Page 49 of Love Conquers All

Sylvie was struck by the outrage, fear, and sorrow in her mother’s words. As curious as she was about how her father and mother had finally gotten together, she was far more heartbroken about a backstory she’d never heard before. It gave color to her father’s past, to his anger, to his bizarre mood swings. It was clear he’d never forgotten losing his best friend.

But what had happened to James’s first wife?

That came later, in December 1983.

Sarah wrote:

December 24, 1983

I told everyone I wanted to spend the holidays alone, but nobody believed me. Everyone keeps swinging by with more presents and cookies than I can take. I’ve told more than five people that I’ll just throw the cookies out the minute they leave, yet they put them on my countertop anyway. They say it’s a tragedy that I haven’t decorated this year, but I don’t understand what the point would be. It’s just me in this house. I’m twenty-three years old, and I have nothing to show for it. What would I do with a Christmas tree?

But a strange thing happened this afternoon. James Bruckson came by with a pan of lasagna, which he put in my freezer, saying that I could eat it whenever I wanted. His eyes have been so wounded since Wally died. It’s curious. I used to hate James Bruckson, but now that he’s the only person in theworld who understands my pain on a basic level, he’s almost the only person I can stand. We sat together in the living room, exchanging old memories of Wally. We both cried. And then, he reached over and took my hand.

I didn’t know what to say. I just looked down at our hands interlaced. It’s been so long since anyone touched me. Even when Wally was alive, he was too sick for anything like that.

Nothing happened. But my heart raced in my throat.

December 28, 1983

James came over again. When he got up to leave, I had the urge to tell him to stay. Instead, I asked him, “What does your wife think of you visiting me here?” He said she told him it was the right thing to do. He said, “She knows you’re lonely, and she feels bad.”

So I asked him, “Does she know we hold hands? Does she know we feel this way about each other?”

That’s when he kissed me.

I don’t know what to think. I’m a tangled web of sorrows and fears. Nothing feels right.

Sylvie read on. She consumed the story of her father and mother’s sordid affair. She read about how Sarah and James had hidden themselves away, skirting around James’s wife and James’s wife’s feelings. They validated what they were doing by reminding one another how sad they were. But through her mother’s writing, Sylvie could feel how tormented Sarah was. She could also feel how desperate her father had been. By all accounts, James’s wife had been right. James was and had always been in love with Sarah. He’d never done anything about it, presumably because of Wally. And now, he was too heartbroken about Wally to care about his wife.

But why was Sarah with James? This was an element of the story that mystified Sylvie. Oftentimes, her mother wrote of James with contempt that ranged from mild to severe. She spoke of everything James had done wrong, everything “strange” he’d said, every way he’d disappointed her. She compared Wally and James in ways that made Sylvie’s blood run cold.

It was clear that Sarah still loved Wally, that she would always love Wally, and that she resented James for remaining alive when Wally had died.

February 4, 1984

I threw James out today. He said he loved me, and I said that was ridiculous. I told him to go back to his wife.

February 6, 1984

James is threatening to tell his wife about us. I don’t know what that would solve. He says we could have a future together, that we could leave Rhode Island. I can’t even see my way through today or this week, let alone a move elsewhere. Wally’s from here. We’re from here, and our entire lives are here.

It was around the time of Sarah’s mother’s death that the truth of James and Sarah’s affair came out. Sarah wrote in the diaries that she wasn’t sure how the truth came out. Driven by fear of losing Sarah, driven by reckless love, Sylvie imagined that James had confessed to his wife. He’d decided on a brighter future for himself and Sarah, one he imagined elsewhere.

By July, Sarah and James were on Nantucket Island, and Sarah was pregnant.

July 27, 1984

My body has betrayed me. Why didn’t it give me a child with Wally?

July 28, 1984

Sometimes when James touches me, I scream.

July 29, 1984

I have never been more alone in my life. I walk through Nantucket with a brand-new baby in my belly and put my feet in waters that feel so foreign to me. James spends all day applying for jobs and planning our future, and I ask him, “What future? Who cares?” and he reminds me about the baby. His eyes always looked panicked when that happens.

Like he thinks I’m going crazy.

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