Page 85 of House of Soot

I remember the fury in Blaise's eyes when Ronan hit me, how quickly he moved to check whether I was hurt.

"The Blaise I knew six months ago would have completed the mission at any cost. He didn’t count on you.”

The sincerity in Ash's voice makes me want to believe him, want to believe the connection I felt with Blaise wasn't entirely fake. But the memory of his cold eyes in that cellar, the way he threw our relationship back in my face…

"If he cared, why did he say those horrible things? Why tell me it was all just manipulation?"

“Maybe because you were standing next to Ronan, defending him. Still on his side… showing him how to ruin the Ifrinns.”

I shake my head. “No, I never—at least not on purpose.”

“If you hit someone by accident while driving, aren’t you still responsible?”

I swallow hard. "But I was just stupid. A silly girl with a crush." Ten years later, I was still that girl, eating up Blaise’s attention just like I’d done with Ronan.

“What did you think Ronan would do knowing about the passage?”

“I didn’t think he’d burn the house down,” I snap. I close my eyes, knowing I’m trying to defend myself from a man who lost so much because of my own naivety. I look up at him again. “I’m sorry that my actions led to your losing so much. Truly. I just was enjoying the attention Ronan gave me. I thought it was a game. If I’d known his intentions, I wouldn’t have shown him. I’d have told someone. I swear. I’m so, so sorry.”

"You were thirteen." Ash's chair scrapes against the floor as he stands. "The question isn't whether you deserve forgiveness for being manipulated as a child. The question is, whose forgiveness do you really want? Mine? Or Blaise's?"

The question knocks me off guard. I hadn’t thought about Blaise’s forgiveness, but of course, he lost as much as Ash did.

“I guess I’d like all of you to forgive?—”

“But you won’t forgive Blaise. You acted with childish naivety. Is that so different from his acting from a place of pain? You realize your mistake, just as he does. Why should you be given forgiveness but not him?”

“How can I believe him when he admitted it was a lie?”

Ash’s blue eyes narrow, as if they’re searching for something. I do all I can not to flinch or look away.

“How can we believe you didn’t know what Ronan wanted? Blaise’s impression for a long time was that you’d do anything for Ronan. Including betray our family.”

“How can I trust him?—”

“How can he trust you? If Hampton Kean were to find you and tell you Ronan always loved you and you owed it to him to expose us, would you?”

“No.”

He leans forward. “How can we trust you about that?” He steps back. “So far, I haven’t seen anything from you that suggests we can trust you except perhaps you haven’t called the Keans on the phone Blaise stupidly gave you.” He sets his coffeecup in the sink. “But Blaise, on the other hand, he's already arranging safe houses, new identities, whatever you need to live happily ever after without him."

"Because of the baby?"

He whirls around. “Fucking hell, you’re dense. It’s because he loves you.”

I flinch.

“There was no baby when he risked the Keans’ wrath by throwing their influence around to get your mom a heart. There was no baby when he did the dumbest thing in history by not leaving through the tunnel and instead went to save you. Ronan wouldn’t have done any of that for you, but Blaise is the asshole?”

He looks at me like I’m the lowest form of life on earth. “The sooner you’re gone, the better. Blaise will never be right as long as you’re around.” He stalks out of the kitchen, leaving me stunned, confused, and feeling oh, so guilty.

Is it my wishful thinking or naivety that has me wondering if not everything between me and Blaise was a lie? That somewhere over the course of his revenge plan, Blaise started caring for real, as Ash says? Can I trust that? Can I build a future on such a shaky foundation?

I retreat to the bedroom, my conversation with Ash echoing in my head.

I need to hear Mom's voice, need her wisdom now more than ever. I dial the number.

"Jenna?" Mom's voice sounds weak but alert. "Are you okay, sweetheart?"

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