Page 47 of Quest

“I’m sorry, I promised you understanding only to betray your confidence.”

I took the words as both an apology and an invitation for further explanation. I stepped closer, my tone pleading in my desperation for him to understand and accept me. “I wanted to tell you many times, but fear of losing the bond we’d formed held me back. Even though it was built on a deception, our friendship means everything to me. Though I lied about who I was, it was with the right intentions. Don’t my actions since embarking on this quest in aiding the expedition, sharing your burdens, and fighting by your side mean anything?”

The last of his hardened resistance faded, his eyes softening with reluctant admiration. “I can’t deny that I’ve witnessed your strength and bravery midst adversity time and time again. From our first meeting I saw strength in you that I greatly admired even as it challenged me. Now in discovering who you truly are, it’s hard to reconcile those memories with the person I’ve come to know and respect.”

“I am still that person,” I insisted. “I am both the woman you met at my family’s apothecary and the companion you’ve traveled with. Though you now know me by a different name, I myself haven’t changed—I am both Mei and Ren. I don't expect forgiveness immediately...but perhaps with time you can understand why I made the choices I did and judge me for the person you’ve come to know beyond my deceit, so that with time you can see me for who I truly am.”

“It will be an honor to come to know Mei.” Though he accepted my words, hesitancy still seemed to hold him back. “Even though the explanation would help alleviate the suspicions against you, it would be wise not to tell the others that we have a woman amongst us.”

I didn’t mind that no one else knew my identity, for the one who did was the only one that mattered. Relief overcame me as his meaning settled over me. “Does that mean you won’t send me away?”

He was silent a long moment before his rigid posture faltered with a sigh. “Of course not. Aside from being too far along in our journey to escort you home, and it being too dangerous to send you back on your own, I cannot in good conscience do either.” He glanced down at his still-healing leg. “Nor can I deny that we need you; you have shown yourself to be an integral member of this group and have more than proven your worth.”

Meaning he wouldn’t keep me around for my sake, but for that of the mission.

Though I’d grown accustomed to and even come to appreciate his practical nature, and that I shouldn’t have expected anything more given that my disguise had kept my deeper feelings for him one-sided, it still broke my heart.

Holding back tears, I forced a smile that felt far more insincere than my previous deceit. “I’m grateful for the opportunity to continue to help you. Thank you for trying to understand, Darcel.”

Saying his name as Mei felt different, more intimate, especially beneath the soft glow of dusk. He seemed to sense this shift too, for he hastily averted his gaze, as if overwhelmed by the change. My secret hope almost convinced me that I imagined a shy blush tinging his cheeks.

He cleared his throat and nodded, seemingly at a loss for words after the overwhelming flood of recent revelations. He took up his own lantern and withdrew, casting me once more in shadow…and with it my disguise fell into place once more.

Though he stayed nearby, he somehow seemed farther away. Rather than my confession drawing us closer, instead he seemed to stand atop the highest peak, impossibly out of reach. Although I’d bridged the distance my deceit had created, Lumis’s lingering light only reminded me that beyond sharing the truth of my façade, the deeper confession of my unspoken feelings for him I most wanted to give remained burrowed in my heart.

CHAPTER 19

Darcel

Ren is a woman.

I still couldn’t get over that unbelievable fact which had forever altered the way I viewed my friend and comrade. Though I maintained a façade of calm, the shocking revelation and all its implications whirled through my mind, shaking the foundations of all of what I thought I knew—not just about her, but about my own perceptions and judgments.

Ren is a woman.

And not just any woman, but the beautiful herbalist who had captivated me from the moment I first met her at the apothecary. I recalled the interaction as vividly as if it was yesterday—the beguiling apprentice whose fiery wit had challenged me and deep passion had instantaneously intrigued me, emotions it’d taken great effort to suppress beneath my outward expression of annoyance. I’d been startled by my immediate draw towards her, forcing me to behave more harshly than I might have otherwise. Now in a twist of fate, the woman who tormented my thoughts and sanity now walked beside me.

The deepening night cast shadows across her face that was once more hidden beneath her disguise, forcing me to rely on the memory of its soft contours. I squeezed my eyes shut, attempting to block out the image of Ren’s rugged masculine guise—an injustice to her true beauty. Yet an irresistible force beckoned, compelling me to steal another glance in hopes of catching a glimpse of her real self beneath the illusion.

Her cheeks flushed under my gaze, and for a moment, I caught a glimpse of Mei beneath Ren’s guise. Though magic veiled her delicate features, the longer I watched her, the more I recognized traits that transcended mere appearances.

Eventually temptation compelled me to steal another peek. With each repeated sidelong glance, I fought the urge to take her arm…a strange desire I hadn’t experienced throughout our entire journey. I’d never insisted on escorting her prior to this unexpected discovery, made more peculiar when logically I knew she was perfectly capable of traveling alone. Yet somehow the revelation of her femininity stirred an instinct to protect her.

We walked in silence, our progress slow due to my lingering limp from the injury I felt a sudden swell of gratitude towards our mountainside accident for the opportunity it now created to spend more time with her, allowing me to observe details about her that I hadn’t noticed before but which now seemed blatantly obvious.

I ached to talk to her, but the words that had once flowed seemed to have vanished, stolen from me with every glance she cast my way…a rather irrational response I had never experienced and had no explanation for. Technically, knowing her by a different name shouldn’t have changed the friendship and trust we’d gradually built with each step of our journey…yet somehow it altered everything, deepening our relationship in unexpected ways, as if discovering she was a woman uncovered a secret path to a destination I didn’t realize I desperately wanted to embark on with her.

Lost in these thoughts, our short trek to camp ended far sooner than I was prepared for. Just before we entered the clearing Mei spun on me, her usual feisty glint dampened by the anxiety etching her expression. “Remember we agreed to keep my true identity from the others.”

A reprimand wasn’t what I would have chosen to finally bridge the unbearable silence, but I was relieved she still seemed willing to talk with me; part of me had feared it would be too difficult for her now that her secret had been exposed…a worry I’d done nothing to dissuade with my own sudden awkward inability to converse with her.

I tried to speak, but had already become distracted by the soft lilts of her voice, only thinly disguised by her strained efforts to deepen it. I’d detected hints of her feminine tone before, but it seemed unfathomable that I’d never connected the dots. Now that I noticed it, I couldn’t un-hear it.

Her firm look tugged my reluctant focus back to our unfinished conversation. Too late I remembered she was awaiting an answer and my prolonged silence was causing her unnecessary worry. “I am a man of my word,” I assured her. “Your secret is safe with me.”

Her shoulders sank with relief. “Thank you, Darcel.”

A foreign feeling fluttered in my chest. Though I’d heard my name countless times, somehow it sounded different when spoken in her beautiful voice that seemed to encircle me like an embrace…a rather puzzling reaction. Once again words failed me, so I simply nodded and led the way into camp.

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