time nothing will compel me to let go of you.”

His words attacked my heart anew with additional foreign emotions that I wasn’t sure how to process. Despite my whirling thoughts, I made little progress as we resumed our walk and finally left the tower. I had no destination in mind, but Lucien led me purposefully outside. Reverence filled his expression as he took in the royal grounds cast in a sheen of golden morning.

“When you disappeared, I looked for you in locations that harbored a lot of memories for us and this was one of the first places I searched. We’ve spent a lot of time here.”

Familiarity filled the surrounding beauty as I took in the ornate hedges and blossoming flowers, pausing on a bench beneath the shade of a blossoming wisteria. Hope lit his eyes as he followed my gaze, dispelling his cloud of discouragement.

“That location bears the most significance; we sat there together often. Perhaps the best way to help you recall our courtship is to start from the beginning.”

We settled awkwardly side by side, not intimately close like a couple might sit but with considerable distance between us, despite my invisible state making it impossible for our proximity to cause us to accidentally brush against one another. Even with his determination to resume our courtship, silence once more reigned, broken only by the frequent shy and uncertain sideways glances we cast one another before hastily looking away.

This awkwardness felt more familiar than the lost conversations we struggled to recapture. Emotions rose above my forgotten fog—the unpleasant quiet that permeated my obsessive wondering what I could possibly say to him, my worries that our silence would stretch even into our marriage, our distance seeming like a chasm too wide to ever cross. Even if we managed to find both words and the courage to voice them, our topics were limited to small talk, empty platitudes concerning one another’s health, and the weather. These forced inquiries only drew us further apart rather than closer, leaving me with an inescapable sense of hopelessness.

Lucien cleared his throat, a sound that abruptly brought me back to the present. Whatever wisp of recollection had drifted through my mind immediately vanished, as if carried away by a passing breeze. “How are you feeling?”

Though I’d just remembered other moments when he’d sought after my wellbeing as a replacement for deeper, more meaningful conversation, something about his tone now seemed softer, more sincere, than all the previous times. I searched the concern filling his eyes before shyness drew my gaze back to my lap. “I’m fine.”

“Are you hungry?”

I shook my head. “Nor am I tired. My physical needs seem to have vanished along with my body.” The same couldn’t be said for him—dark shadows hovered beneath his eyes, more visible in the daylight than I’d been able to discern in the dim corridors. “Did you really stay up all night searching for me?”

Even with the evidence before me, such effort seemed far too great a sacrifice for someone like me. I didn’t require my lost memories to know that no one had ever gone to such lengths for me. My heart stirred, almost overwhelmed by the emotion enfolding it as he gazed at me earnestly, all trace of indifference absent from his face.

I didn’t speak my confusion out loud, but he was too attuned not to notice my doubt. ““Of course I did; I was afraid I’d lose you.” He made to say more, only to hesitate. “When we were atop the tower I couldn’t help but wonder…are you alright? I’m not referring to the curse.”

My heart lurched and for a moment I could only stare through the tears burning my eyes, unable to speak.No one has ever genuinely asked after me. The feeling seemed a part of me separate from my inaccessible past. I yearned to finally unlock the prison where I’d been storing all my hurt and burdens, exhausted by the years of serving as their sole warden.

“Lisette?”

I tried to push through the barrier shyness had created to return to the point our past courtship had reached where it no longer existed between us. If I had found refuge in Lucien, the last thing I wanted was to hurt the sole man I’d been able to depend on.

But as I prepared to share the hazy memories that were more emotion than actual event, the words refused to form on my tongue. I opened my mouth and then slowly closed it with a sigh; though I knew I needed to do my part to mend our forgotten relationship, I wasn’t quite ready to piece together the shadows haunting my past.

“I’m sorry, I’m not ready to share it.” I wasn’t sure I even remembered enough to fully confide in him; all I possessed was an aching loneliness and deep hurt that had woven through my life over the years to become an intricate part of me.

His shoulders slumped, but midst disappointment he remained understanding. “I’m here whenever you want to talk; I don’t want you to be alone.”

The sentiment broke down some of the stubborn walls surrounding my heart, allowing just enough light to penetrate and illuminate some of the shadows hidden there in order to kindle my need to be closer to him, though I couldn’t bring myself to shift towards him.

He seemed to sense this desire and scooted closer, as if the threads from our conversation were naturally drawing us together. Though I experienced an overwhelming desire to lean towards him, fear held firm, forcing me to withdraw. He flinched as if I’d struck him and I hastily gave the first excuse to come to mind.

“Forgive me, I’m just worried. What if our proximity causes you to catch the curse?”

Though it was a legitimate concern, it wasn’t the reason for my distance, nor could I deny that we’d already been much closer than this without the curse transmitting. I hated myself for the lie, a reciprocation he didn’t deserve for his efforts to rekindle what we’d lost. It wasn’t until this moment that I realized that for all my longings to have a relationship, the unfamiliarity brought by the unknown left me uncertain.

“The curse…” His mouth twisted around the word. “I wish I could assure you that your concern isn’t a barrier worth bothering ourselves over, but in truth should I catch it I won’t be able to help you…even as the situation is too dire for me to stay away. I may not be able to relieve you of the burden you’re still unable to confide in me about, but I can at least do my part to help you.”

Helplessness filled his unwavering gaze, but sincerity alone wouldn’t be enough to illuminate our path forward, especially when the curse had been raging across Brimoire for years, gradually worsening despite his earnest efforts.

Yet for all my doubt, I desperately wanted to believe in him, to regain the relationship we had lost. “Can you really help me?”

“I promised I would. While my information about the curse is limited, your reappearance has brought additional understanding that I hope will provide new possibilities I haven’t yet researched.”

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