Page 171 of Salvation

I’m kidding, of course.

Maybe.

When Bee and Axel are old enough, please let them know how much I loved them. Show them photos of me and Crash. Let them know who their Nanan and Papa were. Tell them I’m sorry. But tell them I’m always here. I will always guide them from whatever plane of existence I end up on.

I love you so much, son. And I am so proud of the man you’ve been, and the man you’re becoming.

Let go of the past now. There’s no need for the resentment. Lead this club as the fearless president I know you’ll be, and love freely. The world is your empire, and you can shape it any way you see fit. The way things were done is not always the way things should remain. You are in control, and though we did the best we could, I know in my heart you’ll do even better.

Please forgive me for this. I’m sorry for keeping it a secret. I didn’t want you worrying about me, and I didn’t want the cancer to be the only thing we talked about. I wanted to stay being Mama. I wanted things to be as normal as possible. I didn’t want sympathetic glances and noises of pity. I wanted to leave as I lived—on my terms, and with Crash at my side.

I love you, baby. And I’ll see you when it's your turn to cross over. Hopefully, you’ll be an old man, having lived and experienced everything possible.

Until then, I’ll keep your seat warm.

All my love,

(your) Mama.

The paper fluttered from my fingers, and I sank to the carpet, burying my head in my hands. I vaguely registered Rachel coming into the room. I was only really aware of her presence when she sank to the floor next to me and nestled between my legs, wrapping her arms around my waist.

She rocked me as I sobbed, one hand in my hair, the other stroking my back as I said the final goodbye to my mum.

Chapter 77

Rachel

Not long after, there was a knock at the door and Hacksaw showed in the men from the funeral home. He must have rung them when I was holding Dante. I gave him a quick hug as a silent thank you, and then slipped out of the room, leaving them both to make the necessary arrangements to take Kitty’s body away until the funeral.

“Rachel,” Hacksaw murmured as I stood next to him, allowing the workers to do their job. “I know this can’t have been easy and I just want to say… Well… Thank you. I know we’re… going through some shit at the minute, and you know I’m not happy with you. But thank you for helping Mama.”

“Of course,” I nodded, not really knowing what else to say.

I checked in with the kids at Jenna’s, quickly letting her know what had happened. She sucked in a sharp intake of breath, and I felt a complete cunt for delivering more bad news into her life when she had already dealt with such profound loss recently. I offered to come and collect the kids, but she said they were all sleeping and she liked the thought of the house being full of children. I promised to leave them until the morning sincethey were settled, but made her swear to ring me if she needed anything at all.

I waited behind the bar, serving beers to the guys left behind, the atmosphere sombre and withdrawn. Not long later, I saw Hacksaw slip down the stairs, followed by men carrying a gurney with Mama’s body underneath the sheet.

“Where’s Dante?” I asked, bowing my head in respect as the men wheeled Mama through the corridors and out of the back door.

“He’s still in the room. I’m going to follow the guys and make sure Mama…” he swallowed heavily. “I’m going to make sure she’s settled. And then I’ll be back.”

“Okay,” I nodded, not knowing what else to say. “You come back here when you’re done, you hear? I don’t want you in the other house on your own tonight. She was Mama to everyone here, but we all know she was as much of a mother to you as your biological mother. Kitty helped raise you, and you’re not sitting in that house grieving when we can all be here together. You, Vienna and Shark, you were all her children. It doesn’t matter what we’re going through, or how much you currently hate me, you come here. Understood?”

He placed a soft kiss to my cheek in response and I watched out the window as he revved up his bike, and then softly padded up the stairs and quietly entered Mama’s bedroom.

Dante was sitting on the edge of the bed, his head hanging low and his arms resting on his knees. I heard “How Do I Say Goodbye” by Dean Lewis playing on his phone, and the soft sniffs as he silently cried.

“Dante?” I whispered, crouching down in front of him.

He didn’t respond to me, but he did allow me to hold his hands. I stroked my thumb over his knuckles, feeling completely out of my depth as he broke down in front of me piece by piece.

I stood back up and pulled Dante to his feet, immediately wrapping my arms around his waist. His arms came around me, one around my hips, the other cradling my head against his chest.

“How can she be gone?” He whispered as the song repeated from the beginning.

“It was her time, Dante. It’s what she wanted.”

“I don’t know how to accept that. I knew Crash would be gone. It's part of our lifestyle. But my mother? It feels unreal. She seemed like she would be here forever. I can’t imagine the club without her.”

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