Page 14 of Poison Aches

That’s on good days.

Then there are days like today when the thing goes an entire five seconds without moving at all.

In those seconds I wait for that one certain thing. The same thing the girl said I’m nonchalant about.

“Does life really matter?” I ask her silently, not really wanting an answer.

“Of course it does!” the girl shrieks, as if offended. “Life matters! It matters a lot! Because where there’s life, the opportunity for countless possibilities is real!”

Her words stun me so much that I turn to look at her fully, feeling annoyed.

She looks back at me and then she looks down at her feet, shuffling in place. “Well…at least that’s what my Gramps always said.”

This time, there’s a heaviness in her shaky voice. A kind of heaviness that shouldn’t be found in one so young.

“He is…I mean, hewasa doctor,” she whispers and then sniffles. “He saved lives. My Grammy too. She’s a nurse in the ER… but… but…when it mattered, I completely ignored them.”

The girl suddenly drops down, hugs her knees and starts sobbing right there by the edge of the cliff.

She isn’t wearing a jacket. Her dress is sleeveless. It’s snowing heavily, the blizzard will likely pick up soon and yet, here is a little girl, crying ugly tears, unaware of any of this.

“He saved me, but I didn’t save him!”

I stand there, listening while piecing the obvious story together.

The multitude of people that packed the church when I was passing by all came for this girl’s grandfather.

It seems he was a well-respected man…who died saving this girl, apparently…which leads to her wanting to punish herself for it.

This time when I feel the pain in my chest, it’s so acute, unexpected, with a depth that goes through the rest of my body.

Why am I suddenly feeling uncomfortable?

“He was my first best friend. He loved me when no one else did and now he’s gone, all because of me!” The girl continues to cry. “If it wasn’t for me, he’d be safe and happy, continuing to live his lovely life with Grammy and Samuel.”

If it wasn’t for me…

For some reason, those words awaken something in me that I’d been trying to keep as stagnant as possible, but now at the girl’s words, I know I’m about to lose the war.

I don’t even have a prayer at sealing the guilt out of my system now.

Her sin of merely existing took away the one person that loved her.

Just like my existence took away the one person that sacrificed everything for me.

Anger, like a flood, suddenly fills my veins, my nerves, and my bones.

Who is this girl?

Why is her voice so loud?

Why do her words feel like they are sinking into my blood, my bones and every inch of me that is suffering the loss of my mother?

Where does she get the audacity to approach me like this?

Who the hell is this strange girl and where did she come from?

“So you killed him,” I grit out, fists clenched, making sure my words cut her…and myself.

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