Page 27 of Hot for the Jerk

“Well, I do,” she said with an affirmative nod.“You should have a jacket.You’ll catch a chill.”

“I run hot.I’ll be fine.Let’s go find some wood.”I shot her a wink, which made her blush, and it also seemed to deflate some of her homicidal inclinations.

Lenora’s backyard during the spring and summer had to look like a fairy oasis.All the flower beds were immaculate, even in their barren winter state.The edging was perfect, the trees pruned, and even the little bird baths and hidden figurines seemed to be free of winter dirt and debris.

A dark-green, shake siding shed with white trim sat at the back of the long, narrow property, and we took the round stepping stones across the lawn to it.It was a bigger shed than I thought, with a large lean-to on the more protected side.All the wood under the lean-to appeared soaked though, and wouldn’t do us any good in the woodstove.

Lenora used a key from her pocket to unlock the shed.The smell of lawnmower fuel and potting soil hit my nose before the door was even completely open.

Luckily, there were motion sensing, battery-powered lights inside, which flicked on when we stepped in, out of the rain.A lawnmower, weed whacker, and several other garden and lawn power tools hibernated, clean and put away to one side.The other side contained all the makings of a gardener’s bench with pots, trowels, seed starters, and a chart for when to plant things and where, tacked to the wall.

I wandered further into the shed, and ducked under a deep shelf where, buried behind a few plastic storage bins that were surprisingly heavy, sure enough, over a dozen large, round pieces of wood sat stacked.“Bingo!”I announced.

“Really?”Lenora asked, emotion thick in her tone.

“Yes, ma’am.I’d say there’s enough here to heat your place for a while.Did Walt leave his axe by any chance?Or power saw?”

“He took his power saw sincethe hussyhad trees on her property that needing falling.He left his axe though.Should be around here somewhere.”She went hunting while I got to work lugging the rounds out from under the shelf toward the door.I wasn’t sure where exactly I was going to split the wood, but I needed, to at the very least, get them more accessible.

“Here we are,” Lenora said, grunting as she lifted the long-handled splitting axe.“I don’t know how sharp it is.”

“Better than nothing.”Even though it was cold out, it was hard work hauling all those rounds out from under the cobweb infested shelf and sweat trickled down my back.“Any thoughts on where I should split the wood?”

“If you’re quick, you could do it under the lean-to over there.It’s mostly sheltered, at least when the wind is blowing from the south which …” she glanced up at the trees swaying like they could hear a tune the rest of us were deaf to, “it looks like it is.”

“Then under the lean-to it is.”

Grabbing the thickest round, which was at least two feet across and over two feet long, I picked it up—grateful that it was bone-dry—and carried it out into the rain and under the lean-to.I would use this one for my chopping block.A grunt from inside had me running back, and bless her heart, Lenora was trying to pick up one of the rounds.

“I don’t think so, young lady,” I said, swooping in to take it from her before she dropped it on her toe.

Her raspy chuckle made me smile.“You’re a charmer, I’ll give you that.”

I carted the round out to the lean-to.“Do you have a wheelbarrow?”

“In here somewhere.”She shuffled toward the back while I carried more wood out to the chopping block.Once I’d carted out about half of what I found, I put one of the smaller pieces on the block, lifted the axe up over my head to check how much clearance I had in the lean-to.The answer was, not much, but just enough.Then I wound up and slammed the blade down into the wood.It split in two instantly, bringing a grin to my face.I wasn’t sure how big Lenora’s woodstove was.So I split the halves into quarters, stacking them against the shed and out of the rain.

“Here, honey,” Lenora said, coming out of the shed with the wheelbarrow.

“Oh, you’re a peach.”

“I also found a pair of Walt’s old gloves.Don’t want you to get blisters.”She held them out for me and they seemed like they might fit.I set the axe down and thanked her as I pulled them on.They were worn nearly through on the fingertips, but they’d work in a pinch.

I split more wood, and Lenora stacked it into the wheelbarrow.By the eighth round, I’d worked up quite the sweat.The wind had also shifted and was now blowingintothe lean-to, drenching both of us.

“All right, Lenora.Let’s take what we have into the house before it gets too wet to light, hmm?”

The wheelbarrow was rather full, so I didn’t even wait for my new feisty friend to reach for the handles before I had them myself and booked it to the backdoor for the mudroom.There was an overhang where we could park the wheelbarrow, and Raina and another guest met us there and helped unload the wood.

“You go get the fire started,” I said to Lenora.“I’m going to go split some more.”

She seemed like she was about to protest, but I gave her a stern look that said I wasn’t going to let her argue with me, and she closed her mouth, giving me a single nod.

Taking the empty wheelbarrow back to the lean-to, I ducked into the shed and found a tarp which I strung up to create more of a shelter for myself.I was drenched by the time I finished it, but it felt good to do some hard work.I worked out in my home gym every day, and was missing the muscle burn.This was a welcomed substitute.

However, my new shirt—which was tighter than I thought it would be when I bought it at the grocery store—started to chafe under my arms a little with every swing.So I figured I was already wet, but warm from exertion, I might as well just take off my shirt for a full range of pain-free motion.

To be honest, the gusts of chilly wind and the odd splash of rain on my skin as I swung the axe over and over again into the wood felt good.My sweatpants were plastered to my thighs and my feet were wet, but I felt good.Nothing like a workout to clear your head and get the blood pumping.

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