Page 9 of Poison Aches

I stand there listening to the organ music playing inside the church, the snow starting to fall, I make a decision.

If I leave, I won’t cause trouble for them ever again.

They won’t have to tiptoe around a murderer, trying to find a way to leave me behind.

If I can get rid of myself, Grammy and Samuel will have a carefree life.

They will both be relieved, like my mother probably is wherever she is.

As if in slow motion, I look up and stare into the church.

I look at all the people that are here, not really seeing their faces.

These are all Gramps's colleagues, past patients that he helped to heal, friends, schoolmates, neighbors. Gramps was a loved man…killed by an unloved child.

I look past all of them, to Grammy and Samuel.

I stare at them for a beat.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper.

I wanted to apologize…but even I know there is nothing I can do or say that will bring Gramps back.

I glance at huge picture in front.

“I’m sorry, Gramps,” I cry. “I really didn’t mean to.”

I didn’t…and I’ll make it right.

There’s no reason why diseases like me should be kept around.

With one last look, I quickly turn around and run down the snow-filled steps, and with no sense of direction, I run as fast and as hard as I can.

I don’t know where I’m going, but I just keep running.

It’s snowing heavily again… such suitable weather, it’s enough to disappear.

I’m wheezing, panting, and completely out of breath by the time I stop. When I realize where I am, a feeling of familiarity and rightness hits me square in the chest.

Yes, this is only fitting.

This church is on a hill, and behind the church is the cemetery that extends all the way to edge of the cliff, which is where I unconsciously ran to.

The cliff has always been closed off, with warning signs to keep away. But today, everything is covered with inches of snow.

The dangerous, jagged, steep cliff looks inviting, beautiful, like a scene out of a fairy tale.

I step closer and stare out at the dark sea.

It’s snowing like crazy so nothing is very clear, but I know the waves must be roaring, ready to devour an abomination like me.

Hot tears trail down my cheeks as images of Gramps drowning flash in my head.

He fought hard to unbuckle me and push me out of the open window as the car sank faster than I could realize what was going on.

But the thing is, he was still buckled in his seat. How did he manage to reach behind to the back seat where I was and unbuckle me?

How?

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