Page 53 of Chasing You

I close my eyes. “Miles,” I warn, even though I can’t stop myself from wondering that same exact thing about him. He’s magnetic, I can’t help it.

With my eyes still closed, I feel a knuckle graze my cheek. It should be cold considering the water coating it, but it’s warm. I force my eyelids to stay shut, not wanting to see the look in hiseyes while he’s touching me, but not being able to shake him off either.

Miles has always had a warmth about him, this kind, and gentle aura that you just want to melt into and let it heat you up from the inside. When I met him, I decided that was the best thing that a man could be: warm. But I did that, I let his warmth consume me, until one day it burned, and I’ve been cold ever since.

But this touch, this moment, reminds me of how kind he can be, how easily I fell for him the first time, and how easily I could again. I could let go of that anger, let the waves carry it away right here and now; it would be so easy. But I can’t.

I wiggle my legs in the water, slipping from his reach.

“Marina.”

I finally open my eyes, and as soon as I do, I regret it. The look in his eyes screams sincerity, honesty, and openness, and I know it’s real. I know this man cares for me, he always has. But that didn’t stop him from walking away, so maybe caring just isn’t enough. Because the thing that I thought we always had was trust, but that’s long gone now.

“I never meant to hurt you,” he says. “I was stupid to think that walking away the way I did wouldn’t do exactly that, but at the time, that’s the only way I could have truly cut ties with you. I knew that if I saw you, if I looked into these hazel eyes, I would never have been able to walk away.”

“Please, don’t romanticise the way that you broke my heart,” I say.

He swims back into my space. “That’s not what I’m trying to do, I’m just—I’m trying to explain why I did what I did.”

“I don’t want to know why you did it.” His eyes are confused, as if he can’t even fathom why. “If I let you try to rationalise it to me…” I close my eyes again. “I won’t be able to stay this mad at you. And this pain, this anger? It’s the only thing keeping my head above the water right now.”

Everything feels so raw in this moment, like the salt water isstinging in an open wound, a wound that should’ve healed a long time ago.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers. “I hope you believe me.”

“I believe you,” I open my eyes. “I just don’t forgive you.”

I’ve never been able to, in all these years, I’ve never been able to forgive Miles for what he did. I tried to, I went through periods of time where I decided enough was enough. Enough time had passed that I needed to let it go, let him go. But I couldn’t. That feeling stayed buried away just like his T-shirt in the bottom of my wardrobe.

He nods. “It’s okay, I don’t expect you to. I just don’t want this tension between us to last forever. I don’t want you to hate me forever, we are going to be in each other’s lives now, we can’t avoid that.”

My heart sinks to the ocean floor beneath me. “I don’t hate you, Miles. I’ve never hated you, not even after what you did. I tried,” I scoff. “Didn’t work though.” I couldn’t forgive him, but I couldn’t hate him either. It was the universe’s fucked up version of torture for me.

“Sorry for that.”

The look on his face threatens to draw a smile from me, but I bury it deep. “When are you going back to work?” I change the subject.

The light in his face dulls. “A few days after Isla and Caio get back.”

I nod my head. Off he goes again. How does he live not knowing where he’s going to be in a month's time? Does he ever get over that instability? I feel unstable merely living in a tiny apartment and going on shitty dates, let alone never touching down for longer than a few days at a time.

It’s something I would’ve asked back then, but something I don’t feel like I can ask now. I know he’d answer me honestly, that he wouldn’t hold back with me, but I can’t give him the illusion that I want to talk to him. And I can’t let myself get carried away with him, not when I could so easily get swept back up into him.

“Where to this time?” I ask.

“Los Angeles.”

“For how long?” I can’t help myself. I’ll berate myself for it later.

He runs a hand through his hair, smoothing the wet strands over. “Only a few days before I’m back to my normal schedule.” He frowns, getting lost in thought. “I’m not sure if Wes is with me though,” he mutters to himself.

“Who’s Wes?”

Stop it, Marina, stop asking him about himself.

I can’t help it,can’t stop myself from wanting to know what he’s been doing all this time, who he’s been with, if he’s dated anyone. If he’s been in love since us… I know I haven’t.

Any man I’ve ever been with has never compared to Miles, not even close. I try not to compare, but it’s hard not to when I know what it feels like to be so wholly consumed by someone. And I’ve never felt a fraction of what I felt with Miles with anyone else, but maybe he has. Maybe there is someone who made him feel more than I did.

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