Page 42 of Vanish

“He’sagreedto it, though I sincerely doubt he would have even considered you without the political benefits of the arrangement.”

Even with his confirmation I struggled to grasp the meaning of his words that painted a vision of a future far different than I could have ever imagined for myself.

It appeared I’d failed to understand the bearing of a royal title. Though I hadn’t been born to the queen, I was still the daughter of the reigning king. Even an illegitimate daughter could have purpose for her kingly father if she was married off to the crown prince of a neighboring kingdom; the fact I’d been bred to be passive would make me all the easier for him to manipulate in order to expand his influence.

Father narrowed his eyes. “Don’t delude yourself in thinking that this union changes your inferiority, or use it to put on unnecessary airs. Prince Lucien has no interest in you in particular; there are many benefits to this arrangement for Brimoire, enough for them to overlook your myriad of failings as a princess and destiny to one day become an even weaker queen.”

His attack slashed my heart, as if he’d glimpsed all my hidden hopes and ambitions and immediately acted to crush them before they could even blossom.

I yearned to escape the reality Father reminded me of with every harsh word, but unfortunately he had one final admonition before he dismissed me. “They don’t know of your background’s particular…circumstances, and you are to keep it that way. Understood?” His fierce tone left no room for argument.

His warning confirmed what I’d always feared—Lucien didn’t know of my true, shameful identity. While I was loathe to be complicit in Father’s deceit, he had spent my entire life solidifying my fear of him so that I would never dream of breaking his confidence, not even to build a relationship with my future husband…whom I suspected would serve less as a spouse and instead replace Father in his role as the warden imprisoning all my dreams, especially those pertaining to romance. Even so, I resolved to find the strength to tell him the truth about my background when the time was right.

The claims that Prince Lucien solely viewed our marriage as a political arrangement were confirmed with each meeting and every letter we exchanged. Our correspondence served as another reminiscent path for me to follow one letter at a time, concluding with the final one I received just before my departure. I’d reread this letter over and over during the carriage ride carrying me to Brimoire for the last time before Lucien and I would finally marry.

My thoughts had been torn between hope that our relationship would finally have a chance to flourish now that we would have extended time together, and hopelessness that it was unlikely to progress—just as our years of letters and visits hadn’t led to anything beyond a superficial cordiality.

I recalled now how Aira had watched with disapproval mixed with sympathy from her seat across from me in the rattling carriage as I once more unfolded the letter whose frequent handling had already caused it to become worn, though rereading it was unnecessary considering I already had its contents memorized. I was greeted by Lucien’s penmanship, almost more familiar to me than his voice, considering I’d had better chance to get acquainted with his writing than the man himself.

Dear Lisette,

This will likely be my last letter to you considering the time has nearly arrived for our marriage. I wish to thank you for your dedication to your duty, as well as your faithful correspondence we’ve enjoyed these past several years. I have no doubt that you will make an admirable queen and that together we will serve Brimoire faithfully.

The palace is in a flurry of preparation for the wedding and I am due shortly for a suit fitting so must keep this missive brief, but anticipate seeing you in due time.

Safe travels and best wishes, Lucien

As usual,the letter was entirely absent of the romantic sentiments I yearned for. I tried to read some depth of feeling between the lines as I lightly traced each word, but failed to see anything except for his determination to his duty or that he saw me as anything beyond becoming hisadmirable queen—a role that my vast list of shortcomings frequently outlined by Father and my lack of queenly example made seem entirely out of reach.

Such a prestigious title felt even more meaningless considering it was absent of any mention of being Lucien’s beloved wife and companion. While love might not be in my future, at the very least he likely wouldn’t treat me with outright cruelty…even as his continued indifference cut just as deeply.

The memories continued in rapid succession, mostly small moments that on their own seemed inconsequential—Lucien’s frequent stoic expressions, bored tone, and extended silences whenever we were in one another’s company—yet together they created the dismal reality of our courtship in streaks of grey, entirely absent of the tenderness Lucien had claimed existed between us.

His voice beckoned me from my voyage across my sea of memories to return to the shore where he waited. It was both a relief to emerge from the exhausting wave of recollection and disorienting to find myself back in his presence after remembering the truth of our befuddling relationship.

I blinked rapidly and he gradually came back into focus. “Are you alright?” Concern that didn’t match any of his other stoic expressions that crowded my memory’s gallery filled his wide eyes as he searched my expression.

My shock and overwhelm prevented me from responding as the recollections I’d just relived in rapid succession converged to form a single, undeniable truth:he’s been lying to me this entire time. The revelation shouldn’t come as such a surprise considering Aira had already suggested this very possibility. The unpleasant truth still caused me to reel; even with all the evidence before me, I yearned to deny it.

He…doesn’t love me. He never did.

Each horrible word created a fresh wound upon my heart. While Lucien’s attitude was no different from all my other failed familial relationships and attempted friendships, this was the first one to leave me broken with no idea how to pick up the shattered pieces…for contrary to his feelings towards me, I’d fallen in love withhim.

Finding a cure for my invisibility now felt meaningless. I’d only remained tethered to the visible world in hopes that I had a future here, one far different than the neglect that defined my past. Yet there was no future with a man who not only cared nothing for me, but had lied to me.

“Lisette?” He took a hesitant step towards me, his forehead creased in worry as he searched my expression. I stumbled backwards, anxious to put distance between us until I could make some sense of all the new information at my grasp. His look of pain as I shrank from him caused a corresponding twinge in my heart; I pressed a hand against the aching pulse in an effort to stave it.

My fingers touched the still-warm pendant, drawing my curious gaze. Midst my confusion from all the revelations brought by my unlocked memories came a new puzzle: what had finally allowed me to rescue them from the curse’s consuming force?

Now that I was free from the forgetfulness that had previously held my memories bound, the painful recollections tried to pull me deeper beneath their influence, even as my recent memories of the light created with Lucien ever since the curse had befallen me kept me from fully submitting. I closed my eyes, feeling caught between two realities and unsure which to trust.

“Lisette?” Once more my name on his lips attempted to tug me from the confusing whirl of my thoughts, cradled with a worry that seemed to deepen the longer my silence extended.

He reached for me with a gentleness that belied his indifference I’d rediscovered, a touch that was both welcoming and burning…as was the tenderness and hint of shyness that filled his gaze, remnants of the kiss we’d just shared. Heat flushed my cheeks as I recalled the memory that crowned all our others together.

The kiss…my fingers traced my lips where I could still feel the faint shadow from his gently pressing against mine, a beautiful moment tainted now that I knew that the relationship we’d forged had been nothing more than a façade. Even when faced with the reality of our true courtship, I couldn’t deny how cherished I’d felt that moment when Lucien had cradled me close, kissed me,lovedme, emotions that felt far too real to be merely pretend.

I wanted to confront him about his deceit in an effort to understand his motive for the charade, but I feared doing so would taint the joy borne from our second courtship that in the end had been nothing more than a fairytale, especially when my restored memories made me afraid of investing more of my heart in a relationship that would leave me broken when I inevitably lost it.

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