Page 80 of Poison Aches

I ignore her imploring gaze. I know she wants to ask what’s really going on with me but see, no one happy wants to hear the thoughts of miserable people. So why dampen her mood?

“Maybe!” I smile, knowing damn well that I’m hiding a shit ton of secrets, not just from her but from everyone in my life. “What were you saying?”

Astraea watches me for a bit. I don’t know what she sees on my face because her eyes soften and then she smiles gently.

“I was asking if you’re all packed and ready for the big world,” she says. “Kim said lately your head’s been buried in textbooks, test papers, and freaking practice sheets all day long, so I wasn’t sure if you’re even packed.”

Her words strike a nerve, but I quickly force myself to be stable.

“Woman, if I don’t study my ass off, I definitely won’t make it,” I mutter, as something sour rises up my throat.

I hope it’s not bile. God knows I’ve barfed my guts out so many times since I lost my mind and did that shit.

“Oh, come on, Ivy, you’ll obviously make it! You aced the MCATs!”

My stomach twists sharply at those words.

For a moment, I feel disoriented as my throat constricts like I’m being choked by invisible hands.

“Ha!” I fake laugh and cough at the same time, but I swear there’s a fine coat of perspiration covering my brow. “That’s justthe first step. Unlike Samuel who’s naturally endowed with all the intelligence this world has to offer without investing in a single minute of studying, the rest of us have to work for this shit.” I force the joke, making Astraea chuckle.

“Right! I’ve never heard of Spider reading a book!”

“God has favorites! And that idiot is one.” I roll my eyes but clench my fists tightly.

“I bet Marie was so proud of you, after trying three times, you finally passed!”

I fight hard not to react to those words. The truth is, since a week ago when the results “came out”, I’ve been having a hard time looking at Grammy.

Her joy, the way her eyes sparkled, the relief and pride she had for me… it was all too much.

“My baby is going to be a doctor. God, if only your grandfather was still here to see this day, he’d be so proud of you!”

Those words alone sent me to bed crying and I had a full-blown panic attack that night.

I haven’t slept since then.

Whenever I close my eyes, I see Gramps’s disappointed face and I can’t help but toss and turn as my entire being quakes with shame.

The accursed Medical College Admissions Test is God’s way of proving some dreams to be overambitious, and I saw that for myself three times in a row.

And each time, the disappointment from Grammy and my brother, as well as the pity from my friends, all made me feel sick to my core.

I couldn’t take it anymore… which is why I?—

“Ivy!”

“Huh?”

“I lost you again,” Astraea says slowly. “What’s going on with you? You’ve been out of it all night.”

I try to laugh it off but the truth is, I can’t even act.

I’m on the edge of blurting out the truth at any second but doing so would undo the even more elaborate fabric of deception I’ve spun.

“I’m fine…it’s just I’m so exhausted.”

“Oh?”

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