Page 123 of Woman on the Verge

Bless him for not making me ask.

Thank you. I hope they go easy on you at bedtime

Him: They will. They know I can’t handle them like you can

I want to sayI can’t handle them either! You just have to try harder!But I don’t want to get into it, so I just say:

I’ll text tomorrow. Night.

I sit by my dad’s side until one o’clock in the morning. The new overnight hospice nurse, Ingrid, sits in a chair next to me, alert and focused. She is older than the others who have passed through—in her fifties. She has an accent, something Nordic.

“You can get some sleep,” she says. It’s only when she says this that I realize I’ve started to drift off. Merry went up to bed a couple of hours ago.

“I just don’t want to miss ... it.”

She gives me a smile that seems to pity me a little. “Sometimes, they wait until you leave the room to die. Sometimes, they want to be alone.”

“They do?”

She nods. “It’s quite common.”

“Why?”

She shrugs. “I think the transition is a very personal thing. He might not want you to see his life leave him. He might want to protect you. He might think it would be too painful for you.”

“It wouldn’t be.”

She shrugs again. “I’m only guessing.”

Of course she is. How could any of us pretend to know?

“You’ll call us if anything changes?” I ask.

Lying in bed, even if just for a few hours, does sound good. My body is tired.

“Of course.”

I give my dad a kiss on his cheek, whisper, “I’m going to get some rest, Dad. I love you. I’ll be back soon.”

That way, he knows I’m stepping out. If he wants to die alone, he can. If he wants to wait for me to return, he can.

“Do you think he can still hear me?” I ask.

Again, how could she know for sure? I am desperate for her omniscience.

“I think so.” She must know that’s what I want to hear. I am grateful.

I go upstairs and get into bed with Merry. She stirs lightly. I wonder if she thinks, for a split second, that I am Dad, coming to bed late.

“Oh, it’s you,” she says groggily, taking me in.

“Can I sleep with you tonight?”

I feel like a child asking this.

“Okay.”

I get under the sheets on my dad’s side of the bed. I reach my arm over to touch Merry’s arm, and I fall asleep just like that.

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