Page 13 of Mine

A brief, quiet laugh escaped me as I finally realized this man was almost incapable of taking accountability unless it benefited him to do so.

“If that’s what you want to tell yourself, Houston, fine. Just leave me alone.” As I walked away, I tossed over my shoulder, “Tell your mama she wins.”

A bitter smile lifted the left side of my mouth as a weight lifted from my shoulders. I thought other women were the biggest issue I’d face with Houston. I was wrong. It was his mother.

Once I made it inside my building, I had my elevator passcode changed and Houston’s access revoked. I blocked his number and social media profiles once I settled into bed. Thistime… we were really over… and as hard as I’d tried, I was at peace with that.

The moment I changed my relationship status to single on Facebook, my phone started blowing up. It didn’t matter how much I told my people I just wanted to be alone, they weren’t trying to hear that. Paisley, Autumn, Andy, and a few of my cousins pulled up on me. I ended up telling them the whole truth—that our relationship had been over for a while, but we were officially done with each other now. They were convinced turning up tonight would get my mind off him, but I didn’t want to run away from how I felt. I wanted to deal with it so I could move on.

I slipped out quietly once they were tipsy enough to not notice my absence and climbed into bed. Only a few minutes passed before Paisley came into my room.

“You want me to put them out, Sissy?” she asked softly, making me smile.

“They can stay. I just needed a moment alone.”

Twiddling her thumbs, she looked from me to the TV and the episode ofA Different Worldthat was playing. I loved watching shows from the ’80s and ’90s.

“You wanna cuddle?”

“Sure,” I agreed, patting the bed for her to join me.

She kicked her slides off and took off her hoodie and sweatshirt before climbing in, because she knew I’d have a fit if she kept on her outside clothes. As she snuggled against me, she told me, “We don’t have to talk, but I’m also here to listen if you want me to.”

I chewed on my cheek for a few seconds, considering her offer. I knew even if we didn’t talk about it tonight, we’d talk about it eventually, so we might as well get it over with.

“I know I did the right thing. Our values and principles never aligned. It shouldn’t have lasted as long as it did.”

“But…” she urged.

“But… I really liked him. And things were so good in the beginning. And don’t even get me started on the sex. Houston had the best dick and mouth I’ve ever had.”

“I’m sure that had a lot to do with it.”

I rolled my eyes as we laughed softly. “Yeah, but… not in the way you’re thinking. It wasn’t because I was so sprung I didn’t want to let him go.”

“Then what was it?”

“The intimacy of it, I think. For a while we didn’t have a title and… sex was the deepest form of intimacy we had in our bond. Instead of me leaving because of that, it made me want it more. Like, we didn’t have the emotional and mental intimacy I wished I had with my man or even spiritual. We hung out and had amazing sex, but that’s about it. That’s how I know I did the right thing ending it, but that doesn’t make it any easier.”

“That’s understandable, and you’re allowed to grieve the relationship even if it wasn’t official. You still were attached tohim and I’m sure you cared about him. So don’t feel obligated to just… miraculously be over him in three days.”

“You’re right. I know it’ll take some time, and I’m at peace. Honestly, I didn’t want to be alone. I didn’t want to start this process all over again, but that relationship just wasn’t good for my mental health. I got tired of feeling bad for speaking up for myself. It got to a point where I started questioning if I was crazy because of my principles and boundaries, and I know I wasn’t.”

“Not at all. Houston was cool but he was selfish as hell. Every time you put him and his needs and desires above you, you disrespected yourself. It may not have been intentional, but it was only a matter of time before you started to question yourself. We were raised to guard our hearts, so I can only imagine how difficult it was for you to trust yourself while you were making excuses for his shit.”

I released a shaky breath as my eyes watered. She was absolutely right.

“I know, I know. I knew it was time because I was tired of crying over how he treated me. It was time for me to just cut off his access to me. I was driving myself crazy dealing with things I didn’t want to just for the sake of companionship. It took me a while to get to this point, but I’m done for real this time.”

“What do you want, big sis? Honestly.”

“Honestly?”

I had to be honest with myself before I could be honest with her. For years, I made myself so easy to love. I wasn’t needy and I didn’t nag. I didn’t ask for a lot, even though I also demanded more than the bare minimum. I gave men the space and freedom to do their own thing while I did mine, trusting they would value me enough to never cheat and treat me right. Even with the bad experiences I’d had, I knew I was a damn good woman with a lot to offer. I also knew not every man was selfish, or an asshole, or a cheater just because some of my exes were. I may havedownplayed my desire for commitment because it didn’t seem like I could have it with Houston, but the truth was…

“I want a love of my own. A life partner. Someone with the same values, principles, and interests as me. I want someone who grew up in love and is thriving not surviving. Someone with the same background as me. Someone that will be unequivocally and irrevocably mine. I won’t have to share him with another woman or man and for damn sure not his mother.” I sniggled, but it turned into a sniffle as a tear fell. “I know we’ll have other priorities and responsibilities, but I want to feel like I matter to him and have a solid place in his life. I want someone that’s mine. Someone I can build my own family with. Someone I can trust and feel safe with. Someone I can truly be myself with. Is that… too much to ask for?”

Sniffling, Paisley tightened her grip around me. “It’s not too much at all, and I promise you’re gonna get it.”

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