Page 38 of Poison Vows

That bastard just told everyone that we’re together… doing things!

There was a time this would’ve thrilled me to no end, but look where that got me.

I don’t want to continue being a doormat.

Just now, I was in danger of completely folding for him when he came after me in all his heated six-four of hard, solid primal hotness.

But he doesn’t love me.

After years of waiting, hoping he’ll turn around and see me, fighting to stay afloat the turbulent sea of agony, I’m exhausted, pissed at myself, and just…broken.

I don’t know exactly when everything went wrong, or why.

It’s not like I wasn’t showered with love by Grammy, Gramps, and Samuel. In fact, they spoiled me.

But somewhere along the way, it felt like there was a tearing-like pain growing in my heart… and only the green-eyed boy could make it irrelevant and unimportant.

He had a way of making me feel steady, safe, and seen… and that’s what I hate most about falling in love with Emmett.

I hate that he made me feel free and at ease.

I hate that with him, it was easy to open up, liberating to be curious, and wonder out -loud without feeling like I’m boring him to death.

But what I hate most is the way he made me feel… special.

Now, no matter how jaded you’ve been or how traumatized and heartbroken, once someone makes you feel like you’re beautifully unique, accepts you in all the ways you are, and gives you highly restricted access to the core of whotheyare… that does something fundamentally transformational to you.

Bit by bit, I found myself being so attached to him, that I didn’t care when he was silent… because even when he was, he was always listening to me.

I was rejected everywhere.

Hell, I didn’t become actual friends with Astraea until later on in our senior year of high school, even though I had known her when we were kids.

It was always Emmett.

He was the one who saw me, accepted me, quirks and all, and he never let go of my hand.

But it has never and will never be me for him.

“Do not awaken love before it is time!”

King Solomon in the Bible, gifted with rare wisdom, wrote a passionate charge to girls and women, but it was more like a warning, a potent reprimand.

I regret not protecting myself… but if I could protect my heart from falling in love with Emmett, I would right now have found the cure for cancer!

There are some things that no matter how hard we try, we lose in the end.

The problem is, I never triednotfalling.

I dove headfirst, believing he would catch me, only to crash into a stone, shattering every bone in my body.

But that was then.

I need to focus on getting myself out of this now.

In the face of survival, unreciprocated love is a burden that needs to be cut loose.

I might as well unload everything, completely cut him off, and move on with my life…

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