Page 94 of Winging It with You

All I can do is shake my head.

“Exactly,” she says, the softness in her voice returning. “I sent you those things as an attempt to open the door. To let you know that I was there for you. That after all you’d been through, I was, and always would be, in your corner. Coming out was supposed to be on your terms. It was supposed to be this personal journey thatyouled with the people inyourlife atyourown pace, and that didn’t happen. And it sucks, Theo. It fucking sucks so much, I cannot even imagine how angry you must have felt. Still feel,” she adds, correcting herself. “But all of us—Mom, Dad, Stefan—we couldn’t force you to talk about a subject we knew was not only deeply personal but exceptionally painful for you when it was clear you had no interest in talking about it. So, we waited. Hoping that eventually, you’d feel safe enough to share whenyouwere ready.”

“I didn’t think you all wanted me to,” I blurt out. “I didn’t think I could because I…I…” My voice trails off, because now, I’m recalling every interaction between my family and me.

While I’ve been sitting here waiting for my parents to acknowledge my identity, they’ve been waiting for me to acknowledge myself first. Have I really missed out on the last two years because of a…miscommunication? If I wasn’t so confused and throttled by this revelation, I’d laugh at the irony of our situation.

“What are you thinking?” Elise asks after a moment.

“I think I’m more embarrassed than anything.” She gives my shoulder a squeeze.

“I’m just going to say this, and then I promise you, we neverhave to talk about it again.” She reaches over and grabs my hand in hers, her grip as cold as it was the night of our canoe-camping fiasco. “Just promise me you won’t disappear again…” I open my mouth to contest her word choice, but she cuts me off. “Sporadic phone calls and FaceTimes here and there don’t count, Theo.”

I nod my head. She’s right. She always is, and I’m quickly running out of excuses to justify my absence.

“If not for me, then for Mom and Dad. For the kids…” Her voice breaks, and the thought of my sweet niece and nephew sends my heart barreling toward my throat.

“I promise,” I say, turning my head away from Elise, the tears stinging my tired eyes.

Elise doesn’t say anything else but just leans forward in her chair and wraps her arms around my shoulders, letting me turn in to her like I used to when we were kids—awkwardly, given our seating arrangement. “You going to be alright?”

“It’s a lot harder being here than I thought it would be,” I choke out, my tears now pouring onto Elise’s—well, my—sweatshirt. “The guilt from not being here feels like I’ve gotten the wind knocked out of me and I can’t breathe.”

She rubs my back like one would to soothe a child. “I don’t know if this will make it better or worse for you, baby brother,” she says, the calming maternal tone to her voice all too familiar. “But that guilt that you’re feeling? You’re going to have to learn some way to let that go. It’s keeping you rooted in the past. I promise you, Theo—no one is holding a grudge. Not Mom and Dad, certainly not me…”

I wipe my eyes on the back of my hands and Elise kisses on the top of my head. “A little home and a little bit of our family chaos will be good for your heart, Theo. You’ll see.”

Being here with her, in our place, I know she’s right.

“Now that we’ve gotthatout of the way, can you talk to me about what’s finally made you come home?”

Here we go. “Seriously, hermana? You couldn’t let this very rare, very overdue brother-sister moment last longer than, oh, I don’t know, three seconds?”

“Look, you don’t want to unpack familial trauma? Fine by me,” she says, crossing her arms. “But I would be failing you as a sister if I didn’t smack you upside the head right now on behalf of the entire internet and ask: What the hell you were thinking leaving Asher like that?”

“Me? Leave Asher?” I shout, pushing up from my chair. “I…” I begin, then swallow hard, not really sure where to even start. “It’s a little more complicated than that.”

“Is it?” she asks. “I need you to explain it to me then, because Theo, I’ve had my eyes glued to you your entire life and not once have I ever seen you smile the way you did with him.”

“You have no idea what you’re talking about.” I stand up and turn away from her at the edge of the dock.

But, she kinda does. Which irritates me even more.

“Theo, be honest with me,” she says, joining me where I stand and putting her arm through mine. “Or at least be honest with yourself, because that’s all that matters. You fell for him, didn’t you?”

Does it matter? Like, genuinely, looking at this situation as logically as I can, does it matter if I fell for Asher? Even if it was real for me, it wasn’t realenoughfor him, and the sooner I accept that, the sooner I can put this whole mess behind me.

“Even if I did, it doesn’t change the fact that I was never his. Not really, anyway.”

“You don’t actually believe that, do you?” Elise says after amoment, leaning her head on my shoulder. “Because I don’t. Not after everything weallwatched you two go through. Not after the…”

I reach over and squeeze her hand, silently begging her to stop because my heart can’t take talking about Asher anymore. “Elise, please. I can’t.” My voice is hoarse, and judging by the tears pooling in my sister’s eyes, she got the answer she was looking for.

The slam of our parents’ back door puts a pin in our conversation.

“Mommy, can I have another cinnaroll?” Frankie shouts, much more loudly than he needs to. His mouth appears to be glazed with the remains of his first one.

Elise groans against me. “Honey? Did you ask your father?” she yells back.

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