Page 35 of Vanish

Through concentrated focus I felt my lightened body grow heavier, the wooden seat beneath me more solid, and the shadow of the coarse rope against my clenched palms. But though I’d obtained some feeling, try as I might I still couldn’t feel Lucien’s touch against mine.

The swing swayed gently as he prepared to push. “I won’t push you very high.” Whether past experience had taught him this preference or he could easily deduce it through my reserved personality didn’t matter in the face of his consideration.

I normally would have responded with a nod, but in this moment I felt daring. “You can push me as high as you wish.”

He paused. “Are you certain?”

I nodded and tightened my grip. I knew it likely wouldn’t hurt if I fell off the swing; the only fall I feared was to a place too far from Lucien’s heart for me to reach. Even without being able to physically feel him, I sensed his presence against my back, a warmth I wanted nothing more than to lean against, trusting myself to him.

I tried to quell the sudden rush of nerves knotting my stomach. As if sensing them, he rested his hands over mine. “I will never let anything happen to you.” He gave them a reassuring squeeze, a movement I could almost feel. “Now get ready to fly.”

My breath caught as Lucien pulled the swing back and released. A fluttery sensation filled my stomach as the swing swung forward, a soaring sensation that only grew as the swing flew steadily higher. Gradually, my white-knuckled grip loosened as I relaxed and a smile tugged on my lips, one whose presence felt as precious as this moment between us.

Time lost all meaning as I swayed gently back and forth. Lucien eventually broke the reverent stillness. “Do you remember why your childhood swing was so special to you?”

To my surprise, the memory that had once felt so far away was now within reach for me to reexamine, allowing me to fill in the details that had been elusive before. “It offered me an escape, making me feel that just for a moment I could leave my life behind to experience a freedom that often felt elusive. It was the one time I felt in control of my own life, even if it was just an illusion.”

“I understand the need to escape. Next time we’re both tempted to run, perhaps instead of facing uncertainty alone and without any clear direction of where to find solace, we can instead discover it together.” His words held a promise that for all the confusion still muddling our past felt as real as the rare glimmer of happiness cradling this moment.

I tipped my head back to take in not the leafy canopy whose colors blurred with the swing’s movement but the softness filling his eyes as his gaze seeped into mine. “Are you asking me to become your refuge?”

“Only if you wish it, but regardless I’m offering to be yours.”

His words enfolded my heart, causing it to expand. Closing my eyes, I relished the sensation of the breeze against my face as I swung. An impulsive thought filled my mind, and though I never would have dreamed of doing something so impulsive in the past, the freedom I’d experienced in my new state combined with the delight in our current closeness inspired me to let go of the thick ropes at the peak of my arc.

I heard Lucien gasp but simply smiled as I allowed myself to float gently downward, landing softly in his arms. I looked up into his startled face, watching as his expression changed from surprised concern to a warmer, deeper emotion. For a beautiful moment we held our glance—seeming to communicate without words—before Lucien gently set me on my feet, allowing his hand to linger against my back as though to steady me.

“Did you lose your grip due to your transparency?” he asked.

I shook my head. “No, I intentionally let go; I knew I couldn’t be hurt, and I believed that you would catch me. I know I have much to relearn about you, but one thing I’ve noticed so far is that I can always trust you to be there when I need you.”

Lucien opened his mouth and then swallowed, as though too overcome to immediately speak. After clearing his throat, he spoke in a low voice. “Showing such implicit trust is one of the greatest honors you can give me…a trust I fear I ill deserve. But I promise to prove myself daily, to never give you reason to lose your faith in me.”

Wrapped in the glow of our encounter—the first time in our new courtship that we had simply enjoyed each other’s company without strained conversations or discussing the curse—we strolled slowly back towards the palace. This precious joy caused this new memory to merge with the incomplete, forgotten recollection about our past moments swinging together that I’d struggled to retrieve earlier. It no longer mattered whether the moment he’d spoken of had actually occurred, not when we now had this first jewel of what I hoped would soon be many in my treasure trove of romantic moments together.

CHAPTER16

Despite the long hours he’d dedicated to his duties, the piles of documents surrounding Lucien showed no sign of shrinking. With each passing hour his exhaustion deepened, yet he pressed forward with no sign of wavering in the tedious responsibilities that consumed him.

I worriedly eyed the dark circles beneath his eyes, guilt twinging my breast at the knowledge that they hadn’t been the sole result of overwork. I’d spent another night in his room, but unlike the first he hadn’t immediately fallen asleep. Instead we’d stayed up for several hours talking—me floating atop his bed, him propped up on his elbow on the floor—a continuation of the closeness we’d attempted to bridge during our time together in the garden.

At first my shyness had left me uncertain what to talk about, but as the conversation lengthened, topics to discuss came more easily and the reservation that usually held me captive gradually faded—unlike with my memories, I wasn’t unhappy to see it vanish.

Looking back over the conversation whose measurement had stretched across the majority of the night, I was unable to recall everything we’d talked about; each subject acted as a single star that together created a beautiful constellation on the velvety night.

A few memories glistened more brightly than the rest of the starry tapestry carefully woven from our time together: shy confessions, words of encouragement that fed my heart starved since childhood, and the sweetest declarations of caring. I cherished these moments as the precious jewels they were…until Aira’s arrival after Lucien had finally fallen asleep attempted to tarnish them.

The exchange had helped me expand my patchwork of memories. Though I still couldn’t recall details of my courtship or the purpose I wanted to create with him, emotions filled in the blank spaces—sadness, fear, discouragement, loneliness…and most of all my soul-deep longings for affection. Only during my time with Lucien had I finally found where I belonged, a refuge I refused to lose to Aira’s doubts or the curse that consumed my memories.

I’d had many questions concerning the unseen place she went whenever she wasn’t interacting with me, but her onslaught of accusations against Lucien had given me no time to ask them. After she’d spent the precious few minutes she possessed imparting her usual doubts and warnings, she’d departed, leaving only uncertainty in her wake.

Beyond the obstacle she tried to wedge between me and Lucien, the longer I spent with my handmaiden, the fainter the curtain blocking my awareness to the world that lay beyond my sight became. Though I couldn’t detect any of the residents of the unseen land the way I could Aira, I often thought I could hear their whispers flitting by like a soft breeze.

I wanted to cross this bridge and explore this invisible world in hopes that learning more about it would in turn help Lucien with his duty in breaking the curse, even as I feared my investigations would leave me susceptible to its influence and risk the fragile reprieve I’d found from vanishing completely.

The documents rustled as Lucien continued his work. He frequently paused to look up, as if checking to ensure I was still there. I appreciated his consideration, so different from my usual role as a wallflower whose sole purpose was to serve as a decoration wherever I was permitted to occupy, even as my guilt deepened.

As the crown prince of a doomed land suffering from a ravaging curse, he had far more important things to concern himself with than his invisible fiancée, meaning I was getting in the way of what truly mattered. I wanted to support him, not be a distraction that detracted from his responsibilities.

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