Page 51 of You & I, Rewritten

“The life that I’ve had—the life that you and Mom have given me—has been an incredibly blessed one.” I put my hand on top of his, hoping he knows how genuine my words are. “But I think at some point, I gave up on looking for something real…something worth living for…because for the longest time, I woke up every single day feeling unlovable and not worthy, and I felt so guilty feeling that way because of you.”

Tears pool up in my father’s deep brown eyes and for the first time, I really take in the man before me. While his dark hair and beard have grayed slightly and his expression lines are more noticeable, I still see the man I met when I was three years old. The same man who kept me safe and put my mother and I back together over and over again.

“Because of me? What do you mean by that, son?” his voice cracks slightly.

“Dad, you loved me like I was your own blood—no questions asked—from the very first moment you met me. You’ve raised me and been by my side every step of the way and you made sure that I knew I was loved and safe and special. Yet there I was begging for the love and approval of a man who couldn’t care less about me.”

He clears his throat, quickly trying to wipe away a few stray tears. “You know…I would do…everything the same, Will. You aremyson,” he says, leaning over and awkwardly trying to hug me with a bistro table between us. “Always.”

I do my best to hug him back without spilling our coffees. “I know that, Dad…trust me, I’ve nevernotknown that.But the last thing I’d ever want is for you to feel that I love or appreciate you any less due to how broken I feel because ofhim.”

“I could never think that, son,” he says, doing his best to compose himself. “What you have been through—at such a young age I might add—will always weigh heavily on your heart, Will, and for that, I am truly sorry. But look at the life you have built: the career, the friends, your future with Graham. Don’t risk living a life wondering what could have been because of someone else’s hurt and pain.”

He’s right, and if anything, I know that I don’t want to keep living life with the future I so desperately want at arm’s length.I want this life with Graham…whatever that looks like.While the thought of losing what we have is paralyzing, I know that it’s worth the risk.

“Well, that got real heavy,realquick,” I say as the both of us dab our eyes with the rough, café napkins.

He laughs, his big, goofy smile taking its normal place on my father’s face. “I swear that wasn’t the intention of my visit!”

“Mhmm.”

“Here, let’s change the subject…how’s work been going recently?”

My phone begins buzzing on the table and I see it’s Lana calling me, which is odd because we normally communicate via email. Maybe she had some thoughts about the edits I sent her way earlier this morning.

“Speaking of…hold that thought. I need to take this.” I excuse myself from the table and quickly step outside to answer her call.

“Hey, Lana…how’s it going?”

There’s a long pause before she responds. “Will, I’m so sorry for this abrupt phone call, but I can’t do this any longer.”

Wait…what?She was speaking so fast that I don’t think I understood her correctly.

“Hold on, Lana…what’s going on? Is everything okay?” There has to be something going on to make her have such a sudden change of heart.

“I’ve already sent over the voided contract and had documents drawn up to handle the advance. I’m really sorry.”

“I don’t understand, Lana…Have I done something wrong? If that’s the case, Klair or Graham would happily take over to make sure your book can be published.” I can’t let Lana hear me fall apart on the phone. I need her to know that I’m professional and can do a good job for her.

“I no longer wish to proceed with the book, Will.” Thiscannotbe happening.

The line goes dead.

Everything we’ve worked for over the last several months…everything Ifoughtfor…is gone with a single phone call. Leaning my forehead against the cold windowpane of the café, I focus on calming my breathing, but all I want to do is scream.

So, I do.

CHAPTERTWENTY

I can’t tellyou how long I stood outside that café.

My dad took one look at what I can only imagine was pure panic splashed across my face when I finally returned back to our table and practically ushered me out the door. He was completely understanding of my need to cut our impromptu coffee date short amid the full-blown work crisis I was now smack in the middle of courtesy of Lana’s call. Walking back to APH was agonizing and each step toward our building was more strenuous and emotionally damaging than the last.

Because the closer I got to my office, the closer I got to Graham.

And the closer I got to Graham, the closer I got to having to admit that I was a failure.

There was no sense sugar coating it at this point—Ihadfailed. My one job was to ensure Lana was supported through publication and somewhere along the way, she started having doubts. How did I not see this coming? Did I allow myself to get too distracted by Graham and somehow miss something? Every interaction with her shuffles through panicked thoughts but I truly can’t pinpoint any sort of shift in our dynamic. My heart sinks as I force myself through the front doors, up the elevator and when I stumble out onto our floor, the panic attack sets in—I’ve made it as far as I can physically go.

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