Page 37 of Poison Aches

A life where I’m truly confident, happy and loved, not whatever it is that I am now.

A ragged sigh escapes my lips.

I can’t be ignorant. In fact, ignorance will be the death of me.

I can’t proudly adopt something that will only make me an even bigger burden.

A failure.

A big pile of wasted energy and attention.

“Well?” The phone crackles with an exasperated voice. “Have you done it yet?”

I stare at my computer screen. At this point, I can’t even make out the words.

Everything is just blurry and out of shape. Hell, I’d even forgotten that I’m still on the phone.

“No.”

“Jesus, Ivy, are you being for real right now?”

I can hear the annoyance in my brother’s voice. My stomach tightens with anxiety.

A few years ago, I had a habit of biting my nails in these situations. It took three specialists and counselors to help me break that vicious habit.

But right now with the flood of nervous energy in my stomach, I almost revert to that shy, insecure girl.

“You texted me that it’s done over an hour ago. I called you right at that second. I’ve been on the phone with you since…but you still haven’t done it?” Samuel says in a low, clipped tone.

I can tell he’s trying to stay calm but is doing a shoddy job of it.

“It’s not the code. I’m done with that and sent you back the program,” I grumble. “The security should be upgraded two hundred times by now.”

“Oh you did?” Samuel’s voice changes. “Brilliant. That’s brilliant.”

“What are you even using that code for anyway?” I ask, feeling weird. “You’ve asked me to work on it for the past few years.”

“You don’t have to worry about that,” he responds, waving me off like he always does.

“But–”

“Have you opened your results yet?”

And just when I thought I had effectively changed the topic, we’re back to this.

“Samuel…” I start in a small voice. There’s a sheen of sweat covering my brow.

I’ve been bouncing my knee for over an hour, which is ridiculous since I’ve been here before.

This isn’t new to me. At this point, I’m pretty sure the test graders know my name and credentials by heart, but still, that doesn’t stop the nervous breakdown about to take over my entire soul and body.

“Dude, what’s the hold up?” Samuel demands seriously.

“I’m nervous, okay!”

Samuel sighs over the line, as if defeated.

Pinpricks of tears sting my eyes.

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