Page 10 of Poison Aches

But most of all, why?

Why didn’t I do anything?

Why didn’t I help to unbuckle and drag him out?

Why am I alive when a more fitting, more deserving, more loved person should be here?

How is that fair?

My grandparents could be happy still, dancing together.

Samuel would have someone to fix cars with and talk 30s and 40s music with.

But instead, I took all that away from them.

The answer is simple, really…unwanted people should always go with the flow and be gone.

Why do we ask and beg and force ourselves into spaces and relationships that clearly don’t want us?

Why am I this way?

Why can’t I be impassive as well? Why can’t I get the message?

Maybe if the waves swallow me whole and take me, that would be my apology to Grammy and to Samuel.

If only I could bring back Gramps, but I do know he’s safe in Heaven, whereas after I jump, I’ll go straight to where I deserve to pay for my sins.

Unlovable.

Unwanted.

Unlucky.

The blizzard picks up.

The harsh, angry wind blows in my face, turning the flesh into icicles.

I forgot my coat, but does that even matter now?

I take a deep breath, strain my body to climb over the embankment.

I take a step closer to the edge, and then… I freeze in my steps when I see him watching me with a look between interest and boredom.

“Go ahead,” the boy says in a low voice that somehow reaches my ears, sounding louder than the howling wind. “Jump.”

Fear and shock suddenly fill my chest until I can’t breathe.

Where did he come from?

How does he know what I was planning to do?

“W-what are you w-waiting for?” he taunts, and then he looks away from me as if dismissing me. “Well… j-just as I t-thought.”

A sudden rush of something fills my chest.

Why is he dismissing me?

“What?” I cry, my fists clenched around the hem of my dress tightly as the cold seeps into me.

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