Page 39 of Vanish

It wasn’t until this moment that I considered the possibility that he had been doing the same thing.

Evelyn’s laughter drifted through the open window. I glanced over to find her and Ryland smiling at one another as they lost themselves to their pastime, before forgetting even the stones as they gazed into each others’ eyes. I felt a surge of envy, yet for the first time it was accompanied by the urgency to act rather than remain trapped by my insecurity.

I used my newfound tangibility to push the books and papers farther from Lucien’s reach. “No more duties today; I want to spend the time with you.” It was time for us to embark on our quest of discovery.

“But I still want to help—”

“The best way to assist me is to continue our courtship.” It wasn’t even a convenient excuse to force him to take a reprieve from his duties; nothing short of coming to know him better would resolve my internal conflict. “I have an idea. There’s something I’ve been wanting to show you.” I attempted to tug at his hand, and though I possessed no strength to move him in this state, he rose to his feet.

“Where are you taking me?”

I simply beckoned in response, gratified to see a spark of interest shining through the weariness in his eyes. Our destination was a secluded section of the royal grounds, off the usual paths popular amongst the court. Confusion marred Lucien’s brow but he obediently followed my lead.

Upon our arrival he stilled, staring wide-eyed at the patch of earth—a simple tucked-away corner of the garden planted with sweet, old-fashioned flowers. At first glance it appeared entirely unremarkable, but its significance had been retrieved from a dim recollection as the place Lucien had brought me midway during our first courtship.

Lucien stared at it a long, silent moment, his expression a mixture of heartache and tenderness, evidence that the place held special meaning to him. He shyly gestured towards the garden. “I spend every spare moment I can here and have become quite familiar with the flowers.”

His meaning settled over me. “Are you the one who tends it now?”

He avoided my eyes, his flustered confirmation. “I know it’s not appropriate for a crown prince to…” He said nothing more, his insecurities about his royal image too rehearsed to bear repeating…but I better understood his words now that I knew how important appearances were to him.

My memory stirred with an echo of the same sentiment he’d shared the first time he’d brought me here. At the time I had agonized over his chosen location, fearing its simplicity meant he wasn’t invested in our courtship. Only now did I realize he’d brought me to a place of personal meaning as a way of sharing himself with me.

He’d given me a glimpse of the true man behind the mask even before I’d realized he wore it, yet I’d failed to understand the significance of the interaction. What else might my ignorance and insecurity have caused me to miss? Perhaps our first courtship hadn’t been a failure so much as an array of misunderstandings as two inexperienced participants navigated the uncertain waters as best they could.

He was silent a moment, so long I wondered if he was present with me or now found himself in another time and place entirely. “I started tending this garden after Mother’s passing. Even though nurturing the plants did nothing to restore her, I felt my efforts kept her spirit alive in each delicate petal, allowing me to momentarily pretend she wasn’t truly gone.”

My fingers curled around my pendant, the only token I carried from my own mother that I touched whenever I wanted to feel less alone. “I understand.”

Though he said nothing more, his few words threaded us closer. It was one of the first personal insights he’d shared about himself outside our usual polite pleasantries, giving me hope that perhaps he too yearned to go beyond the political arrangement binding us and offer me portions of his heart to cherish. The significance of the moment planted its own seed within me, and though that hope still needed constant nourishment in the times that would follow, it sprouted just enough for me to yearn for something more in our upcoming marriage.

He cast me a sideways glance. “Do you remember the first time I brought you here?”

“I remember that it was special to you.” More meaning filled my words than he likely realized. In my shyness I found it difficult to admit how special he was becoming for me, but for now I could at least show him that I valued what he did.

“I’m surprised you remember. You were so quiet the day I brought you here. I feared I had bored you.”

“I always enjoyed our time together.” Even while I still longed for a deeper connection, I experienced solace in his presence I couldn’t find anywhere else.

Though Lucien seemed touched, our conversation quickly lagged; he seemed preoccupied with something, likely the very tasks this outing had been my efforts to distract him from. I yearned to help him bear his burdens just as he’d so tenderly helped me carry mine, yet I was unsure where to start.

I took a wavering breath and forced myself to push through my usual reservations in hopes I could join wherever his thoughts currently dwelled in order to help him. “Is something wrong?” My tentative inquiry didn’t immediately draw his attention, and when he finally glanced my way the soft expression he’d worn while remembering his mother hardened, tucked firmly back behind his mask.

“I’m fine. Thinking of my mother’s loss reminds me how grateful I am that I can still be with you.”

Beyond the sweet sentiment, I sensed several words and thoughts he didn’t express, making me wonder if we could ever get past the superficial if he wouldn’t open to me…even if I eventually became visible again.

Despite his anxiety at parting from his work, Lucien seemed reluctant to head back to the palace, lingering to finger a daisy. “Perhaps this is your hobby,” I suggested. “Do you enjoy gardening?”

He gave a half smile. “Not particularly,” he said with a shrug. “I work here as a reminder of my mother and what she loved, though I don’t have any interest in working in other parts of the garden.”

I tapped my lips thoughtfully as I tipped my head back to look into his face. “I’m certain there’s something you have an affinity for…besides being an impeccable ruler.”

He continued to hesitate, seeming trapped by something beyond the guilt that would come from not being productive. “I’m not opposed to the idea of discovering what that might be, it’s just that…I don’t know what to do; I don’t really have any interests outside my duties.”

I gaped at him, but by the way he kept his gaze firmly lowered to his fidgeting hands I knew that in this instance at least he was in earnest. “I’m confident you possess interests outside the superficial court and talents beyond your role as crown prince, but perhaps similar to your brother’s affinity for rocks, your own aren’t obvious.”

A sense of purpose settled over me, different than the one I’d felt earlier to pursue our courtship—this one focused beyond my own selfish whims to him and his interests. Whether or not our relationship was a lie, I cared enough for him that I wanted him to also find happiness outside of it, even it unraveled…or the curse eventually claimed me and I disappeared.

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