Page 24 of Vanish

“I should have realized when the King of Thorndale remained insistent on sending you into this cursed land despite our repeated warnings concerning the danger, treating you as nothing more than a sacrifice on an altar for his ambitions.” His fists clenched. “I’m ashamed I failed to realize why you never spoke of your home life, nor recognized the walls you’d built for your protection. If I’d been less consumed with my own worries and more vigilant in getting to know you—”

I eyed his defensive stance in surprise, my heart swelling at his protectiveness. I’d expected my vulnerability would leave me exposed and my heart susceptible to further pain, but instead the burden I’d grown accustomed to felt lighter, even though nothing had changed.

Though he didn’t seem to harbor any blame towards me, he couldn’t mask the hurt I sensed was not only on my behalf but his own. “Why didn’t you tell me?” Emotion wrenched his voice, causing my heart to waver.

It wasn’t until this moment that I first considered that my carefully constructed walls could harm anyone other than myself. “Because I thought that if you knew, you would have less reason to care for me. If my own father doesn’t love me, then what reason would you—” I couldn’t finish.

His rested a hand over my formless one, a touch I longed to feel above all the others he’d tried to give me since our reunion. “I have infinite reasons to care for you, but they are meaningless if you don’t see them for yourself. I hope that by courting you again, we can not only recapture what we’ve lost, but create something new and beautiful for you to believe in.”

My heart pounded wildly. Even without the feel of his palm against my hand, his earnest gaze possessed a touch of its own, reaching out to caress the heart I often feared had become dormant after my family’s continual indifference had caused me to lock it away. I’d always dreamt of the day I could find someone to entrust with the key; perhaps its destined keeper had been him this entire time.

“It’s not too late?” Tears my bodiless form made impossible to shed clogged my weak voice.

He shook his head. “Though there is much about the vanishing curse I still don’t quite understand, one thing I’m certain of: no matter its power, love is a force it cannot permanently take away.” He reached out to run his fingers against my cheek, another sensation I couldn’t feel for myself but which seemed to further stir my heart. “Even if you don’t care for me in this moment, there is no other word to describe my feelings for you other than love.”

I found myself immersed in his deep grey gaze, filled with a tenderness that I’d never expected to be directed towards me, allowing me for at least this moment to experience this elusive yet beautiful emotion. “How could I have taken something so precious that you’d entrusted to me and lost it? Perhaps that’s why our courtship memories are hidden away—my inexperience in any form of love left me unable to properly safeguard it.”

“No matter how many times it seems lost or forgotten, love can always be rediscovered. Thus I will never cease in my efforts to court you.” A strange expression crossed his face—a tinge of regret and apprehension, as though he feared what might happen through his efforts—but it faded as he leaned closer to tenderly wrap his hands around my incorporeal ones.

I wanted to lose myself in the security brought by his enfolding words, but the memories struggling to emerge ravaged my mind with dark splotches that tainted the joy created by his presence that had cast away some of my hidden shadows. All my repeated, though weak, attempts to secure his heart had instead been met with an indifference—similar to Father’s hardened countenance—that seemed a permanent part of his features whenever circumstances forced him to interact with me.

I couldn’t reconcile Lucien’s previous seemingly unfeeling behavior with his current tender sentiments, even as I couldn’t deny his current sincerity—I had gone too long without it not to recognize this single shaft of light in my usual darkness.

“Even if I don’t remember what transpired between us before, I’m certain that the man standing before me now deserves more than a woman who doesn’t know what it means to love.” My capacity for affection had slowly withered after years of drought within Father’s court, leaving nothing but an empty well to draw from…a well I feared had permanently run dry.

Rather than waver in his desires, he closed the distance fear had caused me to create despite the wish of my heart longing to bridge the space between us until none remained. “Love is something meant to be discovered together. Isn’t that what a courtship is about?”

I shrugged. “I have no way of knowing, though I want to understand it more than anything else.”

Gentleness filled his smile. “Perhaps that’s what keeps you here…unless there’s something else?”

It was a question I’d continuously asked myself ever since emerging from the force threatening to erase me. Though purpose felt as elusive as my vanished body, I couldn’t imagine there was any other magic strong enough to keep me tethered here, even if I didn’t understand the unspoken wishes hiding within my heart.

I sighed. “Whatever my initial forgotten reason, it seems too late to try and find one when I’m constantly on the brink of disappearing.”

“So long as you haven’t completely vanished, it’s never too late to choose for yourself the life you want.”

His words strengthened the purpose tugging on my heart, a feeling that midst my foggy recollections I was certain was new and unfamiliar, even as it was one I yearned to become intimate with—not just for the sake of finding a reason not to vanish, but for my own fulfillment.

As we stood together atop the turret, one wish rose above the others beckoning me, growing stronger the longer I spent with him. “I want to create purpose with you—to not only remember our old relationship, but to forge a new one as well as a new life for myself after finally putting my old one behind me.” The task felt utterly daunting, but his support made the impossible seem within reach.

Though he smiled, it was wistful. “While my feelings for you are constant and I would love nothing more than to forge the path that will allow me to spend the rest of my life with you, you were originally coerced into our relationship by someone without your best interests in mind. I have done little since our arrangement to deserve your regard, let alone your heart. Are you certain this is what you truly want?”

His worries gave my intangible memories of a man who seemed more disinterested than passionately in love more form; they relentlessly attacked my resolve. One in particular rose in painful detail, wisps of recollection from one of the visits Father and I had made to Brimoire.

His Majesty had spent the entire carriage ride reminding me of his expectations and warning me of the dire consequences that would befall me should I make any mistakes, concluding his lecture with the firm admonition: “Ensure you prove to him that you’re worthy of being a queen…if you’re even capable of such a thing.”

I’d stepped out of the carriage blinking back tears, but when I reached the top of the palace steps where my fiancé courteously waited, an errant tear escaped, sliding down my cheek. Lucien’s eyes had widened, but though he clearly noted my distress his expression hastily returned to its typical polite, emotionless state without so much a word of concern. Instead he murmured a typical greeting and directed a maid to lead me to my room, where I carefully dabbed away any trace of tears. Neither of us mentioned the occasion again.

I had no answer for why the man who professed he loved me would ignore my misery, but for the time being I’d decided to trust Lucien. With considerable effort I managed to push my doubts away.

Whatever these recollections, they were part of a past that had brought me enough pain I’d seen no need to safeguard those memories from the curse’s erasing influence. But I was tired of being bound by the shackles of insecurity continuously holding me back; so long as I hadn’t ceased to exist, I wanted to finally move forward.

I flipped my hand over beneath his still draped over mine. Though my formless body still made true touch between us impossible, I could almost feel him as I curled my fingers around his. “My decision remains: I want to try our courtship again.”

Light shone in his eyes, a warm glow that enfolded my heart and created another thread that pulled me further from the vanishing curse’s reach.

Even with the beautiful possibilities created by this new promise, I briefly sensed a shadow curl its tendrils around the tender moment—an invisible but heated disapproval coming from somewhere nearby that made me fear I’d chosen the wrong course.

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