Page 40 of Salvation

“Yeah, I’m just…” she shook her head. “I’m fine.”

“How about I finish making those brews, you go and sit down, and then I’ll ask again? Only this time, you can tell me the truth.”

“I… Okay,” she said with a sigh, stepping out of the way. She knew when she was defeated, and I wasn’t going to let this go. I had no business coming in here after all this time and ordering her around, but I also recognised when someone was suffering. She needed to vent, she just didn’t know where to start. I knew it as surely as I knew the sky was blue.

I nodded my head in the direction of the front room without another word and then made the promised brews before following her.

“He’s cute,” she said, grinning at Axel, who was using the sofa to pull himself up so he could peer at the baby she had lifted into her arms.

“He is. He looks like Dante, doesn’t he?”

“Apart from the blonde hair, green eyes, and the lack of tattoos, he could be Dante’s mini twin, yeah. His features are all Dante. Even the way he looks at people sometimes. I noticed it this morning when he was staying here. He kept throwing this look at Trex, and it was like watching Shark and Dante in miniature form.”

“Just my luck. I carried and raised the kid, but I may as well not have been in the delivery room. You’d never know he was mine.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t say that. Bee isn’t yours, but I see a lot of you in her. You left your mark on that one, and you’ll soon start seeing more of yourself in Axel, too. You’ll see.”

I smiled at her and then frowned as I watched her fuss over the sleeping baby. “You know…” I began, trying to figure out how to say my next words without sounding insensitive. “You don’t need to be holding him all the time. He was content in his bouncer, fast asleep. Take whatever time you can for yourself.”

“I know,” she sighed, as though people had been having this conversation with her for the past five months. “He’s my miracle baby, though, you know? I don’t want to miss a single minute of it.”

I sat down in the armchair, still holding both the brews. “I get it, and I’m not criticising you in the slightest. But you’re not missing anything when he’s asleep. All you’re doing is risking losing yourself. However, if you want to hold him, I get it, and I’llsupport you. Just let me know when you want a drink, and I’ll tip this to your lips.” I raised the cup at her with a small smile.

She hesitated for a moment, and then got up to place the baby back in his bouncer, pulling it closer to her as she did so. I handed the cup of tea to her without a word, but watched how she couldn’t take her eyes off her sleeping son.

“It’s hard,” she said softly, so softly I wasn’t even sure I heard her.

“What’s hard?”

“This,” she said, gesturing at Trex. “All of it.”

“I know—”

“But you did it on your own! I have an entire village of people, and I’m still struggling.”

“Well, first of all, we’re not going to do that. We don’t compare ourselves to others. We each handle things differently, and we each have different experiences. I worked with children for years, and then there was Bee… I had that to rely on. Whereas you became Shark’s old lady after Bee was born, you have no younger siblings, and you don’t use that village you speak of. No one would think any less of you for taking a break, you know? Itdoestake a village to raise a child, and if you have that support system, fuckinguseit. Don’t suffer. You’re not a better mother because you became a zombie to make sure you can hold the baby all day long. You’re already a brilliant mother, but you’ll be the best one possible if you give yourself a break and be kind to yourself.”

“You didn’t have a village with Axel.”

“No, I didn’t,” I paused, bringing the cup to my lips and taking a sip. “But I did have a nanny.”

“You did?” She breathed, her face brightening.

“Of course I did!” I laughed. “Kids are soul suckers, Jenna. If you let them, they’ll take all you’ve got. And we’ll love them all the same, but will we still love ourselves? We’re not just mums;we’re also human beings. And we’re allowed to remain ourselvesandbe a mummy. There’s no prize at the end for holding our babies more than other mums. It’s just pressure we put on ourselves for no reason. You’re a damn good mother, don’t ever let self-doubt creep in and make you believe otherwise. Understood? You are the best mummy.”

“Mummy,” Axel repeated, coming over to pat my knees.

“Come here, you!” I grinned at him, picking him up so he was sitting on my knees. He grabbed hold of my T-shirt in his fist as his eyes started to grow heavy.

“There’s no way it’s as easy as that,” Jenna frowned, looking at Trex, then Axel, then back at her baby.

“It’s not always. Some days, there are tears and tantrums when he fights his naps. Other times he refuses completely, and then sneaks a nap in an hour before bedtime. Or, there are times like today when he’s happy to drift off in my arms,” I replied, smiling softly at my son, who now had his eyes fully closed, his fist clenching my T-shirt that little bit tighter.

Just like Bee used to do!

She had always wanted to be clinging to me. It made my heart heavy when I thought back on those times. But at least I would be able to see her soon. I had to cling to that, rather than sneaking off to the bathroom and crying to myself when Axel was asleep, like I usually did, drowning in memories of all that I had once lost.

“Trex seems to spend forever being rocked to sleep.”

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