Page 181 of Salvation

“End things how?”

“The file has been destroyed. I was never going to hand it over to the police. You never should have fallen for that,” Ilaughed, shaking my head. “Since when have I ever aided the police in anything? If you don’t want to be here, then leave. Take the kids and find a house somewhere on the compound. We’ll stick with the original agreement.”

“Is that what you want?”

“Honestly?” She nodded her response. “Yes. It is what I want. I don’t want to keep forcing this. If it's not working, then what’s the point?”

“No, you’re not doing this. You’re not leaving this solely up to me, so I can be the bad guy. Talk to me. Do you think this is working?”

“No,” I said simply.

Her face paled, but she simply swallowed heavily and nodded. “That’s that then.”

“I don’t think it’s working, because I think we’ve trapped ourselves. I thinkwework, though.”

“Dante,” she sighed, moving forward to sit on the edge of the bed. “You’re confusing me. For once in your life, can you just give me a straight answer? How do you fucking feel?”

“I love you,” I said simply. “I’ve always loved you.”

I watched her, her head still bowed low. And then I heard the sniff as she held back her tears.

“Hey,” I murmured, crouching down on the floor and placing my fingers on her chin, gently tilting her head up. I saw a tear cascade down her cheek, and I used my thumb to wipe it away. “What’s going on in your head? Talk to me. For once, stop hiding and pretending you’re okay and actually let me in.”

“I’ve ruined everything,” she said, choking slightly on a sob. “With you, I can be myself. I always pretended with everyone else, because I knew they wouldn’t accept me. Not the real me. There was too much judgement. Too much history. Too much… everything for them to ever be happy with the person I really was. It was easier to comply and sit in silence than live incondemnation. And yet I received their contempt, regardless. But not with you. Never with you. I showed you the worst of myself, and you accepted me. You cleaned up my messes, you cared for me—hell, you even washed my hair and comforted me after I killed a man. With everyone else, it was always ‘how do we clean up this without ruining our own reputation?’ Whereas with you, there’s never been any of that. And I know I’ve fucking pushed you. I know at times I’ve given younothingbut the worst of me. Even when you were trying to give me the best of you….” She paused, angrily wiping away the tears on her cheeks. “And I feel like an absolute cunt crying in front of you. I hate women who use tears as a weapon.”

“Rachel,” I chuckled. “When have you ever used tears as a weapon? You’re a fighter through and through. You use these as your weapons,” I said, lifting her wrist and gesturing to her fists. “I don’t think you’re using tears to manipulate me or get your own way. What I do think, though, is that you’re a crazy, psychotic, fucked up woman who has held back for too long. You keep a tight leash on any emotion you don’t like, and I think it was inevitable that one day the dam would burst and they would all come flooding out.”

“How mad are you? Really,” she insisted. “If I’m not allowed to hold back, then neither are you.”

“I’m pretty fucking pissed,” I admitted. “And I’m hurt,” she flinched at my words and I cupped her face, repositioning myself between her legs so I was no longer crouched but kneeling before her. “I’m hurt because you did it. But I can get over that. I’ve hardly been a saint, and you’ve forgiven much worse than a kiss. I’m more hurt over my own thoughts. I never really entertained the idea that you could be with someone else, and you’ve just proven to me how easily that could happen. I’m not hurt so much as I’m fucking terrified.”

“Terrified?”

“It broke me. I didn’t think anything could break me like that, and yet you did it. You constantly push me out of my comfort zones and make me experience and feel things I don’t like. Believe it or not, when Vienna confessed to me, I was angrier at myself than I was at you two.”

She frowned at me, not understanding. I could hardly blame her. I barely understood what I was saying. But I was trying. I just wasn’t used to this heart to heart shit. Yet I knew that if there was even the slightest chance for us to get through this, then I had to do it.

“I was angry, because I realised what a shit I was. I always knew on some level that I didn’t treat you the best. I knew that I had manipulated you, abused you, and even sometimes, outright tortured you. Vienna’s confession was like someone was holding a mirror up to me, and I was forced to see myself through someone else’s eyes for a change. I love you, Rachel. And I promise to do better by you going forward.”

Her eyes snapped to mine, searching them frantically. “You want to go forward?”

“How much of a hypocrite would I be if I called it quits over this?” I asked, smiling gently at her. I brought my head lower, bringing my lips to hers, and placed a small kiss against her mouth. She tried to push forward, wanting to deepen the kiss, but I held her back, chuckling at her heavy frown.

“I don’t want to fall into bed with you. Not right now. Right now, I want to talk.”

“Talk?” She laughed. “Since when have you wanted to talk?”

“Since now. Because you’re not leaving this room without being completely aware of my feelings towards you. I’m going to explain everything and remove every doubt from your mind. I’m not relying on makeup sex and brushing things under the carpet.”

My hands left her face, moving to link my fingers with her, resting our clasped hands on her knees.

“When I first met you, it wasn’t love at first sight. I saw this beautiful, almost ethereal woman, and I wanted to own her. I wanted to have her as my possession, simple as that. You were the most beautiful woman I had ever seen, and I knew immediately that it would be unacceptable for any other man to have you. I didn’t grow up in a world where love was a freely used term. Power is the ultimate commodity around here. And having a beautiful woman by my side would have been a status symbol.”

She nodded, but she didn’t interrupt.

“My parents lived by that rule. Power was what was important. They chose me over Macbeth because I was the most powerful, and had the ability to lead the best. It wasn’t because they loved me the most—even if that’s the way Macbeth interpreted it. I never loved Laura. I married her because it was expected. It was a powerful match. She was the daughter of a very respected member of this club, and it just made sense that we would be together. The next generation of powerful leaders. I certainly never loved any of the club whores, or Vicky, or Beth. At one point, I wasn’t even sure I was capable of love. Enough women have accused me of being dead inside—you included,” I joked, earning myself a smile from her.

“Even with Bee, it was difficult for me to break the barrier and be completely free with her. I felt the most towards her, but I never recognised it as love. I just assumed it was instinct. You protect and guard your offspring.”

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