Page 36 of Sugar Free (Sugar Bowl 3)

"More whiskey?" I hear from behind me and turn with a smile to see Dennis walking into the kitchen. Just over his shoulder, I can see the rest of our motley gang standing around, talking about our victory. Beck gives me a quick glance, smiles, and goes back to talking to Caroline, who has her arm around his waist and her other grasping a glass of wine.

"Well, we are celebrating, right?" I ask with a laugh, and set the glasses on the counter while I reach for the bottle of Jack.

"That we are," he agrees as he goes to the fridge to pull out another beer.

As I pour the amber liquid into the glasses, already feeling an impending hangover, Dennis walks over to me and leans a hip against the counter. "You holding up okay?"

I give him a quick look and then back to the pour. "Of course. Why wouldn't I be?"

His voice lowers and he says, "It's just...have you even processed what happened with JT? Things moved so fast and you and Beck got all tied up in not getting caught."

Slick, icy fingers grab ahold of my spine, sending shivers upward until my neck prickles. Dennis is surprisingly adept at reading people, and honestly, I hadn't realized I hadn't processed what I did until I watched that video this morning. Or rather, I watched until the moment I swung that letter opener. I didn't need that grisly moment stamped upon my memory.

Having lived through the actual horror, I just didn't need the reminder.

I set the bottle down and recap it, turning to face him and resting my opposite hip against the counter. I have no problem admitting to him, "I'm horrified by what I did. I didn't realize taking a human life, even of a human being I detested beyond anything in this world, would feel so--so--"

"Burdensome?" he guesses.

Yes.

Burdensome. That's exactly it.

"I feel like I'll have a reckoning one day because it was wrong," I tell him truthfully. "Because I did something that wasn't within my right to do. I'm not sure if I believe in a higher power or what, but I have this feeling--just deep in my gut--that says I've been tainted by it. And I haven't really understood that feeling until just now. Because I didn't have time to think about it before."

Dennis nods, his eyes soulful and full of grave understanding. "I think the guilt is a common feeling, Sela. Anytime you do harm, a good person is going to feel it."

"Will it go away?" I ask him, wondering if perhaps my penance is to always feel it.

He shrugs. "I don't know. It's not an emotion I'm all that used to feeling."

I blink at him in surprise. "You say that as if you're implying you're not a good person. Look at everything you've done for Beck and me. You were going to put yourself at criminal risk for us by authenticating that video if the ADA didn't dismiss the charges."

Dennis gives a low laugh, his eyes shining with amusement. "You're adorable," he says with flashing teeth.

"I don't understand," I say, because I know he's gently mocking me for something.

"Sela, with my contacts, my former family...I wasn't going to get charged with anything," he says quietly. Not in an egotistical, I'm-above-the law way, but in a way that says simply I'm the man who's sold his soul to the devil, and with that sacrifice also comes great rewards.

Potentially evil rewards, but great nonetheless.

I shake my head at him. "Maybe so, but I refuse to think of you as anything less than a good man."

He smiles at me and pushes off from the counter. "Just remember one thing," he says before he heads back into the party. "Don't ever forget what that fuck did to you. The pain he caused. The innocence he destroyed. Go back to that anger and let it help fill part of that deep pit of guilt you're developing, because by my way of thinking, JT deserved what he got and I'm glad you did it."

My mouth hangs open silently as he walks past me, but I don't respond. I know he's talking about his wife and revenge and how good it must have felt to him when he exacted it. I want to argue with him, because that's not me.

But deep down I know there's some truth to what he's saying. I might feel horrible for taking another life, but I'm not sad JT is gone from this existence. My world is safer. Some other unsuspecting woman out there is safer.

I'll let that thought soothe my conscience and I'll keep that in reserve for when I get down on myself.

"That was a deep conversation," I hear from behind me and turn slowly to see Beck walking into the kitchen.

"Eavesdropping?" I ask with a cocked eyebrow.

He walks up to me, puts his hands to my waist, and pulls me in close. "Couldn't help it. Wanted to make sure he wasn't hitting on my girlfriend."

I give a husky laugh because no way Beck even had that remote thought. There's few people he trusts in his life, and Dennis Flaherty is now unconditionally one of them.

I snuggle into his chest, feel his heartbeat, inhale his scent deep into my lungs and hold it there for a moment. When I let it out, I tell him, "I can't help being conflicted over what I did to JT. Is that disappointing to you?"

"No, baby," he says, squeezing me tight. "It makes you beautiful and kind and forgiving."

"I didn't forgive him," I argue.

"No, but you forgave what life handed you. You made peace with your pain long before you had to take his life and that's why you're conflicted," he says, and the man is wise beyond his years.

That makes perfect sense to me.

"Thank you for saying that," I whisper.

"Thank you for loving me," he says back so reverently I have to pull away and look into his face. I'm almost bowled over by the naked expression of devotion on his face.

"Beck?" I ask, my head tilted, because I can tell he's got something on his mind.

His hands come to my face. "Sela, there is no one in this world I love more than you. And I mean no one. I don't even bother questioning why you came into my life, or the crappy circumstances we were both handed. It was fucking destiny. Like there was this massive puzzle in front of me...of a life that was simple at times but still lacking. And I didn't know it was lacking, but there were these pieces missing. I didn't know what they were until you came along, and the pieces started falling into place."

I swallow against the emotion clogging my throat. "Pieces?"

"You gave me all the pieces that were missing," he says with a smile. His fingers stroke my cheeks. "Laughter, comfortable silence, a sounding board. Fucking amazing sex. Love. Devotion. Care. Did I mention amazing sex?"

I laugh and tuck my lower lip in, biting at it to keep from quivering with emotion.

"The point being, the puzzle is solved. You put all the missing pieces together and I'm so fucking complete and balanced right now, I feel like I could conquer the world with you at my side."

"Oh, Beck," I murmur, going up on tiptoes to kiss him lightly. I bring my hands to his face and hold him tight. "You gave me things I never dared hope for in this life. I never believed I would ever have true happiness. I just didn't believe it was possible, but you've proven me wrong on that."

"And I give you great orgasms," he says with a wink.

"Yes, that's what I love about you the most," I say dryly, but then go up to kiss him again. "You give me everything. You are my everything. And today our life starts brand new."

"What should we do?" he asks curiously, eyes bright and shining with beer, victory, and love.

"I think we should move to the beach," I throw out at him. "It's different. A major change. And besides, you can do your work from anywhere."

"I think we could do that," he says, looping his arm around my shoulder and turning me back toward the party. As we walk toward our friends, he reminds me, "But remember, you said it had to have whitewashed cabinets and a peeling linoleum floor that will need to be replaced but we'll never do so because it will be so charming."

"You remembered," I say with a laugh as my arm goes around his waist.

"I remember every smile you've brought to my face, Sela. And I can't wait for tomorrow because I know you'll do it again."

My

life is like a mental scrapbook, clips and images that I easily call forth into my mind that chronicle my journey of growth, salvation, and redemption. I try not to think about the past too much, but rather choose to start remembering them where the story left off, so you can judge the merits of how far I've come.

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