Page 59 of You & I, Rewritten

Reclaiming my seat against the wall, I bow my head, placing it in my hands and grabbing fistfuls of hair which helps release some of the tension. A dull throb has been present all afternoon but has reached the point that I feel like my brain is going to erupt from my skull. The doctor was right; I am mostdefinitelyin shock. I look back over at my father, the stillness of his body is beginning to become unsettling, but I don’t know what to do or what to say.

I was too late. My selfish behavior caused him to die alone and honestly, despite everything this man has done, I don’t know how that makes me feel. This morning, I was so sure that I didn’t want anything to do with him and now…I look at his face, the muscles relaxed…now I’ll never know what could have been.

I’ll never know.

The thought causes the tears to return, harder and with more force than before because I’m fairly certain this moment will remain with me for the rest of my life. The regret and the pain and the endless guilt will haunt me forever and there’s nothing I can do to change that.

I hear footsteps getting closer between sobs. “I said I need a minute,” I say, hiding my face away.

Silence.

“Please, can you just give me a min—” I turn, facing my visitor. “Lana?”

Did I accidently call her? I’m so confused.How mortifying.

I attempt to wipe the tears and snot from my face, self-conscious at how disgusting I must look. Looking up at her face, I see her eyes are red, too.Has she been crying? Maybe she was here visiting someone?

“Is…is everything okay?” I ask, my voice cracks as I do my best to stand up.

She steps toward me, preventing me from doing so, and wraps her arms around me. Returning her hug, I can feel her shaking.

“He wanted you to have this,” she whispers, placing a kiss on my cheek.He?Who? She pushes an incredibly thick and worn envelope into my chest. “Please don’t hate me.” Her voice is a whisper. Without saying another word, Lana turns without looking at me and exits the hospital room as quickly as she entered.

I turn the envelope over, feeling it’s weight in my hands.What the hell?

“Lana!” I yell, knowing she’s probably already long gone. How did she…He wanted me to have what? I’m so confused.

Getting up from my chair, the stability finally returning to my limbs, I tuck the envelope under my arm, not having the heart or the mental capacity to deal with it right this second. Walking toward the door, I stop before crossing the threshold into the hallway, my body frozen in place.

I can’t say goodbye.

Instead, I quickly turn around and walk back to my father’s bedside. Looking down at the man before me—the man I once admired and feared so much—my heart is conflicted. I don’t physically think it’s possible to shed another tear, but I feel a bubble of rage building. He could have prevented this.Thisdidn’t have to happen.

I lean down, putting my forehead to his with my eyes closed like I used to when I was little. I picture him young and full of life, happy and laughing on one of our good days.That’show I’m going to choose to remember him. While those moments were fleeting, they were there.

“I pray that whatever battle you’ve been fighting is over, Dad,” I whisper, a final tear rolling down my cheek onto his.

Pushing away from his bed, I keep my eyes closed as I walk out the door so that my final thought of my father will be a happy one, one of my own choosing.

Goodbye, Dad.

* * *

I can’t be in this hospital anymore.

Riding the elevator down to the lobby, my body begins to shake, the weight of today, of this moment, is too much to bear. I’ve never felt this mentally and physically exhausted before in my life, and somehow, it still feels like just the beginning.

I blink and suddenly, I’m in the lobby.

Cramped in a chair that is much too small for his stature, Graham’s sitting with his long legs out in front of him, crossed at the ankle. His head slumped to the side with his eyes closed, clearly feeling the same level of exhaustion I am. Even dozing off, he’s truly the most beautiful sight I’ve ever seen, a welcome one after everything that just went down behind the hospital doors.

I would give anything to be wrapped in the warmth of his embrace, but right now, all I can think about is how I’m surrounded by death. The need for fresh air pushes me past him, attempting to put as much distance as possible between myself and this damn hospital.

Turning too quickly in the direction of the front entrance, I collide directly with a random hospital worker pushing a cart of supplies, causing both to crash across the lobby. In a fog and completely out of my body, I push past the mess I just created, choking out a muffled apology.

Graham, who snapped to attention at the chaos in the lobby, jumps to his feet.

“Will!” he shouts after me as I race forward, forcing open the sliding doors in my way, the much-needed cool air waking me from a paralyzing fog. “Babe, slow down.” I hear him but I can’t stop.Not yet.

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