Page 138 of Bonds of Fate

“You think I should?” Rowan says.

“Baby, he’ll talk to you about it, but I need to tell you this—it’s going to be hard for both of you. The things he’s told me, even just by accident, are terrible. Worse than terrible. I don’t know how he’s still standing, let alone thinking about facing Hayes. Nix has got to be the bravest person I know.”

Rowan shoots to his feet, slaps his fist into his palm, and paces the narrow space between the bed and the fireplace. “I don’t get it! Why does he want to see that guy again? You were furious before, Gray, and now you’re just—what? Fine with it? What the fuck?” His voice rises, thick with frustration. “We should be keeping him safe here, where nothing bad can happento him again. Are Jay and I the only ones who don’t want him to fucking die?”

He slams his fist into the stone around the fireplace and chokes on a sob.

Grayson grabs Rowan around the waist, and RowanletsGray toss him onto the bed. “Fuck, Ro. Stop.”

But Rowan doesn’t stop. “I can’t, Gray. Fuck, I can’t. It h-hurts. Hurts s-so bad.” He roars in frustration and fear. When he stops, only his hitching sobs pierce the heavy silence.

It breaks Grayson’s heart.

Rowan is so reserved, but not in the muted way Grayson is. No, Rowan holds himself back emotionally, and Grayson thinks it’s because, for so long, he’s been the youngest, and finding his wayinsidetheir relationship was hard with so many older and (sometimes) wiser adults. Add to it his intense physical relationship with his wolf, and more often than not, the emotions get buried under the sensations.

“Shhh. Hey.” He squeezes Rowan a bit—squeezes himfirmly,as Rowan prefers firm touches rather than feather-like caresses. “Loving people hurts. It’s the hard part of a relationship, yeah? But I remember Gideon telling me once, you remember that time Luca wasn’t himself last year, around Lollapalooza? Yeah?”

Rowan nods and rubs his tears away with the back of his hands.

“How hard it was to watch him close himself off? How it hurt when he didn’t want to do the things he loved to do? Well, Gideon reminded me that the more you love someone, the more you have to lose, and the more it hurts. Does that make sense?”

“Fuck, no.” He huffs.

“Well, think of it this way—if we didn’t love Nix so much, we wouldn’t care what happens to him like we do. It wouldn’t make Jay so mad. It wouldn’t make you cry.”

“But why do we have to feel like this at all? If Nix would just let someone else do this—”

Ah.

“Rowan. Do you remember when you had trouble with that photographer on your first solo shoot in your first year with the band? The one who thought fans would be more interested in your enigma muscles than your music—who made it very clear that he thought you only got in the band because of them?”

“Yeah. Fuck that guy.” Rowan has every right to still be bitter.

“Yeah, fuck him. But you wouldn’t let Gideon and Jay go down there or blacklist him. They were so steaming mad that Leo had to hold Gideon back from going down that asshole’s studio at midnight on a Thursday.”

They both chuckle at the memory. But then? It hadn’t been funny at all. They’d had a long night once Rowan had finally told them why he was so worked up.

“They were scary, man.”

“Yes, they were. But what did you tell them?” It had stuck with Grayson because Rowan had been so adamant and so, so wise.

“I told them that what that guy said was aboutme. That if I let them handle it and they went in there all angry and shit, then they were just proving that guy right—that I wasn’t more than my body, that I couldn’t handle myself, and worse, that I needed someone to save my ass.”

“Right. You needed to handle this yourself—to rescue yourself—because if they had gone in there, you’d never know if you were strong enough to survive it the next time.”

Rowan lets the idea just sink in. “Well. Fuck.”

Grayson cannot disagree. “See? We have to do the same for Nix. It fucking sucks because it’s scary, but it’s always got to be Nix’s choice.”

“I don’t have to like it.”

“No, but we have totryour best to show him that no matter how hard it is for us, we know it’s harder on him. We have to stand behind him and help him do the hard parts.” Grayson only hopes that when the time comes, his words aren’t just lip service.

“I don’t think Jay is doing so well with that. It was a fucking forest fire. I thought he was going to hit Gideon,” Rowan whispers.

“It’ll be okay. Jay is never mad for long.”

Luca, on the other hand…ooo-eeee, that boy has a long memory.

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