Page 5 of Vanish

Upon seeing him I experienced a myriad of emotions, the usual tug-of-war my heart underwent whenever in his presence—the battle between trying to develop affection for the man that was to be my husband and dread for my duty to Father’s dictates that had never been in my best interest.

In the end, the relief of his familiar presence midst my drowning proved stronger than the awkwardness and tension that had riddled our entire relationship. Despite our lack of closeness, my heart still lifted at the sight of him. I tried to call out to him so he might know I was here, hoping he might be able to help me, but my voice had vanished along with my body, leaving me as nothing more than a silent, invisible bystander.

Prince Lucien yanked on the reins and slowly looked around, his gaze passing over me several times as he took in the surrounding devastation. He had never been a man of much emotion. Whereas Father never hid his disapproval, allowing me at least the reassurance of knowing where I stood with him, with my fiancé’s constant stoic expression, his true feelings remained a mystery. Though the long silences that often stretched between us and his avoidance of directly looking at me were evidence enough of his indifference, a rejection possibly even more painful than the standard judgment of failure that frequently riddled Father’s expression.

His usual rigid mask faltered as he stared at the site where my entourage had disappeared with wide, disbelieving eyes. Even though our relationship was nothing more than a formal contract, I longed to glimpse a deeper reaction—sadness, heartbreak, horror—anythingthat might reveal that he possessed deeper feeling. But there was nothing beyond the initial shock, as if the curse had erased all emotion. My heart sank.He doesn’t care for me. The realization confirmed the fear I’d harbored all of these years.

The accompanying guard called Lucien’s name several times before he stirred. He blinked several times, as if he’d had to pull his thoughts from a faraway place I couldn’t reach, a distance similar to that which always divided us, leaving me wondering what he could possibly be thinking.

Resolution straightened his shoulders. “Finding the princess is our highest priority. There is a faint chance that she somehow escaped the curse. Leave no stone unturned in trying to locate her.”

His words ought to have provided me reassurance that he cared for my wellbeing, but the dutiful, businesslike tone in which he spoke them was similar to what he used to carry out his other responsibilities, as if he viewed me as nothing more than another item on his checklist; losing me would come at the cost of the benefits we’d forged in the contract between our kingdoms.

The guard bowed. “We will arrange for a search party. In the meantime, you must get out of danger and return to His Majesty so that you can come up with another plan, now that it appears that this one has failed.”

Lucien was silent a long moment, trapped in indecision, before he nodded. “See to it. In the meantime, I will work to form a more beneficial alliance, anything to aid Brimoire.”

My heart lurched.Plan…deep down I’d always known he viewed our arrangement as nothing more than another logistic matter. Though Lucien had never given any indication he cared for me, he had never provided enough evidence for me to think he hated me either, leaving me clinging to the foolish hope that perhaps I was misinterpreting our relationship through my usual tainted negative lens, causing me to wish for the promise of something more.

With his heartless words I wanted to sever the last thread binding me to my awareness and allow the curse to finish its work, but the force keeping me tethered remained unyielding. As Lucien turned his horse to leave his fiancée’s fate in his guards’ hands, the connection gave an impatient tug, as if urging me to follow.

I fought to resist, but my consciousness seemed to rise of its own accord to float after him; once more I found myself subject to the dictates surrounding me. Was it the contract that bound me to this man—still in force despite my vanished state—or the curse’s wishes that kept me connected to him?

Even with my frustration over my lack of agency in determining my next step forward, in truth there was nothing for me here—inaction and ignorance would only keep me trapped in the disappearing force’s clutches. At least Lucien offered some security as well as the potential to obtain more information—as the crown prince, he had spent years researching the curse afflicting his kingdom and likely possessed the most knowledge about potential ways to break it. Beyond the logistics in remaining with my fiancé, he acted as my only light midst my previous state ofnothing. Without him, I feared I’d be left without an anchor and sink further beneath the curse’s power and drown.

With this logic, I finally gave up the fight and allowed myself to drift after Lucien. He’d gone no more than a few paces when a thought struck me and I pulled back with a silent gasp. My handmaiden and guards! If I retained awareness after being claimed by the curse, then perhaps the same was true for those I’d been traveling with. Considering we were all trapped in the same realm of invisibility, perhaps we could see or at the very least somehow sense each other. With an effort, I forced myself to turn back towards the site of the vanishing as Lucien continued away from me at a brisk pace.

Hope surging, I searched wildly in all directions. My eyes and ears were now useless; I couldn’t even see or hear myself in this state. Unsure of how things worked in this new form, I tried to reach out in other ways to find any trace of my companions, but if Aira and the others were still here as well, I was unable to sense them.

As my fiancé moved farther away, I felt a strong tug in his direction. Blinking back invisible tears, I turned once again to follow Lucien and his guards as most headed back to the palace, while several remained behind to continue their investigation into my entourage’s disappearance. Without a body the journey didn’t exhaust me, yet the thought of traveling for hours on foot seemed disconcerting.

After some experimentation I managed to lift my awareness to balance precariously on the back of Lucien’s horse—he stiffened but otherwise gave no reaction that he noticed my presence. A strange desire to wrap my indistinct arms around him penetrated my usual shyness, my desperation to steady myself rather than being left alone midst this tumultuous ocean, even with a man I wasn’t close to.

Notwithstanding the many hours of stilted conversation over tea and attending formal events together, I had never been this close to the prince. I’d spent far too much of our courtship imagining what it would be like to touch him, wondering if the contact would trigger the romantic feelings I longed to develop towards my fiancé. I tried to imagine the heat of his body pressed against mine, wondering if physical proximity would somehow make up for the vast emotional distance separating us. Despite him being directly in front of me, he felt miles away.

His entourage rode at a steady trot different from the frantic gallop of their arrival. Lucien seemed lost in thought. Though our proximity allowed me to better examine his profile, he kept his emotions firmly tucked away, forcing me to imagine what he might be thinking.

I waited for any hint of feeling, but though he appeared more sober than usual, there was no sign of heartbreak…though neither was there relief, as if he was too occupied to be distracted by such feelings. I feared his dutiful mind was already hard at work formulating a newplannow that it was clear his current arrangement had fallen through, dismissing my disappearance as just another inconvenience, as my father would doubtless do as well when the news reached him.

He eventually stirred to glance over his shoulder, looking through me in the direction we’d come. Though his stoic mask didn’t falter, his eyes contained an almost desperate look, as if searching for something precious he’d lost. After a long moment he released a weary sigh and started to face forward…only to pause and turn back to look directly at the spot where I hovered, his gaze unseeing.

My heart leapt. “Lucien?” I offered his name in my usual shy whisper, yet not even this small amount of sound emerged. Once more I tried to speak, and when my efforts failed I focused on the area I knew my hand should be and reached out to caress his back with my airy touch. He reacted slightly, seeming to lean into my imperceptible touch for a brief moment before withdrawing to resume his former rigid posture.

If my consciousness had form, puzzlement would have marred my frown as I examined the hand that was no longer there. I wasn’t sure whether or not I had really been able to feel him, but a shadow of a touch seemed to linger against my absent skin, a sensation I couldn’t feel from the horse beneath me, as if Lucien’s presence penetrated the curse.

I tried touching him again. Confusion furrowed his brow as he once more glanced back. Though he appeared to look right through me, he stared for so long that for a moment I wondered if the clouds of invisibility that muffled my appearance and voice had parted and I’d taken form…but he only shook his head as if dismissing an errant thought and once more faced forward.

Hope tentatively emerged from the prison where the curse had held it captive. Had Lucien truly sensed me? If he had, the possibility of finding a way to escape the disappearing force entrapping me transformed from a vain wish to a tangible possibility.

The curse immediately reacted to this thought, slithering through my mind in an attempt to erase it—but Lucien’s presence gave me the strength to resist. Even though the relationship we’d formed remained in its infancy, in this moment the thought of growing closer to him was enough to pull me out of reach of the curse’s attempts to draw me deeper into its empty sea.

I’m not ready to disappear.

CHAPTER4

Where am I?

I gradually emerged from the mist engulfing my senses, as if waking from a dream I couldn’t remember. Gradually the shaded world that had been nothing more than a dark, blurry outline filled with color as the barely discernible details emerged from the thick nothingness that had previously engulfed me.

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