Page 10 of Mine

“Do you think she’s the one?” I asked before sipping my tequila sunrise.

“I think so, Presly. Nah, I know so. I think I’m just… nervous to acknowledge that.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know if I’m ready for marriage and children yet, but that’s the future I want to have with her.”

“Well there’s no rush, right? I mean… the two of you have only been dating for six months. Is she pressuring you to propose or something?”

“Nah.” He chuckled and tightened his grip on his beer. “The anxiety over proposing is coming from me. I don’t want to lose her.”

“Aww that’s sweet. The fact that you even think that’s an option while things are good between the two of you says a lot. You won’t lose her, Andy. She sounds like a great girl, a smart girl, and if she is, she won’t let you go easily. Take your time and continue to nurture that seed of love. It’ll bloom in due time.”

“Thank you, Pres,” he muttered, giving my hand a gentle squeeze. “What’s up with you and your man? Are things better between the two of you?”

“Why do you think things were bad?” I asked with a curious smile.

“The fact that I had to pull up on you a few weeks ago said a lot. No disrespect, but he should have been handling that. I didn’t mind because you’re my girl and you deserve to have whatever you want, but if another man had to give my woman something she needed that I could have provided, I’d feel some type of way.”

“Yeah, well…” I shrugged and tried to keep my smile from wavering, but it didn’t really work. “Houston doesn’t really… he’s not like you, Andy.”

“Considerate? Caring?” Confusion covered his face before he laughed. “The amount of pain my woman be in during that time of the month… she can have whatever she wants.”

“Houston says it makes me moody, so he keeps his distance.”

“Nah, fuck that. That’s an excuse. If he can’t be around you during that time of the month, imagine how he would act if you were dealing with some real life shit and was struggling with your emotions. Or hell, if you were to get pregnant. Would you be moody then? I’on like that, Pres. You need to let that nigga go.”

“I thought about that, but I felt like I was overreacting.”

“You’re not overreacting. That’s your intuition trying to warn you. If a man can’t handle your emotions for something as simple as that, that’s a red flag. Don’t ignore it and find yourself in a position where you need a dependable partner, someone who can be a safe space for you emotionally, and realize he isn’t capable of being one.”

He paused, eyes shifting before he added, “When your boundaries are being tried, you’ll feel like the bad guy. You’ll try and convince yourself you’re wrong or overreacting just to keep things as they are. You’re going to keep having problems and being hurt with no peace until you leave a relationship God didn’t intend for you to be in. No one can make you leave until you’re ready though. I just want you to know you ain’t wrong.”

When I agreed to have lunch with Andy, I certainly wasn’t expecting him to give me something to think about. Even without the whole emotional availability thing, I kept making excuses to stay with Houston just because I was used to him. I kept justifying the disconnect because he was a good guy. My sister was right; he wasn’t the good guy for me. As much as I didn’t want to end things between us, I had to acknowledge the fact that there was no future between us. And if that was the case, why was I continuing to waste my time?

“Can we talk?”

“Oh shit. What I do now?”

Though Houston’s question made me giggle, I didn’t want it to distract me. I decided to talk to him instead of just cutting things off. Three days had passed since the situation at his mama’s house and my talk with Andy. I felt like I owed it to him to at least be completely honest about how I’d been feeling lately. Maybe I had a need that he was unaware of and could provide. But if he felt like I was asking for something that he couldn’t give, things would end between us tonight.

“You didn’t do anything wrong, Houston,” I wanted to make clear. I stood and sat on his lap as he got comfortable on the couch. “The fact that you think that is another reason we need to have this conversation.”

“What’s on your mind?”

“I feel like I’m always coming out of character because of something you did or didn’t do, and that’s not fair to me or you. There’s also the issue with your mom and the fact that we aren’t in a committed relationship. It just feels like we deal with a lot to be with each other and I’m not exactly sure why. Things used to be fun, and we never had any issues. I want it to go back to that, or I think we need to stop talking.”

“Being real, sometimes I feel like I can’t meet your expectations. I’m not used to a woman demanding things from me. When they have in the past, if I didn’t want to do it, I left them alone. It’s different with you. I don’t want to stop talking to you. I actually want to be with you.”

“Then why haven’t you committed to me? You make it seem like you don’t want to let me go, but you don’t value me enough to commit to me.”

“It’s not that I don’t value you. I just… don’t want us to commit and then fuck things up. I don’t want to meet someone else and then cheat. I’m not saying I’m fucking off now. I’m just saying. Things get messy when you get into a committed relationship, and I like how things are now.”

“Well I don’t,” I admitted quickly. “I’m not trying to change you, but you’re just not the man I thought you were. And maybe that’s my fault because I expect more from you since we’ve been dealing with each other for so long.”

“Is this still about them damn tacos?”

Between the question and his serious expression I couldn’t help but laugh. “Not necessarily. That moment did show me that I can’t depend on you and that you don’t consider me and take care of me the way I take care of you. But even after that, with you purposely not talking to me for a week because I was on my period.

---