Page 34 of You & I, Rewritten

We get pizza together. He asks about school and what girl I like.I lied.He takes me to a movie, his arm around my shoulders.

“You want ice cream?” he asks after.

Today was a good day.

When we get to his house, he tells me to go outside and play. I ride my bike until it gets dark. When I come back in, I can smell it. He’s asleep on the couch, the bottle in his hand.

I go to bed.

* * *

I’m no longer sitting on the steps.

I’m a teenager now, having no desire to see or deal with him when he gets into one of his moods. He apologizes when he gets like that, but it means nothing anymore. I tell my mom and dad I’m not going. They try to reason with me, but I’ve made up my mind. I’ve had enough.

He’s pounding on the door.Don’t let him in.But they do, and we can all smell it. How pathetic. He pushes past Dad, his movements wild and unpredictable.

“Let’s go!” he yells. “It’s our weekend. Let’s go,now.”He starts crying. “John, Liz…tell him. It’s our weekend.” He’s pathetic.

“I’m not going anywhere with you,” I stand up to him, my voice quivering, “ever again.”

He’s not crying anymore. He’s livid.

That’s when he punches me. That’s when something inside of me breaks. That’s when I know he never cared about me.

* * *

“Will…WILL…Baby!” Graham is shaking me and I realize I’m sobbing, my arms wrapped around him, clinging to his body like a child. “Shh…everything’s okay, baby,” he says, holding me tight. “It was just a dream.”

“I was never good enough for him,” I sob. “I was never good enough for him to love, and I don’t know why. I don’t know why, Graham, and it kills me. Why wasn’t I good enough for him?”

Why the fuck didn’t he love me enough?

My words are barely audible between my sobs and no matter how hard I try to calm down, being here and being reminded of him has ripped open the crack in my chest I’ve tried so hard to ignore all of these years. I hate him so much. I hate him with a rage that consumes me, one that causes my vision to blur and my hands to tremble. I’m exhausted from having to pretend that it doesn’t bother me, exhausted from ignoring the hurt and minimizing what he put me through.What he put all of us through.I can’t look up at Graham right now; this is a side of me I never wanted him to see, and if I see even the faintest trace of pity on his face, I don’t think I could ever recover from it.

“Why didn’t he love me?” I whimper into the darkness as Graham squeezes me tighter, not knowing how badly I need that question answered, or how him just holding me through this living nightmare means everything.

CHAPTERFIFTEEN

The dynamicbetween Graham and I has most definitely shifted, especially in the workplace. Disclosing our relationship to HR wasn’t nearly as stressful or complicated as I’d been fearing. We signed a few forms and confirmed that on paper, Graham wasn’t my supervisor in any way and went about our business. While this didn’t feel entirely necessary, it does provide a sliver of peace knowing that if things did get messy or weird, our professional lives will remain intact. I don’t know if anyone else can sense the change or how much more our orbits are intentionally colliding, but throughout the day, I’m finding more excuses to be near him. Or to drag him away in the stairwell to steal a kiss fromthose lips.

Now I look forward to getting to the office early each morning, something Klair refuses to partake in. Depending on who gets there first, Graham and I have fallen into the sweetest routine of preparing coffee for one another, hoping to provide a caffeinated surprise to kick start our morning. His office light is off when I make it into the office today, so I quickly drop my stuff off at my desk and head to the break room.

Turning on the lights, I set the coffee machine to brew, letting the woody and chocolaty aroma fill the room. I grab our mugs from the drying rack and open the fridge to grab the caramel creamer I know he loves.

“Good morning,” Graham’s voice comes out of nowhere, causing me to almost drop the creamer. He wraps his arms around me, smothering me in his signature scent.

I place the bottle on the counter and turn to face him. “Well hello, handsome,” I say, wrapping my arms around his neck. He flashes me that smile I’ve come to live for. “Did you have a nice night?”

“It was fine,” he says, inching his face closer to mine. “I definitely missed you.” Graham presses his lips to mine, pulling me tight against his chest. I entwine my fingers in his hair, deepening the kiss that sends chills over every inch of my body.Ugh.I can feel his smile against my lips as he grabs my ass playfully.

“Mr. Austin, not in the workplace,” I tease, causing him to laugh. “But I missed you, too.” I give him another lingering kiss right in the corner of that crooked smile of his. “Coffee?”

“Please.”

I detangle myself from Graham, having to make certain, um, adjustments to avoid any complaints about indecency in the workplace. After pouring the steaming brew into each of our cups and mixing in the sweet cream, we each take a mug and slowly walk back to our team’s section.

“Busy day today?” I ask, watching him as he takes a sip of java mid-stride.

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