Page 107 of Curvy Girl Summer

It was as if I were afraid that if I spoke too loudly, it would scare the truth from the room. It was obvious what he was trying to share with me was difficult. I didn’t want to make it harder for him. I also had no intention of letting him off the hook. I needed to know what was going on.

“I met Kayla on TenderFish when I was twenty-six,” he said after a slight hesitation. “She’d just turned thirty. We dated for two years, and then we got engaged. I gave her a ring, and she got me that black band to wear a week later. She said if everyone knew she was off themarket, everyone needed to know I was off the market, too.” He smiled at the memory. “Our relationship was pretty good, but…” He paused, scrubbing his face with his hands. “Our relationship was good, but after we got engaged, we hit some bumps. Our lives didn’t really come together as cohesively as I would’ve liked, but overall, we were good. Uh… one night, we ended up getting into an argument over kids. She was ready, and I wasn’t. She made plans with her girls to blow off some steam. I stayed home because it was a Thursday night, and I had a big presentation in the morning.”

He fell silent, and his eyes dropped from mine. His chest rose and fell, and I watched each shaky breath he took. I wanted to wrap my arms around him. I wanted to hug him tight. I wanted to let him know that everything was going to be okay. I wanted to be there for him.

Instead, I sat there watching him, waiting for him to finish.

“She had too much to drink, and she called me at almost two o’clock in the morning to come get her. I was irritated. Nah, I was pissed. She knew I had that presentation. She knew I was still mad about how our conversation earlier in the night went. So I felt like she called to wake me up on purpose. But I still went to get her because I loved her, and I didn’t want her driving.”

He let out a big breath, and then his gaze met mine again. “I picked her up, and we immediately got into it. I called her selfish for going out and drinking and then expecting me to pick her up. She said I was selfish for not wanting a baby, knowing she was thirty-two and her biological clock was ticking. I told her I loved her, but she was on some bullshit, and I didn’t have anything else to say. She started crying and yelling. I just ignored her because it was two o’clock in the morning and I didn’t want to say some shit I didn’t mean. We were at a red light, and I remember looking over at her and shaking my head. I knew ignoring her would only make her madder… and it did. So, then she screamed, ‘Say something!’ at the top of her lungs.” He swallowed hard. “And that’s the last thing I remember before a car slammed into the back of us, pushing us into the intersection and causing us to get T-boned.”

I gasped, bringing my hands to my face.

“I woke up in a hospital. I had a broken leg, bruised ribs, a busted lip, and a concussion.” Anguish pulled at his lips before he was able to continue. “They told me what happened. They said they’d arrested the drunk driver—who, oddly enough, didn’t have a scratch on them. They were telling me everything except for where Kayla was. Finally, Kayla’s mom and sister told me what happened to Kayla, and they said… they said she died on impact.”

“I’m so sorry, Ahmad.”

He shook his head. “For a long time, I blamed myself.”

I searched his face. “You weren’t the one drinking and driving. You did everything you were supposed to do. She was drinking and you were her designated driver. You got up in the middle of the night and were there for her. You came to a complete stop at the light. You didn’t cause the accident.”

“For a long time, I couldn’t shake the fact that if we wouldn’t have gotten into that argument, she wouldn’t have gone out with her friends. But I worked that out in therapy. So now I don’t blame myself for her dying—but I still can’t get behind the wheel. I haven’t driven in almost three years because of it.” He exhaled. “That whole thing fucked me up.”

“Losing someone unexpectedly can fuck you up in ways you never saw coming,” I reflected sorrowfully. “I overstand.”

He looked like he was waiting for me to continue, but when I didn’t, he sighed. “I haven’t been driving. I haven’t been in a relationship. I haven’t…”

“Healed?” I guessed quietly.

“I wouldn’t necessarily say that. I just hadn’t felt compelled to do either. So I wore the ring because Kayla gave it to me. And then as time went on, I wore the ring because it kept me from having to explain my situation. I didn’t have to be rude. I didn’t have to reject anyone. I could just deal with my shit and mind my business. Apparently, I was using it as a defense mechanism.”

I nodded. “Yeah. I can see that. What did your therapist say about that?”

“Dr. Mary knows I’m at peace with that relationship, and she said that the ring would come off when I was ready. But she’s beenmore focused on getting me back behind the wheel. And like I told her, a relationship is a choice. But driving…” He let out a low whistle. “You can do everything right, and some asshole who drank too much can knock your shit back.”

I understood where he was coming from. I understood that his loss impacted him. I wanted to tell him that, but I didn’t want to make the conversation about me. We were talking about him and what he had going on, so I wanted to give him the space to share.

My heart went out to him.

“When was the last time you got behind the wheel?” I wondered.

“Maybe six months after the accident. I had a panic attack, and Asia ended up picking me up. I told her what happened, and she had me linked up with a therapy appointment that next week.” He let out a short laugh. “Before that, I wasn’t the therapy type. But getting my cast off and thinking I was going to drive over to Mom and Dad’s real quick put things into perspective. I had shit I needed to deal with.”

“I’m so glad Asia had your back like that. Being in therapy can be a game changer. Your friends and family are good to talk to, but when you’re dealing with grief, loss, PTSD, trauma, guilt, you needed Dr. Mary.”

“Hell yeah, because I wasn’t talking to anybody about what I had going on. And then I didn’t even want to tell them I was in therapy. I didn’t tell my boys. I didn’t tell my parents. I didn’t tell anyone until I was a year in with Dr. Mary.”

“What made you tell them?”

“Asia let something slip to my parents, and then they asked me about it. And with Darius and Leon, Darius was going through something, and I suggested he go to therapy. After they got their jokes off, we talked about it, and he went.”

“That’s good,” I told him. “Thank you for sharing with me. I could see that it wasn’t easy for you, and you did it anyway.”

“Because I couldn’t let you walk out of here thinking I lied to you.” His eyes darted around my face. “I wouldn’t lie to you. And you do know me.”

“I’m sorry,” I apologized.

“I’m sorry, too.”

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