Page 66 of Winging It with You

“Moments after I had poured my heart out to my commander about soulmates and finding love in the most unexpected places, I was informed that Ethan had denied the whole thing.”

Asher’s jaw literally drops. “He didn’t.”

“He did.” I swallow hard, trying to hide the wave of grief that’s resurfacing. “He chose his career over us…and on some level, I can kind of understand how, or at least why, he made that decision.”

“But what aboutyourcareer?”

“As the lower-ranking member, it became clear to me that I was now disposable in this situation. The investigating officers, as well as my own coworkers and leaders, rallied behind Ethan. He was an up-and-coming officer with all the potential. The sure thing.”

I turn my head toward Asher to meet his confused expression. “I, on the other hand, was quickly labeled as the officer who didn’t follow the rules. The one who disobeyed orders. Someone who selfishly and knowingly went after a superior.”

“But that’s obviously not what happened,” he presses. “What did Ethan end up having to say about all this?”

I sigh. “I wish I knew. We couldn’t talk during the investigation, no matter how badly I wanted to, and by the time it was over, what was the point? He’d chosen to trade in what we had for a ticket into the good graces of our commander, while I was eventually discharged for it.”

That’s the part that hurts the most—even after all this time—seeing how easy it was for him tonotchoose me.

Seeing just how disposable I was.

“I’m confused, though,” Asher says, rubbing his temples. “Don’t people meet and fall in love in the military all the time? I can literally think of like ten movies and books off the top of my head with that meet-cute being the romantic focal point.”

“They do.” He’s not wrong. I have several military romances loaded up on my Kindle as we speak.

“Then what was the problem with you and Ethan? I know you mentioned that it only became a problem once he got promoted, but was the fact that you’re gay…”

I don’t think I’ll ever know what made our situation unprofessional while the countless others I’d seen throughout my career had been accepted, no questions asked.

Do I think it was because we were two men? Absolutely.

But can I prove it? Unfortunately, no.

“All I know is that the military loves to tout the progress and great strides they’re making toward inclusion and equity. They pat themselves on the back for hosting lunches and diversity panels and slapping together a few brightly colored social media posts for each observance. But when it’s over? Everything goes back to the status quo and the scales get tipped back in favor of the straight, white, cis men who wear the uniform.”

“Don’t you think that’s fucked up?”

“Of course I do, Asher. It’s all I’ve thought about for the last couple of years. I can’t help but think how differently the situation would have been handled if Ethan and I were a straight couple. Still, being in the Navy was the best thing that’s happened to me. I genuinely don’t think I’d have the career and drive I do today if I hadn’t.”

I mean that.

Even with everything that went down, I don’t regret my time in uniform for a second. “But I’m also not going to pretend that the only people who have the unwavering support of the American military aren’t those who are firmly in the good ol’ boys club.”

Asher’s quiet again, the reality of my statement left to linger between us. The silence makes me feel like I might have shared too much. Like this information would have been better kept locked away.

“What did your family say about all this?” he asks quietly, like he knows he’s tiptoeing around a difficult topic.

I swallow, shifting in my seat again. “They were shocked, I’m sure. But honestly, we only really talked about the career aspect and what I was going to do next. I don’t know, maybe they already knew about me or they didn’t want to talk about it or they just didn’t care, but the whole sexuality conversation never came up, so I just followed their lead.”

Part of me wishes I pushed harder back then.

Clawed the Band-Aid off and said out loud what I knew we wereallthinking.

That I was gay and that I was still figuring it all out.

That my heart was unbearably broken.

That my worst fear just became my reality.

But I said none of those things and they didn’t either and somehow, the world didn’t fall off its axis. And now, too much time has passed that it hasn’t seemed worth it to bring the whole thing up again.

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